Trust issues

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Hello WP.

I've always had some kind of trust issues(probably due to my dad leaving my mother when I was nine years old) and lately they've been starting to bug me.
As an aspie, I really, really hate betrayal/backstabbing/lying, especially if friends do it to me. 'Friends' have betrayed me in the past and very recently, I've been completely unable to trust anyone. I'm not sure who my friends are and if what they say is a lie or the truth.

Can anyone here relate to this? It's making me utterly miserable and I'd love to know how I can find out just who my real friends are and who aren't.

Cheers,

Amon.

Coming through...
Anyway trust issues... friends... I know how you feel.
Now what I know from real friends and the not really friends are determined by their response to other people giving you a hard time.
The real genuine types don't laugh or want to join in whereas the rest will.

I don't trust anybody anyway, so i don't see it as a problem but simply a fact. People always gossip about absentees, it seems to be sort of a natural law for the NT society. And they also find pleasure in using and abusing others for their own selfish purposes, hence there's no point in trusting them.

Trust is difficult for me as well. It's something people have to earn, it's not something I give automatically in most cases.

There are different levels of trust, as well. I have a mechanic I trust to do a good job, but I don't trust him like a friend. I trust my partner much more than I trust my friends, I trust my friends more than I trust my acquaintances. And each level of trust is earned & learned thru how each person responds.

There's a flip side to this as well... our own trustworthiness. And that comes in different shapes & forms, too.

Can you elaborate on what you mean with this, please?

Also, does anyone have some more input into trust issues ?
They're starting to be a real problem for me. I literally don't trust anybody anymore.

What I'm thinking about in terms of our own trustworthiness is things like... can we be trusted to get the job done on time? That's one level of trust. If we say we're going to do something, do we follow thru? Do we pay the bills on time? Do we get the dog's shots when it's time. So the purely practical level of work/family responsibility trust.

Then there's more...IDK...personal levels of trust. So things like... do we keep confidences? How well do we listen to others when they are talking about something that bothers them? Do we make an effort to be sensitive to their feelings in our speech, while still being honest?

Think about what you would want in a trusted friend & consider whether A) it's a sane, reasonable expectation (kidney donation, bailing you out of jail, etc. isn't really a reasonable expectation for your average friendship), B) whether you meet your own expectations, and C) what conditions cause you to not meet these expectations.

It's a lifelong investigation, but it helps me stay sane about the whole thing. Identifying my own boundaries & getting a little better understanding of other's.

HTH

I basically just expect people to trust me and be completely... I can't trust people if I feel like 1. feel like they're not being honest with me 2. they don't trust me and 3. if I feel like they're talking about me behind my back. I think that these are reasonable conditions, but it's still hard for me to trust people, since most people lie all the damned time :/

Cheers for your input,

Amon.

Does this mean thank you & good bye?

Or do you want to continue the discussion?

Either way is OK w/me.

Hah, if you have addition info on how I can trust people again, it'd be lovely
I just have serious trouble with any kind of lying, no matter if they're white lies or not, they all bother me and drive me insane, slowly.

Trust, to you, means someone is completely honest w/you & doesn't talk behind your back.

Two questions:
Do you always have evidence that they have talked behind your back or do you sometimes just go on feeling?

And how does someone show you that they trust you?

I think I'm going to go look up the word 'trust'... I like to be careful w/words. Often we think we are all talking about the same thing & it turns out we're not.

Trust... faithful; assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.; one in who one's confidence is placed.

Confidence... faith, trust; a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or reliance on one's circumstances; the quality or state of being certain; a relation of trust or intimacy; reliance on another's discretion.

Interesting words to reflect on.

Well usually I just have the feeling, but since I'm a pathalogical liar myself, I can see straight through people's lies.
Someone shows that they trust me by not shying away from telling me what ails them, when something clearly does ail them.
Those are interesting words indeed, just not sure what to think about them.

You're a pathological liar & you want to trust people? Now that seems unreasonable. Trust is a mutual relationship & if you chronically lie, that's the environment you create. One of deceit.

It seems like maybe the first question might be... how do you become more honest? Trustworthy? One who's word is true?

I'm mostly talking about online situations here. I lie a lot more IRL and I don't really have that many trust issues IRL, just online.
I'm brutally honest on the internet, though, which sometimes isn't exactly a good thing .

Is the brutality an honest representation of you or just unskillful?

I know I am working to find the way of truly expressing myself in a kinder, more skillful way because my blunt honesty doesn't reflect my concern for others well. It's EASY for me to be blunt, but if it hurts others, than that is not true to a deeper experience of myself as someone who generally wishes others well.

Did that make sense?

I'm not rude or blunt anymore(I've learned not to be), but if people ask me to be honest, I'm always honest. If it's something they'd rather not hear, I do tell them beforehand, though.

So now you've told me you're a pathological liar & brutally honest.

Which one is true?