It's just hard.

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It's hit me tonight just how scared I've been my entire life.

I was sat in my room just on the internet, my partner trying to sleep next to me. My mother, who has severe bipolar with psychotic features, started wailing and calling my name. I was too petrified to answer, because she scares me when she's like this. Eventually I went in because she started shouting 'Why won't you answer me' hysterically, and we live in a block of flats and the neighbours already dislike us (my mum messes with the washing machine and it ends up flooding the kitchen and leaking downstairs, and we had a dog who would bark incessantly at night) so I went in.

I am bad at being nice and supportive, I know that. I wish I could be good. I wish I could go in, and sit there and hold her hand, but I can't. She told me she was afraid, and I said that I can't do anything. I can't. I don't know what to do. She hasn't slept probably in days. But, I can't do anything about that, beyond being very quiet, and leaving her alone.

She's been like this for as long as I can remember, although this is a particularly bad stretch, and it's always petrified me. I don't know how to help her. It's scary.

When I was little and she would do this I would just sit under my bed and cover my ears, or sit in the shoe cupboard. And, I know I was a kid, but I feel like if I had done whatever it she needed to make her feel better then she would be okay now. I feel like it's my fault she's like this.

I've always been so afraid that she would die. She was a drug addict (she took heroin, but also crack occasionally, and other things) for a long time and I used to get so worried that she would overdose. I would get to worried I just couldn't think about it, I thought that if I was really, really good she would stop feeling bad, and then it would get better. But I could never be good enough. I remember I accidentally broke an ornament around the same time she had her first serious depressive episode (I'm told she had a series of mild ones after I was born, which just makes me feel more guilty), and I was so worried she would find out, that I was on edge for weeks. I would rush ahead of her when we were going home so she didn't see the broken side from the window.

She used to keep me off school to keep her company, and we would talk, and she would ask my advice. I felt so close to her, but she never listened to my problems. I was too worried about her to tell her my problems. And, it makes me really sad, because I know she loves me. I think she loves me. I hope she loves me. But, I think that this may have been emotional abuse (my partner says it was/is because she still does it in different ways), and I know if it is she didn't mean to. I just... it's all a lot.

And I was okay earlier today, I was. But now I'm so afraid, and I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying, and I just want to go home.

Sweet Pea hugs

That does sound really hard to handle.