I should have died instead

Post Reply New Topic

Last week, someone who was in my class some years ago in National school died in a motor accident. This is the second person from that class to die at around 20 years old. The first death, I was sorry to hear and stuff, but that was the one person who tried to ruin my life. However, I did not wish death upon him or anything, just for him to stay out of my life. I occasionally think about his suicide and feel a bit guilty over it.
Considering that 2 of my 12 old classmates from long ago died already, and that I nearly died a number of times, that's a scary thought. O_O
But now I'm thinking a lot more that I should have died instead. Why did the world have to take their lives instead? I'm the only one out of us all to die in some accident or something.
Nobody goes around saying that they hate me, but secretly, whether people realise it or not, I'm hated. There is bigotry in this world, but people are becoming more and more tolerant. However, the world seems hypocritical sometimes. I feel like I'm in some small group that does no harm, yet if I were open, I'd be hated.
Oh well. I'll just be half myself forever, and half myself with just myself, if that makes sense. xD
.....Sigh

It's disconcerting when someone your own age, that you new, dies. When my grandmother was a young girl, she was imprisoned in a concentration camp during WWII. When they were being liberated, there was heavy artillery fire. My grandma's friend was next to her and they were running for cover. My grandma made it, but her friend didn't. She still has the shrapnel they dug out of her friend's body, stained with blood, and she says that many times during her life, she's looked at it and wondered why it got her friend and not her. She always concludes that things happen the way they were meant to happen. Her friend was meant to die young and she was meant to live into her 80s.

That sounds sad, to be half yourself forever. I think everyone who knows you should be sad if they knew that. Your whole self is probably a really nice person. Yes, I know what it is to be hated, feared and pitied. Personally, pity is what I dislike the most. And sometimes, the hypocrisy of it all frustrates me.

I understand how you feel in a way. Being reminded of your own mortality by someone you know who is around your age dying or otherwise being put in a life-threatening situation is a pretty grim feeling. "Why couldn't it have been me?" is a very common reaction to these types of things. It's a normal part of grieving. (And yes, it is possible to grieve over someone who you weren't close to).

You should be relieved if someone who had been trying to ruin your life now is dead. He took his life.... well, lots of bad people have taken their lives, throughout history. That doesn't automatically excuse them for their past actions... except for in the afterlife, I suppose, as it is not logical for a soul to be punished for what happened in a previous life. However, the character that he was, that tormented you, is not one you should feel guilty over being gone, unless you made him that way, perhaps, from past bullying of him, or such, but I find it reasonable to assume that you have no part in the way he behaved. Therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty over. More or less the same with the other person who died, though - why should you have to die, instead of that person...? How would that be better? Maybe it even is better that you are the one to live? (Not that those two are truly "dead", though, anyway.) Plus, both of those are elsewhere, now, anyway - maybe the guy who tried to ruin your life will become a far better person, in his next life.... maybe he had to be that way, in this life, to gain experience, for his next life, to reach a higher state of consciousness, at that point... perhaps. Maybe you do not believe in the afterlife, though, but even if you do not, is there any logical reason behind why either if them should've stayed here, over you doing so...? The afterlife does exist, though.... not only logic dictates it, but countless near-death experiences, where the brain simply hasn't worked, during the experience, is evidence of it, plus the fact that humans are self-conscious, and that unexplainable part of the human mind can't just go away, just like that.... it's an energy that has to go somewhere, since basic physics even dictate that energy cannot disappear, but only change forms.

I hope you appreciated reading my little ramble. I have been drinking, due to my deep depression, heh.. :3 it's easier to post, while you are in a bit less of misery, which alcohol assists me to reach.... probably shouldn't have any tomorrow, though.. =_=

...Oh, and I'd definitely be hated, if I was open with people, too.... I'd also be put in a psych ward. -_-; Better just continue with my small hints, at most, over telling the truth....

I went to a small, private school. It was a K-12 school, two classes of about 20 kids for each grade. There have been so many kids who died from that school, young too. When I say young, I mean before 40. Mostly they were accidents and a few suicides. A few heart attacks, one boy had AIDS, but the rest were drug overdoses, car wrecks, accidents, etc.

The fist one was in the early 70's. 1975 I think, I'd have to check. Two brothers and a friend were leaving a basketball game. They had a car wreck and one died, then they loaded the lives ones in ambulances and one ambulance wrecked, killing another kid. Only the oldest brother survived. They say the school was haunted after that. Not a year went by without a tragedy. There were a lot of severe accidents happening to kids who went there, and there are very few people who went to that school for any amount of time who are successful today. For a small, private school, they had a horrible rate of failures in life. It's strange.

Every few years I hear about somebody else who died. It's wierd.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Look up "survivor guilt."