AS Husband & My Birthday

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I'm an Aspie who's married to an Aspie. Tomorrow is my birthday. I like to do creative things for people to express my love for them, and in turn, I feel loved when someone does something creative, or thoughtful to express love to me. I've explained this to my husband, and have pointed out examples from the past when he did things that made me feel special (not on birthday's, mostly just example's from when we were dating and he still tried). Every year, when my birthday rolls around, my husband does absolutely nothing for me. Some years I try to do something for myself (I'm pretty alone in the world right now aside from my husband), other years I'm too depressed and lacking the motivation to even try to cheer myself up. I've tried telling him exactly what I want to do for my birthday, which he'll follow through with, but at the end of the day I still feel sad because he didn't put any thought into it what so ever. Essentially, it feel's exactly like any other day that involved us leaving the house and doing something. Last year after my depressing birthday ended, I told my husband exactly what I wished he had done, in great detail. Than when his birthday came, I went out of my way to make sure he understood that all of the things that myself and others were doing to make him feel special did not happen by accident, but that we all did them on purpose because we knew that he liked them.

Anyway...he asked me last week if we should do any birthday celebrating over the weekend, instead of on my actual birthday (because it's a week day and he has to work all day) and I agree'd that would be ideal. Well...we're running out of weekend, and I don't exactly get the impression that my husband has any surprises up his sleeve. Based on past experience, I'm not expecting anything.

I'm going to do my best to make the most of my actual birthday tomorrow. I'm making a list of things that I'm going to force myself to do, things that I can do for myself to feel a little bit special, like go out and order my favorite lunch and a slice of cake. Maybe put on some party music - which I would never listen to otherwise. Try to think about things that I am grateful for. Stuff like that. It sound's depressing, but less so than if I didn't even try...I guess. Maybe I'll ask my husband to go out to dinner with me. Maybe not. I kind of don't really feel like being around him right now.

I'm trying to remind myself that while my husband is insensitive on my birthday, I'm insensitive towards him during other times. I guess I just can't get past the fact that I do everything in my power to at least *try* to behave better, and I'm fairly certain that I am improving. I feel like he doesn't even try though, which makes me feel like he doesn't care. Somewhere in my head I know that he cares, it's just really hard to believe it when I can't see any evidence.

Anyway...I just wanted to vent about that. I guess if anyone has any suggestions that they think would help, I would love to hear them.

He's obviously not gonna do it on his own. Give him a list of things you want done. I know you want him to be creative and all that, but it's clear that creative celebration is not his forte. I understand how you feel though. I'd like someone to do something nice for me when my birthday comes around. Usually I just get a pre-fab cake and, if I'm lucky, Red Robin. Birthdays are not important to the people I live with, and bringing it up does no good.

Of course, my family is NTs. They just don't want to be bothered. You mentioned your husband is an aspie. I get the impression that he isn't trying to be insensitive, he's probably just a bit dense when it comes to that sort of thing. Which is not an uncommon trait amongst us. Of course, that's just speculative on my part.

I agree. I don't get birthdays when it's other people so please tell me. I mean tell him what you want done. Does he like surprises and if not he would probably not know how to best surprise someone.

The birthday issue is problematic for us too. I would LOVE to throw my husband a huge party, cook him a gourmet meal, and shower him with gifts. The problem is, his birthday comes at one of the worst times of the year--right after Christmas and my 2 other childrens' birthdays. We're dead-broke and I'm all partied out.

I thought grown-ups were over this birthday fever, but he'll sulk for weeks if I let it go with only a card and a cake again. He actually came out and told me that he'll know I don't love him if I let him down again.

When my husband and I first started dating, all I received was a breezy "Happy Birthday". Not even a card. What has worked best for us is directly stating what we'd like for upcoming occasions. Hinting and indirect references don't always work. Not the most romantic, given, but it's worked for ten years now.
If the surprises and creativity aren't his forte, is there something that he does day to day to make you feel special? Maybe there might be less weight on having one perfect day.