Loss of Parent and dating.

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I know this sounds kind of .... but anyways. My father passed away a few years ago, and at the time I had no emotion one way or the other. I was kind of depressed, but not on account of that. Now fast forward from 2009 to 2012. I was watching this one movie in the park, and the whole message was about being a good role model as a father. I was f*****g depressed. But anyways in addition to that, I had an insight. I was reading about how humans choose mates, based upon parental archtypes. And also, we choose are mates to fulfill what our parents could not give. Anyways, I have been kind of "needing" a girlfriend, not that I personally wanted it, just a desire. Also, wanting friends and such in a similar way. I don't know if these things are related, but in between autism and the loss, do you think the reason I am "needing" things have something to do with each other?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it's normal to 'need' or want friends and a relationship, whether or not you have lost a parent. The two might be related, but they might not. Only you will be able to figure that out for sure. It's also normal to feel unexpected feelings of grief years after the event.

I guess that in the past 3 years I have felt more of a "need" than I have in the past. That is the only correlation I can see. I guess I just want to stop thinking about "having" to get a date. Sometimes it is cool and I don't even think about it. At those points points, I feel like being a hermit, and being fine with it. Working on learning game development, learning html, working on micro-online businesses, being philosophical about things, maybe playing a video game, finishing up a book, or such. But other times when something blocks up the ability or desire to do those things, I switch to another gear and that is all I think about (dating). And it kind of annoys me to see couples sometimes (not all, just random ones).


Then I kind of get all over the top with statistics, comparing the percentage of people who share my worldviews (who seem to contradict, but in actuality don't), percentage of females in my community, percentages of people who like x, and so on and so forth. And I then fret about my not so mainstream views, and worrying about compatibility. Not just because they may be my pet beliefs, but because they are an important part of me.


Anyways, back to the main topic. I really enjoyed my dads company. And he seemed rather logical about his views, And I can see that in me somewhat. I miss that. We use to maybe go do something at the mall (arcade) or perhaps we would chew the fat about politics. I miss that. In the past few years, it seems as though that the world is bs. I understand not everyone wants to talk about politics or some deep philosophical rant, but it is kind of sad that there is not a lot of people like him. And there are people (my age) that I can discuss stuff with, but it is kind of not the same. I like talking with older people a lot about politics and economics, it kind of reminds me of my father. Also, it had a depth to it, kind of a fatherly wisdom if you will. I miss that.

On the topic of dating, I feel rather immature (even though I tend to delve into deep topics) because I haven't made it beyond the first date , and even for those are to the count of 2 (they asked). Or if I do ask someone online, they (in cases besides dates with both sexes) say they will come, but never show up. I am like, "Ok , I know that the average success rate for something is 3%, but why can't I translate those "interests" into actual relationships?" It is frustrating, because my interests can limit the number people interested. For instance, I consider myself quaker, libertarian anarchist, very individualistic, and entrepreneurial. And many of my views put me in the middle, not one way or the other, and I feel very lonely. Most people are focused on "Building the American Dream", while I am building a utopia in my head.
Or I may delve off the deep end about econ and finance . And so I guess in prospective it is asking the following : "Can I find a date that is an agorist or anarcho-capitalist,, is open-minded about religion, but still believes in certain absolutes, is interested in finances, economics, video games, business, sports, philosophical stuff, programming, DIY electronics, and , or sports memorabilia. As long as looks are ok we are good, can cook mashed potatoes (Irish men need their potatoes ) , and can rationally debate things based on logic, reason, and merit, and not on emotion?" Now look, obviously I won't find everything, but it kind of worries me that I won't be able to find someone I enjoy. Sure, I could find someone who is hot sexually, but personality is something I am having a problem with. Most girls talk about s**t like Jersey Shore, insignificant thins like they broke their nail, or just trivial stuff. I guess people say you have to be friends first, but if there is nothing in common, what is the point? idk.


So I combine the two. I want someone that I feel will watch my back, chit chats intelligently, and is wise enough that I could trust them with my life (most people I would not trust with atheir own lives, let alone mine) . Plus I feel awkward in between homeschooling and autism.

Can I ask how old you are? It might simply be raging hormones.

You've clearly taken a very thorough approach to dating and compatibility. I can understand why as your beliefs mean a lot to you but you may be able to have a happy relationship with someone who doesn't feel exactly the same about things as you or even like all the same things - otherwise that is quite a tall order. You are essentially looking for you, but with breasts! For example, I believe in God but my fiancé is an atheist. I'm centre-Left in my politics while he is quite a bit further to the right. He likes computer games, I think they are pointless. I like knitting and he obviously doesn't. We've managed to have a happy relationship for coming up for 5 years now. We have enough in common to make it work but we aren't the opposite gender version of each other, if you know what I mean. We respect each others views even if we don't share them.

The other problem with dating someone based on their politics and yours is that that is something that is subject to change. My politics at 18, or even at 22 when I met my fiancé have changed and so has his, this happens naturally over time. Even religious views are subject to fluctuations. I think it is best to look for someone who you can talk to about a wide variety of things and who you can share some things with. Try not to limit yourself to just the women who are very similar to you. You are right, the majority of dates won't work out, but you only need to find one that does. Broaden your search a little and keep looking.

It sounds as if you really miss your Dad, he sounds like a great guy. Have you considered having bereavement counselling to talk through your feelings? It's a big loss, especially if you were quite young when he died. My Mum's father died when she was 7, and she struggled with issues around that until adulthood. I think that whatever you are doing in your life, whether single or not you will still miss him because he is irreplaceable.

I had a delayed reaction when my father died, too, although mainly just because we had not been on speaking terms for many years before he passed. Sometimes people grieve differently and at their own paces and there is nothing wrong with that. It's good that you are becoming more tuned into your emotions about this and exploring the ways in which it's effected you, though.

That's a really sweeping generalization, though. (If I were to make a statement that all most guys talked about was cars and football, just because that was a stereotype I had picked up somewhere, how would that make you feel?) There are plenty of women out there who have interests outside of reality TV and their appearance, just like there are plenty of guys with varied interests.

If you want to find someone who will challenge you on an intellectual level, put some thought into where you could meet a girl who would. Maybe a book club, a Quaker meetinghouse, volunteering for a political cause you feel passionate about? (Not sure if those would be options, but I'm just trying to get you thinking outside the box a little).

I appreciate the comments. I guess when I mean similar views, I mean as in would accept them, and not look at me like I am a nut. To put it this way, I am kind of Peter Thiel type nutty. You know, kind of idealist, and like to build stuff. I just don't want a date to think "WTF, why are you giving to the Seasteading Institute" or similar type things. I want someone who would understand without getting in all worked up about it. BTW I am going to be 18 in a few weeks.


Right now I am trying to get a hackerspace and or a libertarian party in my town going. I tried calling the party in Michigan, but so far I haven't heard back from them. I am going to college in a month, so hopefully there will be some more options. In my spare time I am trying to learn some programming and read some philosophical and economic literature, and I tend to get absorbed in it for a period, but then I think about dating a lot after that part of the cycle is done.

So to sum up what has been happening is that for a month or two I will obsess about my stuff, having total disregard for everything else, but then after that I tend to get rapped up thinking about dating, and also tend to get more easily depressed in these times.