Sad and melancholy

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This is just a rant because I can't write it on my blog (don't want my friends to see I'm depressed) or tell anyone (same reason).

At the end of the year I'll be graduating, which means moving to a new job somewhere else in the country. During the year my brother who still lives at home, and was possibly the only one who ever actually understood me, had got a girlfriend therefore making our friendship slightly obsolete. My mum has finished her job but instead of taking one somewhere else in the country she's decided to work from home, which means a lot has changed now back at my parents house.

I'm living in a freezing cold house with the most annoying housemates (read my previous posts) and now a squatter who's friends with the less annoying housemate who will not move out and lives in our lounge room. I'm losing focus on my post grad project which means I procrastinate a lot which makes me so mad at myself but I just can't focus (and I used to be a really focused person!). It takes me 1 hour from home to uni and when I get home I cook, eat, work on my project, go to sleep, get up and do it all again.

I was going to go on a holiday overseas with my brother at the end of the year who now doesn't want to because he wants to find a job, I was then going to go overseas or something by myself but my mum told me not to because "we might want to do something together." My mum was going to have a weekend with both of us in *random city - I try to preserve my identity online* when she finished her job, but rang up today to say she would wait until my brother got a job (in which case by then I could be anywhere working around the country). I asked my mum to do a bushwalking track with me at the end of the year that she asked to do with me a few years ago, but in the previous mentioned phone conversation she declined saying she wasn't fit enough and I should find someone else to go (but I can't go myself apparently). I was going to go with my brother to a music festival also, so I got tickets and he took to long to get them and they sold out (despite me saying to get them because they're selling out) so now I'm going by myself. If I mention travelling at the end of the year (overseas or interstate) alone my parents go all weird and start saying that I should just wait before I make a decision.

My dad also asked me to come home as soon as I finish my degree, but I said all my friends are where I live so I don't know what to do. Dad then talked to me yesterday on the phone sarcastically saying "ooh you should just stay in *city where I live* until your lease runs out (Feb next year) then move, that way you can finish your degree and party on!!" (literally used those words). I said I don't want to because then the squatter will get free rent (the squatter who I've tried to give my room to but he refuses to sign the lease so I can't move out and give him my room, and he just lives on the couch with free rent in the mean time, he's been there since 3 weeks ago), then dad said "exactly! So he gets to live on the couch and you pay for his rent while depriving him of a room haha!"

Also I caught up with some friends for a party the other night who I used to be very close to but haven't seen for ages. I used to love hanging out with them but the other night all they did was get completely drunk and try to get with all the guys (successfully I admit) and I was left feeling awkward but everytime I tried to go home they would feel sorry for me and give me heaps of attention for 2 minutes then run away with their guys. I felt terrible.

It seems the only person I can depend on is myself, but when I try and do things alone people butt in and try to influence my actions. Why can't people just leave me alone?

The 'typicals always want to know your intentions, I suppose so they can walk all over them. I've taken to planning the things I want to do, like take a trip, in secret then announcing my plans only after my route is planned and the hotels reserved. Too many times had I let someone else take charge of my desires only to wind up disappointed and resentful, with them going 'what?'. Pretty much if I had to count on someone else I'd rather it be another aspie

But on a side note I can really relate to having focus fly out the window when unnerving people are present. I can only get it back once they leave, which they never do for long enough

I hate having to count on others especially NTs, and I hate saying that because 99% of my friends are NTs with the other 1% being possible aspies that may or may not be because they haven't said. I do like NTs but they can be infuriating. The last few trips I've done have been successful because I have planned them out and THEN told people about them. For instance, I went on a fishing trip and my mum rang up while I was half way there just to say hi, and was confused when I told her where I was and what I was doing. My parents get very flustered when I do things alone because they think I'm lonely and have no friends, which is not the case (alone =/ lonely).

I must say I've gotten a bit of flak for some of my plans. The popular one is how do I know someone's not going to rob me or kill me? I actually had this debate about 6 months ago when I was on my way to meet another musician at the practice place. Even after playing umpteen shows with a half dozen groups.
Whenever my parents told me about some kind of treat I was going to get, half the time or more something would happen to get the treat taken away before I had it. From those instances and others I learned not to jinx my opportunities by talking about them

Sweet Pea hugs

Seriously 2wheels, I could've written that post myself! I know exactly what you mean about people saying you'll get robbed or attacked! I often go places alone because I like the peace and quiet; whether it's a road trip, fishing, a walk etc, the pub, and my parents and some friends when they find out get really worried cause they think I'll get lost or attacked by men in some way of form, being a young girl. Just cause I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't do anything alone. Sheesh. My mum used to go on business trips alone and go to pubs and my dad used to travel around the country in a Combi van so what's the big deal?

And yes, jinxing happens. I was always paranoid that by the time I got something there'd be something wrong with it. My first guitar I got when I was 11 and dad bought it while I was at school so I was worried all day that I'd get home and he'd forgotten it/it was broken etc. Have you ever had any of your gear robbed? I've been pretty lucky with music gear I have to say. My guitar is so old and heavy no one'd be able to steal it without me knowing!

Thanks for the hug Cockney

I've lost a couple of pedals, a 4-track and a few microphones. Other than that I have seller's remorse for a few pieces, a Carvin amp being the one I kick myself the most over.

Old and heavy; has to be a Les Paul. I'm a Rickenbacker guy myself though the only item even close that I have is a bass made by Ibanez Oh no, abort monologue! Abort monologue!

But yes, my family can express the most irrational concerns for my safety sometimes, this after I've made 4 solo long distance trips on the most dangerous mode of transport and came back without a scratch on me each time. The accidents are for when I'm safe at home I suppose

I used to have a cheap Les Paul copy, unfortunately not an actual one cause I didn't have enough money at the time, but nope, it's a Fender Jazz bass! Why aborting the monologue? Tell me more about your Rickenbacker sounding Ibanez! I bought an Ibanez once but hated the sound of it so took it back to the shop. I now have a Washburn electric, Fender dreadnaught acoustic, and Fender J bass...all 3 sound amazing

I should go and buy a 4 track one day. What are Carvin amps like?

Irrational families...sheesh...facepalm.