About to slip back in...

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I think I post on this forum every week. Usually on Wednesdays.

I'm about to lose it. I have felt despair before, but not like this.
My depression won't let up. Last Thursday I laid in bed all day...I didn't even leave the room. I just laid there. I didn't feel a thing emotionally.
Then, Friday, I just got up and decided to live. That happiness was a choice. It took all day, but I decided it was going to be better. Then, Saturday, I decided to live. Then Sunday, I decided life was good. Now I'm visiting Mom for the longest time in two years. Oh gosh.

But yesterday and today I felt the wave of depression slowly creeping back. Today was the breaking point. It was HORRIBLE.

- Found out that Mom is in official denial about her mental illness.
- Had a horrible night's sleep because Mom is living in this tiny little cabin with two rooms. She likes it cold. I couldn't sleep. She took up the space on the bed. I was in a lot of pain. My clothes itched. My neck hurt. I was up until 5 in the morning in the bathroom rocking and trying to calm myself down.
- Today, woke up feeling sick with my heart murmur acting up. Mom mad because we couldn't get out of the house before noon. On four hours of sleep.
- Have a two hour long drive. I hate them. I feel like my life is being sucked away.
- Had to go shopping. I hate shopping. I hate the people, the noises, the stores, the parting with money, and Mom trying to impose her fashion sense on me. The one thing about my Asperger's she can't stand is that I could care less about other's opinions about my appearance.
- Had a fight in the car for an hour and a half where I ended up screaming and telling her to back off and let me live life. Give me my boundaries. Stop being codependent. I'm 20 (I turn 21 in a month). Understand that. Understand that I have Asperger's and that's that.
- Made up in the car, got home, happy and tired. But, the dog was sick. About to die. Mom had a panic attack and so I had a meltdown because of all the emotion and stimulation and stress. When Mom panics she looks to me to pick her up. I can't.
- After a two hour long ordeal the dog's liver failed and the vet put her down. Mom then really needed emotional support.
And my dog just died.

I want to leave this hell and get on with my life.

I don't think I can keep my depression at bay any more. So much for deciding to enjoy life.

Wow. That's a remarkably dreadful ordeal. And then the poor dog, on top of it.

No wonder you feel so horrible. I hope that you can hang on a little more. I hope that you can get some peace somewhere.

Wow, you and I have some things in common with our mothers, dogs, asperger's etc. I somewhat know how you feel, I definantly know the depression.. I can say that your dog's death will feel better over time. You know what helped me? When my dog died I dedicated some time to digging a really nice, perfect grave, decorating it with flowers etc. Making a little headstone, wrapping my dog up with some things that reminded me of her, laying her to rest in her favorite blanket and burying her. Said a little prayer for her, wrote her a letter and I keep it next to her grave.

You would be amazed what kind of closure that can bring I recommend doing these things personally. Think of it like this, your dog loved you, who else would they want to be laid to rest by? If I was dead I would be so much more comfortable if I had my family with me etc. At least you where there when your dog died. Mine drowned in a neighbor's pool.

I would offer advice with your mother but I can't even get my mother to acknowledge her mental illness.

I appreciate your kind responses.

I finally got out of the situation, and am feeling better. Just being away from the environment helped SO much. My Mom can't understand how emotionally draining it is to spend that amount of time with her. I love her, but I go crazy when I'm there.

I hated those nights when I'm was the bathroom until 5 in the morning just quietly going insane.

It wasn't really the dog's death that bothered me. I miss her and loved her and she was a sweet dog. But it was her time. It was Mom's reaction to the dog dying. When she saw the dog was ill she lost it emotionally, and panicked, and looked to me to take responsibility, and started yelling and crying and screaming, so I had to lock myself away from her in order to get away from it. Her emotion pushes me over the edge into a shutdown/meltdown, and I don't know why. It's just too much.

Do you guys find that when someone gets hyper-emotional that you either have a shutdown or a meltdown? Maybe it's the worst kind of stimulus??

Sweet Pea hugs