Cycle of depression, possible Aspergers?

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I know noone on here can give me a diagnosis (I am on a waiting list to see a psych) just I feel like I'm going crazy and wanted somewhere to vent and see if anyone else has experienced similar. Ever since I can remember I've had periods of quite severe depression, which I can only really describe as coming from not 'getting' people; the need for friendships, to be popular. Life feels futile in the most part, because I don't desire the company of others enough to make any prolonged effort to maintain most friendships I have a hard time making small talk, worrying about saying the 'wrong' thing, as I don't 'get' how people know what topics make good small talk. At the time, it feels important I say the right thing (probably because I'm a perfectionist) but afterwards I feel like 'I don't really care what that person probably thought of me'. I've never been good at talking, most of the time I speak inaudibly (without realising), as my voice seems to sound louder in my head than it does to the person I'm talking to. I get frustrated by people either not hearing me and ignoring me or asking me to repeat myself.

I've always been labelled as someone who lacks confidence, when on the inside I do have conviction in what I'm saying, I just don't know how to express it by varying my tone of voice, etc. Most of the time I will remain silent or possibly utter a few words to people I don't know that well. I'm slightly better with people I've known for a while, but again, it does seem to be them who initiate conversation. I find it really difficult to be around more than 2 people at once as I can't pick out what's being said and if it's a loud environment (party etc) I will make my excuses and leave at the earliest chance; too much noise makes me feel anxious and irritable. The idea of trying new things (being outside of my 'comfort zone') frankly terrifies me, even though I'd consider myself to be an intelligent person who wants to learn new things.

A few months ago after my latest meltdown, my social worker mentioned the possibility of me having Aspergers. She said it would be up to someone qualified to make the diagnosis, but we did an unofficial test and I scored pretty highly. I don't even know whether it's that important that I get a formal diagnosis. I want to feel better and I guess it may or may not help with that. I did mention Aspergers to my boyfriend, but he just looked surprised and told me he doesn't think it's true as I don't talk a lot. So I guess one thing I'm interested to know (please forgive my ignorance, I don't mean to offend anyone) whether there's any truth in what he's saying, do some Aspies 'cope' with social situations by being silent or trying to avoid them?

I relate to almost every single thing said in this paragraph. I've never thought I lacked confidence (in myself anyway) it is an inability to express myself that I lack and failing to do so several times has made me terrified to make a mistake in conversations.

Then you get almost every single person in your life stating it'll get better if you just try--or you're just nervous, or just be "yourself" and you'll succeed, follow their advice to the letter and end up failing more.. but it now hurts worse.

You internalize that you must be a boring person because no one likes you. Or you must be a coward because you can't approach two people at once and start a conversation etc or weren't able to get over your fear of socializing.

I don't know how not talking a lot means you don't have Aspergers. If I talk a lot, its because i'm lonely as hell.

I'm lucky in that my cycle time is extremely fast, always hours, not days (or months).

you have to 'read yourself'.

I learnt from an early age well before school that i was to be alone, so its no suprise to me. I am lucky in that my damage limitation is quite comprehensive, ppl are amusing but i grant them little direct importance.

My advice is get 'alive'..... get interested.....

Thanks for the replies . I guess I've just reached a point in my life where I need to not just understand the way I think (I feel like I'm pretty self aware) but learn how to 'fit in' and 'play the game' a bit better rather than hitting absolute despair and retreating from the world. I want to be a success and pursue a career in which I can use my intelligence (amongst other things) I just have a hard time not coming across as being antisocial or a bit dim, due to my inability to make myself heard. To be fair, my boyfriend has only known me a couple of years and seems convinced me being withdrawn and socially anxious is due to depression, which is understandable. I've tried various meds for depression over the years, but have never shaken the suspicion there's something else underlying it. I think he'll be understanding and supportive if I do have Aspergers which is a big plus. It's just getting him to understand it might be help for living with and understanding Aspergers which will help me achieve this, rather than just treatment for depression. I think he takes me being withdrawn and isolated as being a result of being depressed rather than the way I instinctively behave (if that makes sense). I will keep trying to speak up for myself and move myself forward but I do feel a bit of support from elsewhere (perhaps him) will help me get where I want to faster (again, if that makes sense!)