STUCK! at least feeling that way...

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So here I am, age 35, more than 40 jobs under my belt, around $50k in college loans with no degrees, unemployed....

What the hell do I do with myself!? I'm so flipping depressed about my situation I can't make myself do anything to improve it, let alone even think of ways I can improve it.

Also I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic home, became ward of the State at age 9, didn't ever have a 'family' or a 'home'... now I've lived in the same apartment for the past 4 years and it's starting to feel like home, and I have my hubby who I love so much and he loves me too....

And it feels so far away, like it's the silver lining of a massive thunderstorm that just won't end!

All I see when I talk about it is: go to counseling

Ugh... I've been in counseling of some sort all of my life, inpatient psych as a kid too! They all just want me to 'change my thinking' 'see things from a different perspective' and I want to scream 'but reality is LIKE THIS!' how can I lie to myself to feel better? How can an Aspie LIE TO THEMSELVES! Isn't that why counseling doesn't work?

Every option I come up with to improve my situation (which isn't bad, I just can't work or bring myself to get another sh***y, minimum-wage job because my relationship to my hubby is at risk-- it doesn't exist when I'm working full-time because I'm too stressed to have any energy left for him ) is a dead-end.

What do you do if everything you can think of is blocked by something you can't do or lack resources for or people who could help you but expect something else?

I'm pissed off that I can't hold down a full-time job that pays me anything remotely good to live on AND tend to my relationship, physical and emotional well-being.... I'm mad that I am considered 'giving up' or whatever to even apply for benefits even though my neuropsych report puts me in the 0.2 percentile for functioning as an adult at my age, education level and work history. that's ZERO POINT TWO ! !! ! (Adaptive Behavior Scale rating) So I'm a genius functioning at the lowest possible level for my age/education (some college).

I'm sorry this is mostly a rant... but what on this God's green Earth am I to do with myself?

Yeah I'm as tired of complaining as you all are of reading these threads... or ignoring them, which is better

Sweet Pea hugs