Brutal honesty

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, I am new, I don't know where the newbie area is, so since I feel like I'm in a dark place right now, it seems like a great place to post.
warning... my life and thoughts shouldn't be read by anyone. But I am so lonely... I have to try.

(I guess this is where people who find sadness offencive should just walk away... Why do some people feel the need to destroy the person instead... am I not suffering enough?)

I don't know if I have asperger, and I won't go see a psy to know, because I went for post traumatic stress and she told me that my personality, my very identity as a person, is a sickness, and no one would ever want me, not even in therapy.
Surviving that wasn't easy, finding it revolting and getting angry helped. I reported her for abuse, but they told mer her rapport was well done and they had nothing to reproach her... (Hm... how about cruelty? But I guess in this society, calling insane and defective something merely different is the norm... we can't possibly be different to achieve a specific task, with our unique qualities... preposterous! We should be broken and be made just like everyone else! Let's get electrocuted until our brain gets normal and see if that works... People truly believe this!! !! ! And I would be the insane one???)

Dear god by all mean, I'd rather be with the crazies, normal people terrify me so much that I can't even go out of my home...

I keep being misunderstood (I speak french) but it's worst than that. I can't blame it on the way I speak... because I quoted the test results of an IQ test and people found me offensives, calling me an elitist... hahaha, get to know me... I have 2 chronic disease, am almost blind, basically an orphan, can barely walk on days and am a permanent severe invalid... Does this sounds like I think I'm better than anyone? But I have this one tiny thing that I can be proud of... in all the bullyness and harassment and daily dance with death... can I please have that shred of dignity and be proud of myself??? It's just a puzzle game...

I like to get more knowledge... on things I like... I diagnosed my hypoglycemia and low thyroid myself because, even thought I went to the doctor for exhaustion and fainting in the middle of the street... they told me I'm in depression... I said no, I'm tired not sad, I have a great sense of humor (you have to be to survive bullying and pain) and they told me I have a personality disorder, limit histrionic... that means I'm theatrical... great I always wanted to be in a play...

Ridiculous...

I was fainting, I got more and more sick... to the point of barely walking, and then I couldn't breathe...

I found information online... and then a doctor that I manipulated saying that I have people who have it in my family and am starting to have the symptoms "better safe than sorry, please do those two specific tests." I have both chronic diseases... BOTH. I suffered for 7 years for nothing... begging for help and being mocked!

I've been denied medical care because of my personality.
I've even been refused the protection of the police being told that people can't possibly have attacked me the way I described, it's just too much, too awful, so I had to be a junkie or crazy... And if I was a crazy junkie, they still should investigate!! ! But they just laughed and left!! !! !

SO

Yes, I am angry, this is how I am still alive... otherwise I'd cry until I died of dehydration... and yes I'm morbid... I like horror movies, and futurama, and american dad... because if I didn't find a way to laugh at all that pain, at all the horrors I see in society... I'd go more than mad.

So... I was looking online... because talking this way gets me in so much trouble...

Bu to me... information is just information...
There is only true or false information.
Or information that I like more than others, the one I don't like I just walk away, you cannot destroy what is.
Information... just is.
It's not good or evil.
So I don't feel the need to sugar coat it (especially since I'm sugar intolerant)
I like fluff on jokes and affection... but not on information.
Why sugar coat s**t?
It would be like saying in 1+6... that 6 is the number of the devil, so let's decorate it until it looks like an 8.... the result are going to be wrong... and there is nothing more unpleasant than false information... You can't choose properly...
Like when I read "sugar is bad for you, use it sparingly" I was like... "tch, let's eat it... It can't be that bad, I can't at that much... how much is sparingly anyway"
But when I read that I had symptoms of sugar intolerance, and got hypoglycemia... and that it can cause depression, dizziness, head ache, blur vision, seizures, hallucinations... and you can FREAKING DIE.
I took it seriously... I banned sugar... I finally stopped many of my sufferings...
I didn't like reading that, it scared me, got me angry... never eating sugar for the rest of my life!! !??? Giving up the things I love!?
But it saved my life... that cruelty was the greatest gift... and the only way I got it is by seeing it in all it's raw truth...

People aren't like that... they have taboos... they sugar coat, they lie, they manipulate... I can't bear hypocrisies... maybe because my mom smiled to guests only to turn to me when they left with anger and hate... calling me names instead to clearly tell me what she expected of me... I just learn that she just wanted to free her stress and frustrations and it had nothing to do with me... she asked me to be nice and polite but it only made me look like a nice easy victim, so sometimes I have to bite before I get eaten alive... but people think I should just say thank you and endure... that's more lady like to get raped and cry, than to punch the guy... Seriously???? A therapist told me to never defend myself and ask politely... the guy dragged me by the hairs, he laughed when I asked nicely, he got scared when I got pissed off and yelled between my teeth on he verge of jumping on him like a rabid animal.

It is necessary... but people think it's wrong in every contexts to be not nice... that I should just hide the bad as if I should be ashamed... I'm not the one who should... it's that guy. s**t like that are a part of life... why hide them? He didn't get any, it ended well. I'm proud hat I scared the hell out of that jerk.

But people don't like that... we should never say a word higher than another, only talk about fluffy things... the rain is evil and taboo...

I love the rain...

The person I admired the most was brutally honest... even evil, but he'd never bully, he always had a point, helping people figure out why they are stupid and to stop, instead to mock them that they are... It was art... I craved finding someone like that...

I checked online...

And I found a thread here about "Constant fear of having offended people"

I found that it may be an asperger trait to need raw data... I scored 32, which was twice the normal... even though I have no problem reading people's emotions... but the taboos... the lies that people want to hear... I don't understand why people want to live the head in clouds, reality is made of lies... fake breasts, fake eye color, make up, fake hair color...

I don't understand why everyone force everyone to be like everyone else... trying to be who we aren't, choosing a mate that isn't compatible because people claim it's the best...

Can't people look inside and see who they are, see what they need?

I guess it's an introvert thing... I don't know much about autism, what I see in the media is kids unable to look at someone (when I read all their cruel feelings, I understand why!) and just grunt for speech (well, they can't have their thoughts and feelings judged... how clever...) but when I saw the thread... and read online... I think what I know is wrong... I'd like to know more about them... I think I can finally share raw data with people and understand each other...

It's not us who are wrong, we're just different... we're a minority... but isn't people who want to live in denial and pink lies just as crazy? Maybe more? Long ago introverts were look at as healers, as wise men... now it's a disease, a mental illness? Why can't hey look at the good we have to offer... and appreciate it...

Now extrovert doctors who aren't highly sensitive, instead to eel sympathy and take the time to understand their patients, treat them like numbers, instead o dig to find the answer and the source of the problem to cure it... they give pills that cause more problems and doesn't even ease the symptoms, hen more pills to counter the side effects... 10 pills for life instead of a cur changing destructive habits (like allergies), it's good for their bank account so it has to be good for the whole world... How horribly wrong...

And I see this everyday... our caring healers, our wise men... be mocked, bullied, excluded from the very rights given to all humans by law, excluded from life itself... denied things like acceptance, love, friendship, family, friends... dignity... drugged tortured locked up...

Just for being good at something else...

How... can I possibly bear all this... I see all this even with my eyes closed... I can't even share my thoughts without being rejected, people don't want to know... hey don't even want to know that their bad habits is causing their pain, I got yelled at hysterically by alcoholics who drank until they passed out, asking me themselves why hey were so sick... people don't want to change, want nothing to change, but want different results... hey don't want the down side of things... bu that's not how life works... You can't choose the greatest fun (which is balanced by the greatest pain) and wonder what is happening when you see the other side of the medal... I gave up big up, to be free of big downs... And now my blood sugar is finally stable and bearable...

It,s just raw data, it's just how things are, the law of the universe of cause and consequence...

People try to go against them... people think they are above nature, made of it and fed by it, and are gods... We're just humans... all of us... with flaws and with talents... just different ones...

I know it's easier to focus on he wrongs, to put down others instead to try to improve...

But how do I survive in a world like this...

If I could just find a place... where I am allowed to speak... instead to be forced to only talk about puppies with a big smile on my face...

I need a place with my kin... I suffocate out there.

I am sorry... this is my life... this is my thoughts... this is me...
What is is what is...
I don't wan to dwell in sadness all the time... I want to be happy.
But it will come out soon or later.
Can I be accepted here?
I hope I didn't offend anyone...
I probably said a lot of ignorant things but I am here to learn more about asperger.
And if my life is different, if I have different needs, different preferences... different IQ, it doesn't make yours wrong... nor do they make mine...
It's just variety...
Thanks.


(I'm sorry... I thought of showing my colors sooner than later to get it over with. If you don't want me around, it breaks my heart, but I understand...)

Hi, I've read your long post, and think I'll need to read it again to take it all in, but just wanted to say welcome, you are not alone, and you may well have found your way to your Right Planet!

You sure have a lot of issues. Welcome to Wrong Planet.