Possible depression, need to vent

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I don't know why I'm posting this... I don't expect anyone to have the answers for me; I guess I just need to vent.

I'm in a very bad place mentally and emotionally right now. At my best, I feel uncomfortable, like I'm in a dream where everything feels foreboding and a little off. At my worst, I feel so overwhelmed that all I can do is cry.

I have lost my passion for things that I once obsessed intensely over. It hurts me very much because I still love them and want to be excited over them like I used to be. I used to think that I was just upset because of losing a special interest, but I'm beginning to think that maybe it's a symptom of mental illness rather than a cause. Looking back over the past several months, I can see a pattern where the times when I feel most disconnected from my interest is when something bad is happening in my life.

I don't see the point in taking care of my body anymore (I never brush my teeth or shave, and the only reason I still shower is because the hot water feels good on my skin). I don't see the point in getting up everyday, so I stay up as late as possible and sleep in till the afternoon. I rarely ever leave the house and when I do, it either leads to an anxiety attack or a meltdown after I come home.

My once very close and loving relationship with my mom is suffering because of my moods. While we never outright argue, I frequently get involved with miscommunications with her, and today she admitted that she is frustrated with me because she doesn't understand the way my mind is working right now. She says I seem confused. To be fair to her, I don't understand it either. All I do is keep falling back into the same despairing state of mind no matter what advice I'm given.

I haven't felt this bad since before I was put on medication in my early teens. That's why my mom and brother have speculated that my medication may be failing me since my body has probably built up a resistance from long-term usage.

As I mentioned earlier, some bad things have happened in my life this year. I haven't really taken the time to explore my feelings about them, because they affected other people in my family, but my family members don't seem to be suffering too much. I worry that it's stupid to mentally and emotionally anguish over things that other people seem to be coping with just fine. Anyway, the bad things were, in order: my cousin being diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor back in May, one of my closest friends since childhood being thrown in jail about a week ago, and my dad needing to quit his job because he's going blind (which has happened gradually; he officially quits for good on Saturday). However, my mental health seemed to be slipping even before these things happened - I had a brief but intense episode of derealization back in January.

I can relate mostly relate to how you're feeling, personal situations aside. Hope you feel better soon, and find a quick resolution to your problems.

I'm very sorry for your pain ATM. I hope you can feel better about all this. *hugs*

I don´t see anything weird or strange in your reaction. When a lot of these things happens all at once it is normal to go into some sort of depression and/or stress. Stress can be expressed by tiredness, unwillingness to get up, unability to cope with everyday taskes etc. I guess it is a bit like depression in that sense.

I am there at the moment and the advice I get is to just ride it out. Nothing much to do reall; you, yourself and your body need to rest and it is ok to "close down" for a while.

Depression can be another matter and medication can be a solution but not always. Several people have suggested that I get some kind of medication (well, mostly friends who have no experience with medication themselves). When I tell my doctor etc. that I don´t want antidepressants because they are not able to change my circumstances they agree. I know my derpressions well (old but unwelcome friends) and I do not want medication.

You write that your family do seem to cope better. Maybe they do but maybe they are not as involved as you (it is your best friend not theirs). Or maybe you have more empathy than the rest (a hint to the fact that asperger people are often described as without empathy).

Good luck to you

Sweet Pea hugs