I'm getting more and more lost can someone please help me!!

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I just need to find the way out I am getting so stuck in a world I hate. I hate every bit so very, very much. I want to find who I used to be again in all the madness this year has brought me. My mum wants me to see two psychologist's now and I just can't do it. I hate upsetting people, I can't tell them everything because I can't speak it out loud but I want it to be better, I want to feel better. I have so little self-confidence that a change in my special interest is giving me severe headaches and causing a lot of anxiety. I actually think stress and anxiety might be the cause of my interest lack since on non-stressful days it seems to come back. I can't cope with that happening I have friends who only know me as being interested in one thing- the rest of my friends have known me all my life and know thats what I do. I'm scared of becoming the freak again, of becoming the one nobody cares about, who is insulted and treated like disease. 
I feel over this last year- even though I've lived with aspergers as long as I can remember- that I really get what this means. Aspergers can't be controlled by medication so life becomes normal like as in all my other medical conditions. This is me, forever a nervous wreck a person who can become interested in something they normally hate. I am the awkward one who will never quite be normal, never quite understand. 
I want to see there is actually a reason for all of this -all my life it has been misfortune and hospitals and hatred. I have never done anything on my own that I have been proud of. Everything that is me is part of my special interest at the time. I want to be ME I want to be like the rest, I want to be normal. I hate what and who I am but I can't get out of the cycle and I can't talk to people. I don't know what I am suposed to be even talking to my best friend has become impossible I haven't had a real conversation with her since Easter. I need to feel like there is something. There is something that I am useful for , I have no purpose. How can I get away from this!! ! I really need help, is there a way out??

Sweet Pea hugs

What you describe sounds very much like myself when I was your age. It is difficult to adjust to being what you are, when that is so very different from everyone else around you. It took me until I was 25 and living alone to even begin to come to terms with myself as an individual. Living at home was a disaster. The important thing is for you not to become totally discouraged, but to continue to allow yourself to experience different things and to learn what you like to do and can do and what you can't. Sometimes this can take quite a long while. You are what you are, an individual, with your own set of likes and dislikes, and abilities. We cannot expect to always be like other people. We aren't. That's the issue with A.S. We are different and always will be.

Why are we the way we are? That I cannot answer, but I can tell you that it does have some positive aspects. It took me almost 60 years to learn this though. A.S. has forced me to accept that I am not like other people, but it has given me the ability to look at many things in this world from a different perspective. I have now learned how to channel this ability into my writing.

The ability of A.S. folks to focus on one specific topic can be a real asset in school as well. That can be a big help in college especially. Take a few steps back and look at yourself. Don't always compare yourself to others. Ask yourself what do I really want to do, or to be? Find your passion and then find ways to achieve it. If possible, try to find a mentor, someone who can help you. They are out there, if you look hard enough.