Memories that keep on repeating

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Yeah, every evening, when I go to bed, all of the memories that I wish I did not have to deal with come right back to me.

Memories of being brutally bullied in middle and high school. Memories of getting my ass kicked on a regular basis by my stepfather. Memories of being sexually humiliated by my mother. Memories of being sexually molested on a regular basis by my aunt and once by one of the doctors my mother took me to. Memories of my mother telling me to "be strong and just get over it" when I told her I was being sexually abused. Memories of my entire family telling me that I was selfish for being upset at the people who were bullying me, because I was not considering how they were feeling at the time. Memories of my younger sister playing the role of my third parent, and abusing that role by often breaking things around the house and telling the parents that I did it (and they believed her every time).

I know very well that my mother resented the fact that I was born with Asperger's. I know very well that my mother was disappointed when the doctors told her I was supposed to be a miscarriage, and I was born alive and kicking anyway. I was not even supposed to be born, according to her.

I really want to create some serious distance between myself and my family at this point in my life. The only reason why I am keeping in contact with them is because they are providing me with some financial support until I land a PT job. I feel no shame about taking money from them, after all they put me through, it's the least they could do. They think that I am perfectly fine, they think that I have no resentments against them at this point in my life. But I seriously hate each and every one of them. They thought that because I had Asperger's, they could strip me of anything that resembled a shred of dignity. Even today, they try to do that.

But even if I severed ties, I would still have to deal with the reality that all of these memories come back to me every time I go to bed, every time I am alone in my apartment, every time my mind is not occupied with something else, this is what fills it.

Does anybody else have experiences with invasive thoughts such as this?

I have repeated, invasive thoughts, but not like this. Maybe it's the Asperger's that makes it play again and again. It was never clear to me exactly what I was remembering, but I knew they were bad. I think it was just the fact that it was my job to hold on to my parent's paranoia, and having Asperger's made it difficult to let it go.

Yeah all the time...my parents were not quite that bad though, however my entire family moms side and dads side is pretty dysfunctional which can create a pretty negative tense environment...I know that did not help matters really. I mean I got bullied and ostracized at school even by teachers at time and then at home I tried keeping things to myself so I didn't bother anyone with my problems.......my parents argued a lot so I didn't want to add to the stress. Though of course I could only ever hold in so much before I'd get upset about something seemingly small but it was usually that just triggered everything I had been bottling up to come out.......so I got a lot of accusations of 'over-reacting, being over-sensitive(as if I could just not be). Then of course when I was 16 some screwed up things happened at my school involving a girl got shot and my parents got divorced before I had even had time to deal with any of that so I tried pushing that aside to.

I think I have PTSD from the girl getting shot though I did not see it.......no one except the cops that made it into that room witnessed that but it was still traumatizing I suppose but then there is all that crap from my childhood that certainly could have contributed to me getting that disorder as well. Anyways I know it's hard having all those painful memories that just wont go away, it really sucks and some people just don't get it. I mean there are those who would say 'well its in the past so move on from it.' but if one could move on from invasive memories like that then it wouldn't be an issue for them.

When I'm having a "meltdown" that inevitably spirals into me being a quivering puddle of self-loathing, I tend to uncontrollably replay every horrifyingly humiliating, embarrassing, regretful moment in my life. I went through a phase where I was very desperate for approval and was in a relationship with someone who was emotionally and sexually abusive, so there is a lot of "film reel", so to speak. I've gotten better at catching myself and diverting my attention-- though it is a VERY active process to do so. I usually find some sort of tactile stimulation and use that to focus on-- petting my dog, or feeling a rock I keep in a bowl next to my bed for just this purpose. It sounds silly, but it's usually just enough to sort of reset things.

I get intrusive thoughts too, but of things I've seen that I wish I hadn't--don't know if I should get too specific, since a couple of them were quite disturbing. I was 9 when I saw one really horrible thing, and 11 when I overheard someone talking about something horrible, and my imagination kind of ran with it. I wish I could erase these memories somehow.

That's similar to what I was going through.

In my late teen years/early 20's, I jumped from one bed to the next, always with a man who was usually more than two or three times my age, always with a man who had no aspirations than to be a chickenhawk. I'm too old for those men now, and the messed-up thing is that I miss those days when I was younger and more attractive.

My therapist has me wear a rubber band around my wrist, and snap myself every time an intrusive thought enters my mind. Sometimes I'm snapping myself every 30 seconds. I think I may need something more efficient than this practice.

You sound a lot like me. The tactile stuff works for me because I sort of crave tactile stimulation-- I compulsively feel the fabric of clothing in a store, like to roll gravel or sand in my hands, that kind of thing. Find something like that that works for you-- it really does help. Some people do better with more auditory stimulation, a particular sound (bird noises, or something) or genre of music...especially something that you associate with happiness. It's just enough to divert the thought process.

my thoughts always attack me, and I can not stop them I obsess over things from my past all the time.

It's called "stinking thinking" and I was guilty of it too. Usually, dwelling on those thought brought all the emotions with it and the rage would fill my system... then it would pass, leaving me ill and exhausted. That's what it does... when you dwell on it, it's like reliving it all over again each time and it'll make you very physically and mentally sick from it all!

The hard part is training yourself to do something different. My (rather successful) method was to remind myself, "DON'T DWELL ON IT!" and purposefully switch my mind to a favorite NEUTRAL thought/daydream. I have about 3 favorite neutrals... something that won't bring up any powerful emotions and just let you relax... great way to get to sleep too (and stop those swirling out-of-control thoughts!)

Hang in there... and good luck getting away from your horrible family! Try not to let them turn you horrible too!

I can try as hard as I want not to dwell on it.......but in my case once it gets triggered I might even get disoriented so its harder to you know think of anything else. I hate it because every time it starts I am aware of it and fully conscious of my inability to stop it. It would be cool to be able to just switch my mind to something else but it doesn't seem to work that way.

I mean it would be like trying to think happy thoughts while some maniac is throwing knives at you or something and you're trying to dodge it...good luck focusing on something else when flight or fight kicks in or general panic if you cannot do either of those things. I however realize for generalized anxiety it may be different I have more anxiety issues than that though but then again I don't want to assume generalized anxiety is any less severe then ptsd as a general rule or anything either.

Yeah, for a while, they did manage to turn me horrible, in terms of the unhealthy coping mechanisms that I used to keep myself alive during my younger days. I have escaped from that fate successfully, with the help of therapy and 12-step programs.

Both my therapist and my sponsor refer to it as "stinking thinking" as well. Heh, it may as well be an official medical term at this point. ^.^

Last night, I tried prayer, asking my higher power to empty my mind of all distraction for the night so that I could get some rest. I was surprised - that actually did a lot to help. When the thoughts tried to return, I just reminded myself, "God has already taken care of that," and doing that for half an hour until I slept was an incredibly relieving experience for me. I'm going to try this every night for the time being.

I'll do that sometimes too, but I usually tell myself that G-d has a plan for me, and unfortunately it required dealing with some bullying but maybe that was to keep me humble for what I ultimately will be called upon to do.

I wonder if your calling is something related to helping others in similar situations.