Don't know what to do

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I have pretty bad gender dysphoria lately. I don't think transitioning would make it better. I'm pretty sure of that. The issue isn't wanting to be male so much as hating being female. I feel like I make an appalling female in a variety of ways. This has been an issue since I was about 8 years old or so.

I feel like I'm never going to be truly happy because of this. I realise that few people are ever truly happy for a variety of reasons, so it's not like I have it uniquely bad. I do keep having fleeting thoughts about killing myself, which went away for a whole but are now back. Don't worry, I won't do it.

I think what will make me feel better is if someone says something to counteract the talk going on in my head. I keep having thoughts that I'm disgusting, unnatural, an abomination, devilish, a failure at existence and deserve to be smote by whatever deity it is that hates me. I sometimes wish my boyfriend would just leave me because I shouldn't have a partner. I tell him I'm severely f****d up and not a proper woman, yet he won't go away.

I think the talk going on in my head isn't true, but like all intrusive thoughts, I can't control it.

Even when it's not this bad, there's always a sense that I'm not right in this body. I need to stop being so hard on myself because I can't control this and it's not my fault. I get angry at the world for the way gender roles are enforced, but I don't know how valid this anger is. You have other people who get angry at it, which is nice to know, but I wonder if this anger is as futile as being angry at the wind. I feel depressed about it once I suppress the anger.

I guess this is a mental illness. I can't really talk about it offline. I'm still waiting to see a therapist, who hopefully will refer me on to someone who specialises in this stuff. I've been waiting nearly a year. I can't afford private therapy. I'm strong enough to cope because I have been doing so for years. If anyone looks down on me because I don't meet their expectations of what women should be like, I guess it's their problem. You learn to care less of what people think about you as you get older.

I guess this isn't a case of nature itself hating me (though I keep thinking that) but the universal law of life just sucking. I have this illness where I am out of harmony with nature. That is part of the suffering that is everywhere.

I'm posting this because I've only just fully recognised that this is actually a thing. Putting it into words helps me acknowledge it.

I do have to admit I am not really well suited for this particular subject for I have not experienced your situation. But I like nature too, and living in it is the most relaxing environment for me. But one of the things I like about it, what makes it interesting is it's endless variety and changing/adapting and experimentating. Life does follow basic patterns in it's inate drive to continue but you must have seen there are always exceptions and rule breakers so-to-speak. For instance we have grey and red squirrels in abundance, but once in a while you see a black one. I would love to see one up close but never have gotten more then a glimpse for they are furtive. People in their tremendous complexity have a huge ammount of variety. I can almost imagine how difficult it would be to feel out of sync with nature, yet nature made you. So I guess you are what you are, a very different kind of person. Many people can still like you, as your boyfriend's remaining attests.

You are certainly not unnatural, or an abomination or anything like that. You are just someone who feels they cannot conform to society's current idea of what a woman should be. The failing is not yours, but society's. Many women struggle with society's expectations of womanhood, and those negative feelings can be expressed in all sorts of ways including eating disorders, for example.

You are not an appalling woman, you are just you and that is just the person you should be. I hope you get the chance to talk to someone knowledgeable and experienced about this. I'm glad that your boyfriend won't go away, he is clearly a sensible, decent man who realises that you are a proper woman. I am sure that I am very different from you, but we are both proper women nonetheless.

I'm not sure how futile the anger is. It is certainly understandable. If you can channel that anger somewhere, that would be ideal. It is a very brave thing to do to buck society's expectations of 'female', but you seem to have a supportive partner who cares for you just as you are so I think you should just be you, as much as that is possible.

Gender dysphoria is still bad for me.

I wish I lived on a desert island with my partner, sometimes. Then I wouldn't need to feel so guilty about who I am and I would get so angry at people who expect me to want to be more 'female'.

Keep in mind the grass is not always greener on the other side.

There are things about being a woman that are absolutely awesome and I am jealous of.

There are things about being a woman I am thankful I'll never have to deal with.

The same is true for being a male.

There's lots of different ways to be a woman though. My friend is a female cop, she's tough, she doesn't wear skirts, or heels, or shorts above her knees, or have long hair, but she's just as much a woman as someone who wears pink everything and skirts.