Reappearing in a crisis :(

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As some of you may possibly know I gave up on posting here a while back for various reasons. However, tonight has been a real doozy and I don't have anywhere else to turn, and I feel like even though I don't really know anyone here, I need to tell SOMEONE what's happening to me, for the sake of my own sanity.

I was in a committed long-distance relationship for almost two years. My partner and I were very close but we fought a lot. In addition to my Asperger's posing a major difficulty to a "normal" relationship, he has numerous issues including serious anger problems. He was physically abusive to his ex-wife, but he told me that he could never do that to me because he'd matured and he loved me, and sucker that I am, I believed him, because he seemed like generally such a kind, compassionate soul. However, he started to show more and more disturbing behaviors, breaking things in his home and even injuring himself (he broke his hand hitting his computer and sprained his ankle stomping his foot) during his frequent outbursts. He also became very controlling and critical. I tried to work with him on this because despite everything I still thought he was a good guy who didn't want to hurt anyone and just needed some extra understanding.

Then he came to visit me for three months, from January through March of this year. He began assaulting me a week after he arrived-- when we argued and he got really worked up, he would grab my upper arms hard enough to leave bruises, throw me onto the bed, kneel over me, cover my mouth and scream in my face. The first time it happened, I believe he was genuinely shocked and remorseful. I think up until then, he really believed that he would never touch me in an aggressive way. But it didn't stop. He continued to attack me on almost a weekly basis for the remainder of the three months, right up until the last day he was here, in the motel room waiting for me to take him to the airport. It got so that as soon as I could see he was angry, I would grab my purse and go sprinting out of the door to get away from him before he could hurt me, but more than once he chased me down, followed me into the parking lot of my apartments and screamed at me and hold me by the arms there. On the last occasion, in the motel, he covered my mouth and nose so that I was unable to breathe, and I opened my mouth wide trying to scream or take in air, but the pressure did something to my jaw-- it made a loud snap and hurt sharply, and I still have problems with it popping and hurting now if I open my mouth wide.

He promised me that when he got home he would seek therapy and I would see changes in his behavior that would prove he was bettering himself so that I could be safe with him. I still loved him so I told him I would give him a chance to change. We parted in tears and he promised me that things would be better and we could have a life together someday. That was three months ago. He's been trying to get into therapy, but in the meantime, things haven't improved. He did behave better for a while, but then he began the same old patterns: everything I do is wrong, I'm always getting mountains of criticism and no basic polite gestures like "please" or "thank you," when he wants something he orders me to do it instead of asking, when we argue he starts insulting me and threatening me... etc. All of the things that I consider warning signs for his physical outbursts, based on what preceded them when he was here. He has been making me feel worthless and hurting me so much, and I've tried to tell him but he's just gotten angry at me for it and criticised me even more. As a result I've been drinking and smoking heavily to try to numb myself, and growing more and more depressed, especially now that my uni term is over and I don't have any distraction to take me away from him. I tried to leave him once but after a few days he convinced me to come back, and again, things were better for a few days, then worse again.

I should note that this is not the first time I've been in an abusive relationship. My first husband, whom I married when I was only 18, terrorized me by telling me he was going to kill me because he'd seen me "flirting" with a colleague. (All because I, in my stupid awkward Aspie way, was only trying to respond positively to someone's friendly overtures ) He made me beg him for my life and promise never to speak to the colleague again. To this day I don't know if he would have really killed me or not.

Finally tonight I confronted my partner. I told him that I didn't want to be with someone who treated me like sh*t, and that saying "I love you" doesn't mean anything if you don't treat someone with love. Finally I said that I had feelings for someone I know from uni (which is the truth) and that if he wasn't going to treat me right I wanted to keep options open. He of course begged me for another chance, said he didn't know I was feeling so bad, etc. We argued for about two hours. I then told him that I didn't want to talk any more tonight and that he was making me feel pressured, and that I needed time alone to think about things. He reluctantly agreed and said goodnight. About an hour later I had calmed down a bit and went to call him back and tell him that I was sorry we fought, that I still love him, and that I would talk to him about it in the morning and maybe we could work out a way to have some space until he sorted himself out but still be committed. Well, we share a skype account (for financial reasons... it's complicated) and when I went to call him I saw that he had left messages to MY MOTHER telling her about my feelings for someone else!! I am a very private person and my mother and I are not close, so this was extremely hurtful and totally inappropriate. I felt completely betrayed. Even after everything that has passed between us, I couldn't believe he would stoop to that depth. I proceeded to leave him a message calling him some pretty nasty things, and telling him that we are completely and totally over.

I feel empty inside right now. I have no friends and he was my only confidante and the only person I've ever been in love with. This loss is much, much deeper and more acute than when I left my first husband, whom I never actually loved. I don't know if I've ever felt this kind of pain: the combined loss, humiliation, betrayal, loneliness, and also a full (belated) realization of all the wrongs I have been suffering. I feel like something inside me has shriveled up and died, like a leaf in a winter wind, being bitterly buffeted with no idea where I'm going or why.

[Edited for clarification -MHC]

a person who has been through all of that which you wrote about has every reason to feel the pain, hurt, heartache, sadness and loneliness that you desribe. but let me promise you that you aren't alone. I won't try and tell you that you will feel better soon, because I know from experience that it takes a long time to get that kind of pain out of your head and heart and body. But I do want to encourage you that no matter how someone has treated you, you are worth protecting. You will feel better again someday and will see beauty that you haven't seen for a long time.

I'll be the first to admit it - I don't understand abuse.

More to the point: what I don't understand are women who take it then complain about it then go back for more. Either I'm as slow as molasses or as thick as pea soup.

As a helpless child I watched as my mother - and we ourselves - were abused by my violent drunkard father. Us kids had no choice but to take it. But my mother? Sh*t! Stab that m*therf*cker f*cker when he's sleeping.

I'm glad you're back, Minotaurheadcheese. We never forgot about you.

Perhaps you can answer this question: why do abused women go back to their abuser? It can't be as simple as, "He'll change." People can't be that thick to believe that, do they?

<--- Never saw a leopard change its spots.
<--- Never saw a tiger change its stripes.
<--- Never saw an abuser change their evil f*cking ways.

Yeah. You can tell. I have abuse issues and your post hits home with me. I only hope you will find the strength to leave this piece of sh*t.

Over and out.

If you wouldn't do it to someone else, and you wouldn't intentionally do it to yourself, what makes it OK for someone to do it to you? Repeat as needed

Welcome back, I'm so glad you felt able to return.

What a horrible situation. I think you have done the right thing even if it hurts right now. You must be in a lot of pain, but it will pass. You have no reason to feel ashamed, you haven't done anything wrong. I do understand the urge to go back when someone has worn you down to the extent that you feel it is them or nothing, or that you are at fault. But you aren't at fault. You could contact a Domestic Abuse charity for extra support if you felt you could talk over the phone (although some may have email) and you can PM me if that will help - it doesn't have to be coherent if you just want to let it all out. I've never been married but I've been in a violent relationship (a long time ago) and I can still remember how terrible I felt. Eventually I left him in the run up to our wedding. If I hadn't I know I would be dead now, but for six months after that I cried every day. It took a long time for emotional scars to heal but they did and I'm sure yours will too.

You did the right thing and I think for now you should concentrate on the other parts of your life in order to feel more whole and less broken. It will be hard to put this behind you but do it as much as you can. It's saddening to know this happens to people in the WP community let alone anywhere. You made 1 positive step in the right direction, which can only lead to many more

So I wanted to say its a good thing you're breaking up for him.. but to be honest (and I am trying to be supportive) I probably don't get the reasoning.

By that I mean it should be mainly because he put his hands on you ever--that should be the reason to break up, to keep yourself out of harm.


Anyway.. this was abuse from the get-go, help is nice.. him rehabilitating himself and his behaviors is commendable.. but to be honest, whatever your reason for breaking up is probably a blessing. I would not have closed the door for a relationship on someone genuinely remorseful and seeking help, but you have to ask yourself how much time and energy you're willing to devote to someone who would do that to you in the first place. Especially when they promised not to.

Also to elaborate the fact that its been done more than once, probably means he was never truly remorseful.


In my opinion you deserved more from your partner than for him to put his hands on you, you deserve more right now.

P.S.

After rereading certain portions, I edited my post to include parts I only thought relevant.

I should've read more thoroughly the first time but it was late.

Last edited by Greatsharkbite on 25 Jun 2012, 4:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Greatsharkbite, from the above I can deduce you either or collectively:
A) Have never been out with anybody and envy anyone that has, which is why depsite the alarming danger minotaur put herself in with this relationship you advise her to stay with the guy.
B) Think physical assault, strangulation, endangering the lives of others in secret, insane bouts of jealous rage and the like are "Part of relationships". Scary scary scary. I fear for your partner.
C) Didn't read the opening post properly or in full.

Your post is likely not helpful to the OP at all.

I'll keep this short so the tc can get genuine advice rather than mini debates going on in her thread.

Januaryman, if you read my post you would've read that I said her leaving this guy is a blessing.

I'll try to clarify my post a little for you.

By normal back and forth I should clarify--i'm referring only to the guy contacting her mom and discussing the situation with her. Or possible verbal arguments, nothing else. Domestic violence shouldn't be something she ever tolerates, nor should she stay with someone capable of that.

I don't approve of domestic violence at all, nor did I ever "advise" her to stay with the guy. ... I mean, first sentence of my post was "So I wanted to say its a good thing you're breaking up with him." <- Did you read my post, or merely skim?

I will say one thing I apologize for, I didn't quite read clearly or misread rather, was how often the abuse was. I thought it was an isolated incident, not on a weekly basis spanning three months. If he was truly sorry, no matter what his issue, -- he'd have distanced himself from the situation after the first incident and gotten help asap. I don't feel any pity for the guy since that isn't the case.

I read that part.

OP, how have you been since your split? Do you feel safe now and have they contacted you since?

I've actually been okay. I guess I expected to be more upset about it but I feel kind of... free. I do feel safe now. We've called each other a few times and said that we will stay friends and keep in touch, but also keep our distance. I still think I made the right decision. Thanks for asking

With the thing about talking to my mom, I feel it's another way in which he was emotionally abusive, but maybe that's hard to understand if you weren't there. This was something that had been a problem in the past. He knows exactly what my relationship with my mother is like and he used to use the threat of telling her bad things about me as leverage to make me talk to him. I had told him only about a week before that I wanted my mother left completely out of our relationship and that if he spoke to her about me or even threatened it, we would be over. So he knew full well what he was doing; I think he just didn't really believe that I would end it, and thought that he could get away with scaring me into submission.

Re the person who asked why people stay in abusive relationships... I can't speak for anyone else, but personally I think it just gets complicated and confusing. Being in a relationship for a long time, and moving straight from one committed relationship to another, a lot of my identity, goals, and purpose were bound up in those relationships. This was especially true for me given that I'd been with my first husband (also abusive) since I was 14, so I never had any healthy experience of a relationship. When you've been with someone for a while and you think you know them, especially if you love them, then when things start to happen that set off the alarm bells for someone objective, it's easy to dismiss them, make excuses, and assume that somehow everything you knew about your partner before that moment trumps what they just did to you. When you're used to turning to someone for shelter, solace and companionship, it's hard to do an about-face and see them as some kind of evil jerk. It took me a long time to come to a point where I could see that while everything else I knew about my recent partner was true, so was the fact that he was abusive, and even if he really is a nice guy deep down and we have a lot in common and all those other things, the abuse is not something I can live with. You get the whole package, not just the good bits, and some of the ugly bits are just deal breakers.

I can see how that's hard to understand if you have a family history of violence, though. One of my main concerns that I kept weighing up as I arrived at my decision to end this relationship was that I didn't want my son to grow up becoming aware of what was happening and either being traumatized, or thinking that was how people are supposed to treat each other. And I can say 100% that if anyone ever laid a hurtful hand on my son, they'd regret the day they were born.

I've been in two verbally abusive relationships. The first was a 20 year marriage. The second was a 7 year relationship. Although I've never been hit, I've had my arms bruised and been screamed at a lot. There was always a fear of being hit in one relationship. And in another, less physical fear but much more emotional damage.

I'm very proud of you for leaving this relationship. You did the right thing.

My ex-husband called my very religious parents and my sister to tell them that I committed adultery. I only did it after years and years of being cheated on myself, and constantly being accused of it. I understand the pain and betrayal you feel.

You said you don't have any friends. I have only a couple of friends, and the situation isn't ideal. I rely on online friends for most of my emotional support and friendships. You are welcome to PM me anytime, and write as long as you'd like. It would be good for me too, to talk to someone that's been through this.

I left my last ex 9 months ago. It was a terrible situation and I was wise in getting out when I did. It was just getting worse and worse. But I miss him sometimes. I know this isn't logical but my therapist said it's normal. There has to be a grieving process. There is such a feeling of peace now. I didn't have that at first.

Hang in there! I'd like it if you'd PM me but if not please keep us updated on Wrong Planet. We care!