scared of moving

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so.... i decided to move to another country (from Canada to England). this has been a carefully planned decision,which i first considered about 9 years ago then re-examined last year. i have always been quite obsessed with the country's culture and landscapes and history, and i have family that originated there. i have a boyfriend and other friends over there, and i hope to find family too.

when i turned 39 last year, i had a bit of a crisis. my mom had committed suicide 6 months before. and my dad suffered his first major heart attack in my presence when he was age 39, and he eventually died of heart disease only 2.5 years before my mom. most of the people in my family are not long-lived. i have been suffering health problems over the last while, so i guess i started to feel like i need to make life changes and follow my dreams now rather than later... because in a few years, who knows what my physical health status will be like.

so, the hard part is that my daughter can't move with me at this time. she is 18 years old and just started university, so she has obligations here. we can't afford to pay for her to study in England instead, either. she plans to complete a Master's degree in the UK somewhere (she is more obsessed than me with the area), but that is 4 years away.

for 18 years, my life really revolved around her. every decision i made was intended to be in her best interests. i sacrificed greatly for her, like most parents do. she was the centre of my world. people always commented on how attached i was to her, and what a close family we were.

my decision to move is very selfish, and i am struggling with that. it is primarily for me. sure, my daughter would benefit from being able to visit (if i didn't live there she couldn't afford to travel there very often, and i will be able to help her get set up for her master's degree). ultimately, she would rather that i would stay in Canada than move. i have told her that if she has too much trouble coping, i could move back (after a few months or a year as i want to give this a fair shot. also, i'd have to try to convince my boyfriend to move back to Canada with me). we will see each other maybe 2 to 4 times per year.

now, if she was going far away to university or moving cities for a new job or somesuch we'd be in a similar situation right now; she'd be far away and i'd only see her a few times a year. but this feels different because it is me moving away from her.

has anyone else had the experience of moving far away, or having a family member move far away? how did you cope with it?

We've moved 'abroad' leaving our son and my brother in the UK. Our son doesn't want to move here, but solo life in the UK is proving stressful and expensive for him, and it isn't easy for us to help him at this distance. But if we'd remained in the UK life would be more expensive for us, and we'd have to live in a cheaper part of the country than him anyway. Physically we are no great distance from him, but of course ferries are expensive as a means of travel.

It seems to be that the UK is becoming quite a nasty place to live if you have health issues. Social security cuts are hurting many, while the government rhetoric against those who (need to) live on benefits seems to be contributing to a more negative attitude against the disabled among some sectors of the working population. I guess this impacts more in some areas than in others. So what I'd always say is be careful where you choose to live, and make sure you have a job to go to. I'm sure those currently living in the UK will comment on whether I am portraying the UK situation fairly. I am sometimes homesick, but at the same time I know that I could never have my current quality of life if I had stayed there.

A hugely deep subject for me as well.
Hope it's o.k. I've sent you a PM about this.

I did move abroad. Left everything and everyone behind. It was hard for them, not for me. But with internet and mail, we survived and it was the best thing I have done in my life.

If you feel you need to do something, do it. Doubts are natural. You would worry about your daughter at dorms too.
No reason to blame yourself, it is not selfishness at all. It is YOUR life and you need to live it satisfactorily. You won't help your daughter in any way by torturing yourself, so don't! Enjoy England instead. And share it with her, if you have such close relationship, this experience will make it even stronger

For whatever reasons, it sounds like Canada isn't as home as it used to be, and your daughter going away to uni intensifies this. It's probably in your interest to figure out where home is.

If you've been afraid to ask your daughter if she would feel abandoned or something, you probably owe it to both of you to just ask her.

If it still works out, I hope you have a safe trip.

I once lived above the Mason Dixon line for almost a year. It was horrible to me. However, that does not mean England will be bad for you.

You deserve some happiness. Kids want us to stay the same, always, because thats just what they want. Would you stay in an unhappy marriage because she wanted you to? Would you advise anyone else to do that for their kids? OK then. You aren't happy being "married to" or "living with" Canada. Go where you want to.

Life, the basic part of life, to me, is adventure. Otherwise, without adventure, you might as well already be dead. Go for it girl!

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Sweet Pea hugs

Micks gonna come visit you!

Bring me with you Mick!

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

thanks aSKperger - that was very encouraging! it is interesting to read your experience, that you found it was hard for family but not for you. when my sister moved across the country, she mentioned that it made it easier to think she was moving towards something as opposed to away from something. i do hope we will have a stronger relationship.

AngelKnight - yeah i have asked my daughter straight up how she feels. she was excited at first, then she was ok, now she is getting sad. she said that given the choice, she would rather have me stay in canada. but she can't live with being my "reason to stay" either. it is SO interesting that you picked up on the problems i have with finding a "home". i once wrote a whole essay/story about it because it is a big struggle for me. as i have gotten older, the feeling of not being at home (wherever i am) gets worse.

OliveOilMom, i think you are very much correct. kids want us to stay as we were before, especially when they are having transitions of their own.

i stayed in the house with her and my ex-husband for a year and a half just to give her stability for when she finished high school and started university. we got along ok-ish, but it was not easy in the slightest. one of the things that got me through that period was the knowledge that i was going to be going overseas to fulfil my dream (not that i think England is the most wonderful place on earth, it's just where i want to be).

she would like for me to stay in Canada, but my options are actually not great. it looks fairly likely that i can get a better job in England than here, and the cost of living is less in Manchester than in the Canadian cities i would want to go to. thanks for the positive words!

CockneyRebel, thank you!! !! i will post pictures on WrongPlanet when i go.

Although I know you are really having a hard time leaving your daughter and that she is sad about you leaving too, I think there are some major positives to this for her in the long term.

The fact that you are leaving, and university is starting, will force her to become more independent. In the long term, this is a good thing, because the sooner she gets those skills down, the better off she will be. It's important that she learn to take care of herself, and this is a great opportunity for her to do that now (even if, to both of you, it doesn't seem that way). Certainly it is much better than her learning these skills 4 years later, and struggling with her first job or her masters degree at the same time. Undergrad is less demanding, especially the first year, which will give her time to sort herself out, develop better organisational and time managment skills, and hopefully get her used to living on her own or in a sharehouse and the responsiblities that go with all of it.

If anything were to happen - I assume your ex-husband still lives in Canada?
If something bad were to happen, I would think that you would fly back to Canada, even temporaily, in order to arrange a solution.

This might be one of the things that she will be glad about when she is older and thank you for.
And I'm sure she wants to see you happy also - that is probably more important to her than you staying for her sake.

I wish you luck obtaining a job that suits ... There are a lot of folk already in the UK struggling to get jobs because there aren't enough around. I trust you have figured out all the appropriate visas etc to allow you to work. You might want to look into private tutoring in terms of work ... I fear finding a job as a supply teacher when you have not trained here might be difficult, especially as you have had a break from work. Private tutoring would provide a lot of flexibility and you'd be more in control though you'd need to fully understand the exam system/requirements here.

Good Luck! I hope it all works out and I think that although you feel selfish moving without your daughter, that as the other posters have said it will be good for you both.

^^^that's a good point about private tutoring, YellowBanana - i think i could benefit from that. i have had a mixed response about supply teaching over there. the lack of recent experience is definitely a red flag, but many schools are struggling to fill their supply needs. so there are possibilities, but it is probably harder for me that for a freshly minted teacher or one with recent experience. we have a bunch of English teaching agencies that come to job fairs to recruit Canadian teachers, especially from my province.

i have office work and retail experience to fall back on if necessary. and it very likely may be necessary. i have done many sorts of jobs, and now perhaps i'll need to reach into my bag of tricks.

and thank you so much for your encouragement!

Am I right in thinking that you'll be in the North West area or West Midlands?

in Manchester, woot!