Redundant crap

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Surprise, surprise here I come to vent yet again sorry for the redundancy.

Anyways I am just feeling really worthless and useless, alienated, detached, angry, frustrated, stressed, anxious and on edge...about life in general. I am afraid to even spend time with close friends or family because I feel like I just bring people down by feeling this way. I mean when people want to spend time together and have a good time they don't want someone who cannot enjoy them self around. I don't want to be the wet blanket dampening everyone's good mood....and I am not very good at suppressing how I feel and pretending to be enjoying myself it seems not to mention that is even more exhausting than just feeling how I feel. I cannot really take the loneliness of isolating myself either though.

Also I desperately need/want income of some kind, for all the college loan debt I owe, a credit card bill and some stupid fee a college I went to charged me for leaving the dorms early(well sorry it wasn't legal to stay in the dorms while not attending class and I didn't have 400 dollars) and you know to live on. Essentially I am financially screwed and I have not even managed to move out of my moms place yet or even really start any kind of life which really does not help matters. I tried looking for job applications online and just got frusterated by all the expectations jobs have that I cannot live up to........I mean even a site for an animal shelter I looked up said 'fast paced' and I really don't see how I am supposed to keep up. There is still SSI but I guess I feel like people are going to judge me negatively and accuse me of being some freeloader, burden on tax payers and I admit I don't know if I could handle that sort of stigma without becoming even more suicidal.

So yeah I just don't see what to do.......not to mention how would I even work if I'm all on edge and so depressed I'm physically sore and to top it off I live in this unhealthy, harsh, unforgiving society. I mean why even live? I guess I don't want to hurt people by offing myself but seriously if I cannot survive in this world without being in constant misery what's even the point. I am unfit for this society, yet I cant even come up with an alternative other than being stuck in it and unhappy about it I want nothing more than to be in peace away from it...you know away from all the negativity of society but apparently there is no real way to do that unless you have the money to go buy some isolated land or something.

You could settle for an isolated house and a stay at home job instead of an island.

Being real, a lot of people work at those same jobs and aren't qualified yet are considered good employees. At my former job, anyone who came in on time everyday and wasn't texting on their iphone at work was a great employee.

I don't think you should set your standards low, but I don't think you should give up before you try either. SSI is an idea, and screw what others think of it.

Staying at home in an isolated house sounds kinda depressing as well...and I don't really know of any stay at home jobs I could do to save up the money to get a place of my own. But yeah I wish I could just say screw what others think of it, but it typically does effect me I actually hate being sensitive to crap like that.

It seems to me you're in such a deep rut that you're in no shape to work. I think you need to take care of yourself first but then you actually have to do it. I think the first thing to do is get you some money first. Just apply for disability and apply for welfare in the meantime. If you have to, you have to, don't worry about people judging you. You don't even have to tell anyone.

Still waiting on that appointment in a couple weeks, I have to call in a bit to see when exactly it is because I forgot and lost the paper that I had it written on if I can bring myself to call. And first I have to go through the grueling process of applying, getting denied, appealing it and all that before I see a cent and there is no guarantee of being approved anyways. But yeah I was going to apply for SSI which is basically welfare other then that I don't qualify for food stamps or probably any other help since I live at my moms house and her income is too high even though her income does not really do me much good.

and I wish I could stop worrying about people judging me but I can't seem to...I cant exactly keep it a secret either since I need help with money for transportation and appointments and all that. I also owe like 200 on my credit card 25$ this month, hopefully less minimum the following months because if not then I'm screwed even sooner with whatever I'll owe for not being able to pay the bill so I am kind of freaking out about that to. The plan was my dad was going to help since we had discussed it already, but he recently went to jail so, so much for that and now if I ask help from anyone else they'll probably imply I shouldn't have been so stupid or whatever.