I'm a monster. Not the good kind, the bad kind.

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I think that deep down I am evil and a sociopath and truly enjoy being so until someone points out how hateful I've been, which happened last night. Then I spent most of the night crying and couldn't sleep. Alone as usual with no one to talk to and even if I did what would be the point? My parents hate to see me upset about anything and my mother gets really annoyed by my crying, and a doctor will just make me take more drugs or lock me up in the mental ward where I won't have any of the things that DO make me happy and give me a reason to go on. But I am a monster. A bad one, not a good one. The kind that eats innocent children in their sleep and can't stand things like love and friendship and sunshine. I have been a loser my whole life. The only thing I'm really good at is drawing cartoons but now I'm not even sure about that anymore since no one taught me how and I'm not nearly as good at drawing licensed characters (Ooo look how well Suzy draws the Smurfs!) People think I have a photographic memory but I took a test the other day and only scored 4 out of 10. I used to write a lot of stories and illustrate them and make comic strips but now I hardly ever do. I'll never get any of them published and actually have a career, anyway. I'm smart for a 10-year-old maybe (except I can barely do 3rd-grade math), not a 38-year old woman with no job or real friends and is extremely lucky to not be living in a home or with her parents any more. People I know have told me I've come a long way since my diagnosis but I haven't. I'm still a loser and all my hopes and dreams have been crushed and I take it out on the world by posting nasty comments. My life is empty. Worthless. I live in a very boring and isolated town and can't move to somewhere half-decent like almost every other kid I knew. I have nothing to look forward to but being locked up again in the hospital or a home or even prison. When I die people will say how much potential I had, and I ended up wasting it.

I don't know what advice I could give to help the situation, but I wanted to say that you are not a monster or a Sociopath. Sociopaths don't cry at night because they've hurt people or done something wrong, they simply don't care. You obviously do care about your actions and how they affect others, ergo you are not a sociopath.

If you don't live with your parents then that's a start. I don't have a job, or any real friends where I live, but I don't think I'm worthless. I think your feelings of worthlessness may stem from depression. Perhaps you are not having a life that is as fulfilling as you would like, but you aren't a loser. Losers are people who don't even try and it sounds as if you have tried really hard.

When you say you have been posting nasty comments, do you mean online trolling against people you don't know? If you think that you might be putting yourself in a situation where you could be prosecuted then that's a big issue. I don't know the law in Canada regarding such things but in the UK you can be prosecuted for 'malicious communication'. If that is a concern to you then it might be best if you asked for help now from a doctor or therapist before the situation gets any worse.

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time just now.

Stop beating yourself up. Nobody is perfect. That's life. As for your employment problems, there are alternatives. If you have been having trouble finding work as an employee, or doing your cartoons, other illustrations, and writing stories perhaps you should consider alternative forms of self employment. There are many types to choose from.

>> Lawn mowing/yard work/gardening.
>> House cleaning.
>> Errand/shopping service.
>> Wait for service people, so the home owner/renter doesn't have to take time off from work.
>> House/pet sitting.
>> House chores for the elderly/disabled.
>> Handyman.
>> Tutor.
>> Computer maintenance/repair.
>> Website design.
>> Other website based businesses.
>> Paint houses indoor/outdoor.

There are many other self employment opportunities. Your local libraries will have books with lists and descriptions of them, so look into it.

Now, go and do something, and good luck!

Why do you think you are a monster?
I used to feel the way you do, but by examining the things I did, I figured out that I'm actually not such a bad guy... Can you explain to me why you feel that you are a monster? Pm me if you don't want it out in the open, I'd love to be able to help you with it

You aren't a monster. It sounds like you're just overwhelmed with negative feelings and sometimes hurtful comments just slip out. You might be depressed. You could talk to a counselor or someone about this, or if you do not wish to do this, just take care of yourself by not neglecting hygiene ( not that I think you do, you most likely don't.), eating healthy foods, getting 8-10 hours of sleep, getting sunlight every day, and exercise and self-expression help too. These things help to prevent depression and ease some of the negative thoughts and feelings, allowing one to be less overwhelmed and less likely to accidentally lash out at others.

Sweet Pea hugs

^^^ Agreed. If you were really a sociopath you would not care. There is a difference between doing something out of lack of awareness (or during a meltdown) and doing it deliberately. I used to spend a lot of time feeling like I was a monster as well, but then I realized that certain things were not a matter of will or conscious choice, and the only way to prevent them was through gradually learning to avoid the situations where my lack of awareness or sensory issues might end up hurting someone.

As for writing and drawing, it seems like the only people on the spectrum I've heard of who were successful got that way following their interests - and even those who are always poor, but follow their interests, seem better off to me than those who chase after conventional material success. Do what keeps you engaged and makes you happy, because that's where your potential is and that's what is most intrinsically rewarding, and do other things only as much as necessary to maintain some stability... at least, that's what I'm trying to do these days.