Existential Crisis After Going on Vacation

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Apologies if long post, but it's important to explain all points. If you feel it's too long, skip the first two paragraphs, read only the first sentence at each numbered point, and then read the remaining paragraphs.

First some background. Like a lot of aspies, I had a nasty childhood, and a slightly less nasty adolescence. No need to get into details abut this part; we all had pretty similar experiences. College was better, but not by much. My parents still treated me like their mini-me, rather than my own person, while giving me zero respect. I still had a curfew at age 24, and even though I broke it all the time, I got a lot of heat for it when I came home each time. Eventually, I got fed up, and moved out, despite not having a steady job at that time. Meanwhile, I was getting into my career in IT, and it was getting worse and worse with each job. I was working 12-hour days, getting more pressure than a fire hose, and not having any work/life balance. While my friends were sympathetic, my family was not. My parents lived most of their working years during the times when jobs were easy, fun, and mostly stress-free. So my stories sounded like just a bunch of whining to them; the fact that I'm 29 doesn't help my case.

2011 was the year when I nearly had a nervous breakdown. My boss was keeping me on call 24/7/365; I was getting called up to twice a week, during dinner, in the middle of the night, on weekends, while I'm at the beach, etc. I eventually got a labor lawyer involved, which stopped the on-call. But he retaliated by turning up the heat by criticizing anything and everything work-related. Since it's work-related, it's legal, and there's jack I can do. Then I had a really horrible experience involving my car, which I'd rather not get into. And my job pressure was increasing and increasing. One day, I decided to man up and request vacation time, and I guess I sold my soul enough times that my boss miraculously decided to approve vacation time. The same minute he sent me the approval e-mail, I logged on to the Carnival Cruise Line site from my work computer, and booked a cruise. A few months later, I was on embarking on the ship.

The cruise was just plain surreal!! ! Not just "fun", "exciting", or however else people describe vacation, but surreal! It wasn't the fact that I was vacationing on a ship for the first time, but just the way I was treated. I had tons of anxiety about going on the cruise, since I was going alone, and an aspie man alone in public is usually a bully magnet, as we've all experienced. But it was absolutely nothing like it. Here's a non-exhaustive list of explanations.
1. My tablemates at my assigned dinner table treated me as a true equal. When I talked about my life "on land" and my hobbies, they actually listened intently. Not even for a second did they ignore me, like "that's just Aspie1 talking; we don't need to listen". In particular, they really seemed to like my explanations about ship physics, when someone at my table asked why the ship was rocking the way it was.
2. A group of 20-somethings that all knew each other, who would have eaten me alive if they met the college version of me, let alone the high school version, let me join them to play mafia (a social game where you guess who's mafia and who's innocent) in the Lido pool. I was the only outsider in their group, but it didn't feel that way at all. OK, maybe a little bit, but only because they mentioned places from their hometown that I've never heard of.
3. I managed to get someone romantically interested in me. She was cruising solo too, and was close to my age. We talked in passing pretty early on, and properly met roughly halfway through the cruise. She had quite a few tattoos and a piercing, and even said she had a kid back home. In real life, I'd probably avoid her like the plague, lol, but on that cruise, I felt instantly comfortable with her. We spent a lot of time together. Out of respect for privacy, I'll say that enough happened to distinguish it from friendship and leave it at that. Nothing materialized, as she lives practically on the opposite side of the US.
4. A lot of the crew members spoke Spanish as their native language, and I know it pretty well. Since I mentioned it when the situation allowed, word got around among crew members, and I was getting little extras, like more alcohol than normal in my drinks. Whether they recognized me by my face or by flagging my ship card number, I'll never know.
5. Fellow passengers were very friendly and open to my approaches. Whether I asked a rather utilitarian question on how to get to the funnel deck*, or commented in awe about the wakes behind the ship lit up by the moonlight, not a single person reacted negatively. It either ended with a "thanks, have a nice day" or led to a long conversation, but there was no negative reaction ever. Except maybe in the debarkation line, where people were acting a little bit surly.
(*funnel deck - The area surrounding the red-and-blue funnel that all Carnival ships have, or "smokestack" in land terms)

In a strange way, the cruise was a form of age regression, only while getting to enjoy all the benefits of adulthood. In a way, I was experiencing my vacation life the way a lot of NT kids experience their childhood. Look at it this way. The waitstaff was bringing whatever food I asked for as much as I asked for, the entertainment crew made sure I was never bored for a second, I had zero trouble making friends with fellow passengers, and at night, the ship's gentle rocking had me fall asleep almost instantly. Although one time, I had to roll over sharply, when I was lying close to the edge of the bed and the ship hit a rough patch of waves, 'cause I came close to falling off. Could have been a funny story, though.

It all came crashing down like Titanic in the ocean, after I arrived home. It really started to notice how my family talked down to me and didn't fully respect me, I really started to see how abusive and hostile my work environment was, and I really started to feel dissatisfied with how boring my regular life was. Writing obnoxiously long reviews on a cruise review site helped, but only by a small margin. I think I've become depressed, from having had such an out-of-this-world great experience, and returning to the boring drudgery of home and the intense pressure of work. I'm questioning everything I did in my life. Did I really live my childhood the way I did just because I didn't know better? Did I really stay in the horrible career like IT for so long just because I didn't know better? What else is out there that I never found out about because of my aspie naiveness? And what do I do next? I try to drown out my troubles with smoking and drinking, only instead of smoking flavorful cigars and drinking exotic cocktails with risque names in souvenir glasses, I now smoke off-brand cigarettes and drink cheap, nasty beer. I know people will say "meditate", "exercise", "think positive", etc., but it all just feel like futile effort, with the way this existential crisis is getting to me.

I suppose one nice thing came out of it. I'm now meeting regularly with a life coach to decide on changing my career. I just can't stand the complete lack of work/life balance in IT. I read horror stories about people's vacations being interrupted. In fact, the only reason why I even considered going on a cruise is so that no one can call me; before, I was put off by the high drink prices and the crowds. And while it was a surreal experience in the literal sense of that word, it had ramifications I never expected. And career change is one of them. That, and unfortunately, the existential crisis.

Anyway, what do you think? Is it even normal for a simple cruise to cause an existential crisis like that? And what should I do about it?

It's been quite a while since I've been on a boat but I've recently had a similar sense of what you're feeling after I'd taken a few long road trips

It's a good thing you got to experience what you described, the aftermath is just part of the comedown. Things had been crappy before and are still the same amount of crappy, only your positive time has magnified the old crappiness.

Dude if you are in any position at all to treat yourself well like that on a regular basis, take every opportunity. At least do it 1 more time to see you get the same good vibe, that's what I'd say you should do about it

I think what you've written makes perfect sense - sometimes its hard to have a clear view of the situation when you are in the middle of it. A little taste of normality can demonstrate how abnormal a situation is. When I was in my teens I was sent to live with another family as my Mum was depressed and struggling to cope with my difficult behaviour. Being with that family was like a revelation to me - I'd never before realised what a horrible atmosphere of tension and despair permeated my home.

I think this cruise has given you an idea of the sort of treatment you should have as a person. I know you can't change your family, but if there is a possibility of changing your job that might help.

This sounds like something straight out of a Chuck Palahniuk or Bret Easton Ellis book.

I think everyone to an extent goes through that when returning from vacation. It's a time when you can totally rest, people go on vacation to have fun and relax.

It sounds like you might want to jump into the job market and get to looking for a new job.

I may be wrong here, but it sounds to me like because you were in a situation where nobody knew you that you behaved differently and were treated differently. When we are treated lke crap for a long time, we start behaving like we expect or accept it. People we know or see regularly get into the habit of treating us that way and thats just hw things are then.

I think you may have expected to be treated like crap from pople on the cruise, and when you weren't you acted differently than you normally do. Just subtle differences, but enough to notice subconsciously or something. I think that when you came back home to the crappy treatment, after the experience of being treated like a normal human being and an equal, that the crappy treatment became more noticable and less acceptable to you. I think you found out that you are not destined to just being treated like a second class citizen by everyone else and after a taste of the normal world, you are more dissastisfied with how you are treated. You notice it more now and it's less tolerable because you saw that it doesn't have to be that way.

I felt similar as I started being accepted by more people. I noticed the bad treatment by others more and more. I'd suggest doing what I did. Telling them what is unacceptable about how they are treating you, when they do something thats unaccetable. Some people won't like it and don't like it when others change how they act, because they have put the person into a "catagory" in their own minds. Tough sh*t for them. You can be polite and point out what they did that bothered you, or if they keep doing things like that you can say "I don't play that anymore, either treat me with respect or don't let the door hit you on the way out"

I think you will also have to change how you relate to them now too. Don't allow yourself to go back to being passive.

Yes, I did expect to be treated like crap, or at least flat-out ignored, on this cruise. Hence, all those "apprehensive about my cruise" threads I wrote in the past. But paragraph only partially summarizes my reasons for the hard come-down after returning home. There are plenty of situations in my daily life where no one would even remotely consider treating me life crap: things like dance classes, singles' parties, etc. And yet, I just can't relax as fully there as I could on my cruise. Another reason is that so many norms that took me decades to memorize, understand, and integrate into my personality simply went out the window the moment I got on the ship. Cruise ships have numerous norms all of their own, which I was able to learn instantaneously, and most of them also extended to the ports of call.

Here are some of those norms.
1. Walking around in astonishment, gawking at everything you see, is not only tolerated but also completely understood. Mostly, it's explained away that the person is a first-time cruiser, or an experienced cruiser trying out a new ship for the first time. In non-cruise situations (hereafter, "on land"), walking around like that is like carrying a sign saying "throw something at me from a passing car".
2. Wandering the ship by yourself just for the sake of it is perfectly normal. It means you're just learning your way around, so you don't get lost later on, or as it's affectionately referred to, "getting to know your ship". Even at resorts I've been to, this behavior was looked down upon. And when I did it on land when I was 16, I almost got assaulted one time.
3. Using proper terms for things on the ship is embraced, rather than seen as dorky. If you say words like "port/starboard/forward/aft", rather than the land-based "left/right/front/rear", it means you're getting into the atmosphere of cruising, rather than being a know-it-all. In other words, being smart is admired, rather than despised.

One interesting thing that seems unique to cruising is that solo cruisers get "adopted". It means that an existing group of friends or a family lets you join them on most activities, makes you feel welcome, and treats you like a full member. (Couples usually do not adopt.) I was adopted like that by a group of three, two sisters and a brother, that were on my embarkation shuttle. We got to talking a lot while waiting in line to embark, and I ended up going to shows with them or just sitting at a table on the open deck, having snacks and crazy mixed drinks. (I had dinner with my assigned tablemates, whose company I enjoyed as well.) At that time, I wasn't too familiar with the adoption process, so from time to time, I'd break off from the group and do my own thing. In retrospect, that probably wasn't necessary, since by adopting me, they indicated that I'm not imposing by spending time with them. Later on the during the cruise, I met a girl who liked me, so I ended up spending more time with her. Still, I didn't just disappear from my "adoption group"; last night, I stopped by their cabin to have a drink, thank them for their company, and say goodbye.

Also, I got to feel like a leader, for the first time in my life. In one port of call, I went into a cafe, and saw people wearing Carnival hats. So I asked them if they were from [ship name]. They said yes, and we ended up eating alcohol-infused ice cream and talking for over an hour, until it was time to head back to the ship. We started a conga line of 7 people through the city streets, with random people joining; I didn't even know if they were from the ship or townies getting in on the fun. First, we simply chanted "tah-tah, tah-tah, tah, tah!", until things got quiet. Then I took over. I started singing, "In the morning, in the evening, ain't we got fun ..."*. Then something happened that amazed me. The entire conga line, 20 people by now, joined in! The singing later started to get out of sync, plus not everyone knew all the lyrics, but repeated the same parts of the song until we reached the ship. We exchanged a lot high-fives and parted ways.
("In the morning, in the evening, ain't we got fun ..." - this song, with modified lyrics, was once used by Carnival in its TV commercials. The conga line had a mainly 40-something crowd, so I'm sure they remembered it. The original song was written in 1920's; it's even mentioned in Great Gatsby. We sang the original, not Carnival's version.)

Needless to say, after pretty much playing the role of a conductor in a conga line, not being able to get a word in a group conversation or being brushed off by my family was very disheartening. You've all read my other examples too. What I experienced in that week was very, dare I say it, humanizing. So no wonder I had such a hard come-down after returning home. If it wasn't for the fact that shrinks constantly grill you about your feelings, I wouldn't be opposed to seeing one to discuss my existential crisis. But since I already know how it made me feel and don't see the need to repeat it, I'll just vent by posting comments on cruise review sites. And here, of course.

I can see why going back to the job and family after that experience was a huge letdown. Let me suggest that what occurred on your vacation is reality, that it's potentially your future, and what you experience day to day now is the painful existence that mankind has created and tries to pass off as life, which perhaps to this point you've bought into to some degree, or given into.

The life coach sounds like a great idea, and maybe you could look into a new strategy for a job search, or doing IT freelance, or something else altogether, anything actually that would help you get out from under the problem employer. IT people are treated pretty horribly. I remember in my former workplace, there was one man who was brilliant at his job and it was a curse, because he could not take a vacation without being called and asked to deal with problems at the office. I wondered why he didn't just go somewhere that had no phone - or lie and say he was going somewhere without a phone, and unplug his. It's insane what employers think they can get away with.

Families are strange too. I don't think my parents ever stopped seeing me, at least in part, as the little kid who had a screaming crying fit the first time they tried to take me to kindergarten. Even well into my 40s, my family did not see me as I am. They saw me through their own lens, and there's not really any getting around that. It's why in later years I limited my time with them. I could be myself much more easily when not under their scrutiny - and I think I had GOOD parents.

I love reading your story about your cruise. It sounds like a fabulous vacation. Cherish those memories, no matter what, and don't let the insanity you face back home ruin it for you.

Yeah, I've had experiences like that. Often enough though they didn't happen from vacationing but rather certain pockets of my social network and people I met. It's always been confusing because on one hand I feel like there's a huge cap to my mobility based on executive functioning, prejudgements placed on me, etc. which hold me in a less-than-adult station, but at the same time when I'm with certain people I'd never know it; it gets incredibly tricky to tell whether I'm being down on myself the rest of the time or whether the specifics of the situation or particular social group need to be taken as isolated incidents and exceptions to the broader rule (ie. these people don't really have to deal with my shortcomings either).

Aspie1, if you having been working several years in IT and living at home don't you have enough saved to quit your job and take a vacation while you job search?

That's awesome that you can socialize like that with strangers, I wish I could. I think you should take a risk and figure out what you want from life now while you are still young. I should too...

Actually, I don't live at home. I live in my own apartment. But when I visited my family, they treated me like they always did: like their subordinate, rather than a near-equal, which is how grown children should be treated. The downside of living on my own is that I have to pay bills. If I quit, I won't get unemployment benefits, which means I'll have to burn through my savings, which means another cruise is out of the question. And with the economy in the sh*thouse, I'll burn through all my savings faster than I can find my next job. And that goes double if I'll be looking for a job in a new career, where I'll have zero experience, so no employer will want to hire me, unless I can find someone to pull some strings for me. And being an aspie, I lack the charisma needed to find such a person.

I'm already "taking a risk and figuring out what I want from life". I'm getting out of IT and into another career: anything but IT. I'll sweep streets if I have to, but I don't want to fix another computer or write another program for as long as I live. I started seeing a career coach, who will help me decide which field I want to move into. Clearly, "anything but IT" or "street sweeping" are not the answer. My friends are very supportive of my decision. Unlike my family, who spent their working years during the time when jobs were easy, friendly, and nearly stress-free, they truly understand the concept of burnout. Either way, no more IT for me. I just have to work with my career coach to market myself effectively enough to break into a new field.

I was surprised myself by how easy it was to socialize with complete strangers on that cruise. Maybe it was the lack of cell phones and laptops, the relaxing rocking of the ship, the fun atmosphere the crew managed to create, and the closed quarters, that when put together, resulted in a an environment where an aspie man can walk around alone in public in complete safety. Try creating that in a regular American city, let alone a school; it's freakin' impossible. And that's exactly what's causing the existential crisis. I can "bring a piece of vacation home" all I want: by looking at cruise photos, by cooking Carnival's recipes at home, and by drinking out of souvenir glasses I bought on the ship; but no matter what, that environment just cannot be imitated fully.

Maybe you'd enjoy working for a cruise line, or in the hospitality industry.

Before you completely consider a career switch, do you really hate everything about IT? What got you into it in the first place? There are companies with relaxed atmosphere, where you aren't on-call, and you get enough time off to have a social life. So unless you hate all aspects of the job, maybe you can find a job doing the part of IT you like in a company that you like. I'd rather be writing programs than sweeping streets, but that's just me.

Not an option. One, cruise lines generally don't hire Americans (except for one ship, Pride of America, operated by Norwegian Cruise Line). They usually hire contractors from Third World countries, under the H1-B or J1 visa. Two, crew members' schedules are horrible: 12- to 16-hour days, with no weekends. They're not allowed on passenger decks except to work, being largely confined to crew decks, all located at or below the waterline. Plus, they work for tips, with only a symbolic wage, much like restaurant waitstaff in the US. All crew members have to sleep on military-like bunk beds, two or more to a room (except officers, who have private rooms); at least they get to eat the same food as passengers. (And cruise food is delicious.) Maybe things are better on Pride of America, where there's an American crew, but I'm not taking chances. Of course, when they're working, they're all smiles. I returned the favor by tipping generously and giving glowing reviews to the purser, and while I'll keep cruising, I could never work for a cruise line.


Yes, I hate everything about IT. I got into it because I was good at it back in college. But unlike all other career fields, where the better you work, the better you're treated, in IT, the better you work, the worse you're treated. Every single IT job I had was worse than the one before it. And based on the research I did, it's only going to get worse, much worse. Companies are increasingly putting IT people on salary, so they can legally make them work 16-hour days with 24/7 on-call, all in the name of cost-cutting. Apparently, my company is already tried that, and I had to get a lawyer involved to put a stop to it; I succeeded because I'm hourly. They're now trying put me back on call, only I ignore any calls after business hours. So simply put, there's no hope for me in IT. At this point, I'd rather pick up dog sh*t with my bare hands (as long as I don't have any open cuts) than fix another computer or write another program.