How do I stop worrying????????????
14 Sep 2012, 9:22 am
I keep worrying about the future. I know I should be living day by day, but the present isn't too good either, and I know that the future is to come and that these things what I am worrying about will happen one day.
If this is too long to read, just skip to the parts that you can relate to.
The very far future (retirement and old age)
1. I know this is in years to come yet, but I'm worrying about being old and being unable to retire (because they keep raising the retirement age). Alzheimer's runs in my family severely, and what will happen to me (and others) who get these disabling diseases? What if the government cut back care homes, so there'd be no-one to look after me, and that I'd be left to die alone? I don't plan to have kids (because there's a higher risk of mine being Autistic, and I can't bear the responsibility anyway), and I may never be able to hold a steady relationship (which is common nowadays anyway, most NT youngsters who I know can't seem to hold a steady relationship, so God knows what state I'm going to end up in).
Being socially awkward
2. What if I never learn to accept being odd? I don't like being odd, and I thought I was able to hide my AS and appear relatively normal around people, but now I'm having my doubts. I feel people can suss me out easily, and guess that I have obsessions without even bringing them up, or that I am anxious in social situations, or that I'm just a bit odd in other ways. The other day my friend said, ''...that's what confuses me about you'', and I think she was just joking and didn't mean it in an offensive way or even personally, but because I have low self-esteem, I think she thinks I'm a bit odd. I don't like appearing odd to others, in appearance or behaviour. I fear humiliation and rejection, and appearing odd to others can lead to plenty of humiliation and rejection. I just wish people didn't have to be so shallow-minded. The ones that are more acceptant of neurodiversity are very few and far between, since the majority of NTs get too swallowed up in conforming and expect everybody to be this certain way, which is frightening when you suffer with AS (likely to say or do stupid things) AND social phobia (FEAR of saying or doing stupid things).
Finding and keeping a job
3. Employment is also worrying me. The UK seems to be having a never-ending recession, and apparently no job is safe. That is very off-putting, because I've been on job-seekers allowance for over 4 years now, and have been actively seeking employment, but haven't gotten anywhere, even after doing a lot to gain skills and experience, like taking courses, doing work experience, doing voluntary work, and seeking extra help from the jobcentre. But I still don't have a hope in hell, and when I do finally land a job, I have this crazy feeling that the company I'm working for is suddenly going to go out of business or be cut back by the government, and I will be thrown back on the dole again, back to square 1. I know this is a worry for everyone, but I have more limitations than the average person so I have more difficulties with getting a job, and also I have a feeling it might set me back too, and make me feel even more anxious. In my local town I have sent a few CVs out to a few places, and all those places where I could have got a job in have all closed down, so even if I did get a job in one of them, I would be back on the dole by now anyway. What good is that?
Family and relationships
4. I do want a man, but I think my standards are too high. I do fancy a few people, but they are all unable to date me because I find out that they're married. Then when I get men asking me out, I find they aren't my type. I've tried dating sites but I found it wasn't for me, and I didn't really know who I was talking to. I'm not that desperate for a relationship at the moment, but I do want to get married some day, with the man I really love. Another thing what's keeping me from wanting a relationship is distrusting people. I hear of so many domestic murders, where men suddenly turn on their wives and even children, having a crazy moment where they're suddenly stabbing their wife or kids to death, after months or even years of having an ordinary relationship. I feel I don't know anyone these days, and that people can be so weird it frightens me.
Also, I keep worrying about my family getting old and dying. My cousins are all extroverted NTs and all have a much better chance of making friends and finding partners than I do, and I know that in 10 years time I probably won't see any of them, and I prefer to be with my older relatives anyway (my mum's generation), but most of them are, like 20 or 30 years older than me and (I hate to say it) there is going to come a time where they will be getting old and ill and then passing away, and I might be left with nothing, just to live in this big wide world alone.
What's going to become of me?
5. I keep worrying about what will become of me. I have a feeling I will be living at home for the rest of my life, because a) I can't afford to move out, and b) I don't really want to live entirely on my own, I would like to share either with a really trusting close friend, or a partner. But none of my friends (I don't have many anyway) intend to want to live with me, and I doubt I'm getting to find a man to suddenly move in with yet, and I really don't know what will become of me. I'm incredibly unconfident, hate myself, extremely self-conscious to the point where I avoid social situations, not very intelligent (not the sort of Aspie to be able to focus on gaining a well-paid career out of a special interest and live happily ever after), afraid of teenagers and toddlers, and there are so many small things that bother me, like loud sudden noises, routine changes, and things like getting all upset if somebody stares at me in public.
Thanks for reading, I really wanted to get that off my chest, or see if there are any hidden answers or solutions that might make me feel better, or if anybody can relate and share their opinions and anxieties. Maybe these situations are bigger than they are because I have anxiety issues, which hopefully is the case. Hopefully these situations won't be a sure as they sound.
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