Shrew (ex) won't let me see kids...

Post Reply New Topic

Despite a court order in our separation, I'm now at over 6 weeks and counting for zero visitation with my kids at all...

My kids (especially my oldest) love me to bits are and quite literally exact clones of me, right down to AS. Seperation dragging on to almost 3 years now and she does as much as she can to prevent me from seeing them.

I'm barely hanging on to life and the kids are a mess too... gad... I'm getting very moody, stressed-out, sleep-deprived, cranky and sickly...

... [sigh] I've been squirreling away my pennies to someday afford a lawyer who will champion for Fathers' Rights (something forgotten about in this feminist-run court system that automatically gives everything to mothers.)


...any positive words to share? I'm dangling on the edge of the abyss here...

Thanks.

I don't know about positive words to share, but I can tell you my dad went through this too with his ex-wife. She abused all sorts of drugs, and was a nurse, and actually STOLE drugs from the hospital she worked at, and still managed to get custody of the kid they had together. All my dad had on his record was a DUI and I think a parking ticket. But this woman was a drug abuser and got custody of the kid.

To make matters worse, when my dad was on his deathbed (the aforementioned court case happened about 46 years ago!) we tried to call my half-brother and he basically said, "I didn't know Dad, he never made the effort to see me, so screw him." and hung up. This was after Dad spent at least 40 years looking for him. So yeah, I know how this type of thing is. I just hope your ex-wife doesn't poison your kids against you.

I know people who have been in this situation. My uncle didn't see his daughter for ten years after a divorce. Even though men have de-facto no rights in cases like this, the important thing is to never give up--my uncle never did and it paid off.

I knew a guy who's ex-wife played as dirty as anyone I ever heard of.

When he went to the Middle East for six months to do some very high paying work, she cleaned out the house. When he came back, about the only things left were the walls, the floors, the windows, and the doors.

At the same time she cleaned out their joint bank account and used that to by herself a really nice house.

She managed to get a judge assigned to the case who's daughter had really lost out in a divorce and so he was extremely on the side of the woman.

She kept finding excuses why he couldn't see the daughter on assigned visiting days. On one occasion, he took me with him and she called the police on us claiming we were trying to break into her house simply because he knocked on the door. The police chewed her out for that.

And then when he went back to the Middle East again for a few months, about a month or two into the trip she called up his credit card companies and had them cancel his cards. That included a credit card or two that he didn't even get until after the divorce -- how could she have known about them?

I asked him if she had been married before and he said that she had. So I asked the obvious follow-up question -- how did she get along with her first husband? He replied that it was pure hatred.

Think about it. If you are getting ready to marry a woman who has been married before, if her hatred toward her previous husband is about 10 on a scale of 1-10 and he didn't do anything that you can see that would deserve that, run away for your life. Every hatred she had toward him, she will have toward you at some point in the future. Do you really want to put up with that?

This stuff seems so common in marriages when they go through a divorce. The woman usually tries to alienate their kids from her husband and also gets the kids to lie to the judge. I read it's a form of abuse. It's different if the man was abusive to the children. But I think the reason why women do this is because they have to keep seeing their ex if they let their kids see him or have him do joint custody. I am sure men can do this too with their wives but it seems more common in women doing it to their husbands and the men usually lose and give up. They live on not ever seeing their kids and may only rarely see them or talk to them few times a year.

My aspie ex boyfriend was going through the same thing with his ex girlfriend. She was also trying to keep him away from their son so she was telling lies in court, tried to convince the judge he had sex with her daughter and had her daughter say yes and my ex went through a lie detector test to prove himself innocent. It was all traumatic for him. Their relationship may have been bad but he was still good with the kids and I don't see that as a reason to try and keep their son away from him. It's possible they may have both been abusive to each other because sometimes relationships are like that where both the man and the woman abuse each other. I still don't see that as a reason to keep their son away from him. He was fighting tooth and nail to get custody of his son and even though he lost, he still kept trying and borrowed thousands of dollars from his grandparents for it. No one was helping him but his grandparents and even my own mother thought "darn right he should be on his own doing it and not be getting help for it because he can't even afford his own child." My ex was always broke because he made $17,000 a year, couldn't manage his money well and he use his own money he have or just borrow from his grandparents to drive 12 hours down there and back to pick up his son and bring him back and it be four times a year. It sucks to never be able to see your kids and not be able to watch them grow and not be allowed to talk to them or send them anything in the mail. That's how much his ex restricted him from his child. So he borrowed money for it to see him and most men wouldn't do that I know. I know some people move to be closer to their child but he couldn't do that due to job. But he wanted to though. I don't know if he ever moved down there or ever finally got custody. But those two were fighting tooth and nail hard, him and his ex.


I used to talk to an aspie online who lived close to Spokane and his ex aspie girlfriend was doing this same sort of thing to him, trying to alienate him from their son. She was also playing games in court according to my friend. She even go on here and find his posts and use them in court against him so he opened a new account for it and got his original banned. So even aspies are not immune to doing child alienation. I also found out he had another son and his ex also did the same thing to him his new ex was doing to him so he never saw his oldest son ever again. He didn't fight tooth and nail, he gave up. I am sure he had in the past and then he gave up when he lost.

I wonder how common this stuff is when parents go through a divorce or when they break up or separate?


But yet when women don't ever see their children after a divorce nor live close to them, people seem to judge them harshly for it but not guys?

I guess if you meet someone and they say they alienated their children from their ex, red flag. Doesn't matter what reasons she has for it, they could be excuses and for all you know, she could be lying too. But they can just lie about it and say their kids chose to not see their ex and have a story about it and even the kids can lie and say what stuff their dad did to them. You wouldn't even guess she did parent alienation and she is forcing her kids to lie. So hard to say and it can be hard to avoid this from happening. Relationship is all about trust and paranoia won't help. If a woman is nice and supportive, you wouldn't even guess how evil she is. That is how they start out with when men meet those women and enter a relationship with them. Then they have a child and they start showing their true colors and the woman gets abusive. Then they split up and parent alienation begins. That is what happened with my aspie friend and my ex. Both of them were warned by their own mothers about their girlfriends they had just met telling them to stay away from them and that they are bad news. They didn't listen. They both say they missed the cues and they didn't pick up on them and their mothers saw it and they didn't. Then it was too late because they both had a child with their ex girlfriend. Now they had a choice between fighting tooth and nail so they can keep seeing their child or give up and never see them again until they are grown up unless their mothers turned the against them with their lies.

This is sad.

But as your sons love you so much, they won't be convinced by their mother. I don't know their age, but I deduce that maybe they are 7-8. They are little men and have their own criterion and personality already.

Hopefully things will cool after the divorce storm and then you could try again in a more relaxed situation. Divorces, I suppose, are very stressful, but you have to think that life has a lot of stages and possibilities and that your children will ask for you.

After marriage and having kids is a very bad time to be finding out that someone is a shrew, but this happens a lot, I've been told. Did she gradually change into a shrew over many years or was she just really good at keeping it hidden? What percentage of seemingly nice, attractive women are later revealed to be shrews?

It gradually revealed itself more and more over our 12+ years together.... and even during the 3 years we've been apart.


This is what happens with people who have a ZERO-Forgiveness outlook. All those hundreds of tiny irritations we do to each other as couples (spilling the salt, farting in the same room, hogging the covers) build up more and more and more until the person who never forgives and never forgets begins to deeply resent the partner.
The only way that person can ever be happy is to eliminate the person s/he now hates and get a new one (on which they can heap a new offense pile.)

Thank you for your kind words, everyone... it helps.

I don't know about the laws in your state but I thought I could stop my husband from taking the kids because he didn't have seat belts or car insurance and he called the cops. They told me he had a court order and that I had to comply.

Later I found out he had lost his driver's license after an arrest I didn't know about but I guess that's another issue.

So, you might go by your local police dept and see if they'll back-up your court order. Otherwise, I'm afraid you'll need an attorney. ugh!

Once my ex got his act together, I looked forward to him taking the kids every other weekend just to have a break. Being a single mother is a heavy burden. With two kids on the spectrum, I'm sure your wife could use the occasional break. What is she afraid of?

Unfortunately for me, my ex only kept up the good daddy act until he realized spending time with his kids wouldn't bring down the amount of support he would be required to pay. After about 18 months he moved to another state ending all financial support and contact with his children until they turned 18 - then he swooped in and pulled them away. Divorce simply shouldn't happen. It's unfair to everyone.

Though... I'm SO glad I'm not married to that jerk anymore... LOL

I've read some of your posts BlueMax, and you sound like a very loving dad and good guy. It sounds like it's hard to keep positive whilst all this is going on. I guess, even when you get to see the kids, it's all too short. As you know children grow up waaaaay too fast, before you know it, it will be up to them when they want to see you... it got me thinking- maybe you could start a journal for each of them (will probably be a series of journals by the time they are adults). You write really well on here, so I guess you don't have too many problems in putting your feelings and thoughts in to words... you could fill these book/s with photos, little bits of writing, all sorts of things that will interest them, let them know that even whilst you are /were apart you have always been thinking of them and missing them. I hope they will know that anyway, but it may also help you with the pain of missing them. Just a thought.
Good luck with getting help to see them. I'll be hoping you'll be spending alot more time with them very soon.

^^^ That's a very good idea! Genius! Not only would it be something I can share with them when they're older, it may also be a good outlet to "dump" all that stress and sadness. I'll probably weep while writing it, but feel better for the rest of the day instead...

Fantastic... thank you so much for suggesting it!

I'm so glad you liked the idea, I really hope it does help you feel better and helps your kids to know how much their Dad loves them, a very precious and powerful gift. Happy writing!

I almost forgot to ask what a "shrew" is, but I thought it was clear enough from the context.

There is another side of the argument, that of the "shrew" herself. Why would anyone want to be a "shrew"? OK so maybe she never really cared what you think of her, but it seems that being a "shrew" would entail particular disadvantages that must be obviously discouraging to anyone who has ever tried out being a "shrew".

^^^ Would it make you feel better if we replaced it with a much less polite but more understood word? A female canine, perhaps?

These days, it seems that being a b..... witch is considered a POSITIVE trait - one to be admired, respected, and/or feared. It makes her a "strong" woman.

No... it just makes her harsh, cruel and self-serving - stealing from others to give only to herself.


...now I'm not sure if that's entirely her case. Her sister was brutally, savagely murdered by her husband and I think she partially blames me for it! Maybe because we left the city/province her sister was in and unable to help her... maybe she just couldn't trust any man ever again? Who knows! She refused to speak of the subject and got insanely angry if I ever tried to talk to her about our dying relationship since that horrible day. She refused all counseling, all therapy, all discussion... all the while, her mother and a couple evil friends whispering in her ear plans and schemes to get a better, richer man (since money is all they're good for.)

[sigh] I'll never know for sure because she was never the type to ever admit making a mistake, and thus, never apologizing for anything.

Last edited by BlueMax on 19 Sep 2012, 12:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

It might be a good idea to include photos too........ the more records you have of them now as you go, the better. You will be thankful that you did when they're all grown.


I think things like this are the worst for the kids, because ultimately it's them who lose out - they miss out on getting to know their father while they are growing up.

If I could tell you one thing it's this: Keep the focus on the kids and what is best for them, and do not under any circumstances, use them as pawns (even if your ex is).

Do not speak about their mother unkindly in front of them in any way. I know right now that you are bitter about this, and it's understandabale, but the bitterness is only going to hurt you more if you don't let go of it (the bitterness will also make it more difficlt for you to move on with your life, to find a new woman, to stop thinking about your ex, and look bad in the courts, and possiblly interefere with your relationship with your kids). Your kids will appreciate it greatly when they are older if you are not bitter about it, and if you do not speak badly of their mother - if you can manage it, they will appreciate your unbiasedness and admire you for it when they are older.

You said it yourself, that the family courts are against men. So you can't give them another reason to be against you.

Above all else, you need to work through your feelings, because blaming her and being bitter about this will not help you in any way. It will get you stuck in a cycle, because it's easier to blame her than to work through all those feelings, and take responsiblity for all the things that you did (or neglected to do), recongise what was truly her responsibility, how you both contributed to the events and each others reactions, where it was the circumstances impacting and let the rest go. Anything that you did not impact on in terms of causing, reacting, or events, you need to let go. Her stuff and the things she did is her responsiblity, and she still has lessons to learn.

Right now, not many people are going to be kind to you. That means you need to start being kind to yourself and taking care of yourself, and it starts with working through all of that stuff, bit by bit so you get rid of the bitterness and grow as a person through this experience. *big hugs*

I've gone to some very good parenting-after-separation courses (9 weeks, as opposed to the worthless 3-hour session required by law) that went into all this in great detail. I do my very best in that regard and I think I've done a good job of never blasting her to the kids - they love their mom and it would only hurt them on so many levels. I'd never do that.


True... I had such a great counselor for the first 18mos but was too good and got promoted. It's tough though... I mean, we're talking about someone who took my kids. I'll say it again so it sinks in... she took my kids! It's very hard not to be upset at her for doing this, whatever her reasons may be.
I've done everything I can, proposed all options, made all offers, taken every action, acknowledged and apologized for all my failings. I can be comfortable with the knowledge that I didn't do many terrible things in the first place, but also did everything possible to set things right (even before the separation!)

You can't control other people and what they think though... (although manipulative sociopaths would like to believe otherwise!)