My Mom

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My mum gets these really bad mood swings. She's had them all her life but there are some periods in her life when she gets them worse than others. My family is going through a hard time right now. My uncle, my mum's brother in Holland only has a few months to live because he has liver cancer and my aunt, my mum's sister in law only has a few months to live and she has bone cancer.

Even before that though I've always known my mum to get horrid mood swings. She's diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Today started out great. We went to a small town fair and went out for lunch. My mum told me she wanted to walk the dogs at the park before we left. My dad and I got into the car. While we were in our car my mum started banging on the trunk and then she stormed in the car and yelled at my dad why didn't he listen to her. My dad had no idea she wanted to walk the dogs. They started arguing. We had planned to go to the mall after and look in the book store but she said that she just wanted to go back home. When we got home as she was opening the door she told my dad to take me to the book store. My day was already ruined though and I said no. We went inside the house and she said, "Great, now I have you guys hanging around me all day." I said, "Not down here" and went up to my bedroom. She mumbled something that sounded like "Damn right you're not." So I guess my dad retreats down to his study, I go to my bedroom and close the door. I hear my mum stomping upstairs and going back downstairs and then I hear the car leave.

So now I don't know where she went. I don't know if she's walking the dogs, gone to the book store or who knows what. I'm just appalled by her behaviour, bipolar or not. I can't take this any longer.

It's easy to say, well why don't you just move out? You're 26 years old. It's not that easy. I'm in college right now and I don't get enough income to be able to move out. Either way my mum's moods are greatly affecting our family and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it. In the past she's called me an ungrateful little witch, an ungrateful brat and once when we were talking she told me the only reason she was still alive was because she knew that if she commit suicide that I might. She said why don't we do it together? I started crying that she would even say something like that.

I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end and in the middle of my college program. I don't have enough money to move out and I feel that her mood is going to affect my performance at school if she keeps this up.

That's really tough. I don't know much about BPD but I have a feeling that she probably doesn't mean what she says.

Is there a quiet place you could study in the meantime? Perhaps a coffee shop, laundromat, school or public library, or something. It sounds like your situation would take a lot of effort and help to really deal with, so maybe you could let this be between your parents, and concentrate on your studies while you are in school.

I'd also like to ask, how does your dad handle her mood swings?

I'm so sorry you are going through that! ::hugs:: I can sort of relate because my mother has borderline personality disorder and now that she's elderly it's a lot worse, and I'm her target person. Only me, so my two daughters don't believe how bad she gets when we are alone, but my youngest son knows, he's seen it. She's ok today or has been so far this morning. I've had to go over every 45 mins and swap out my laundry in her washer because I still don't have one.

So, now that you know that I know where you're coming from somewhat, I'd like to ask if she sees a psychiatrist and if she's on meds. Also, I'd like to tell you that this is unacceptable behavior and neither you nor your dad are obligated or expected to put up with it. It's effecting you greatly and I'm sure it's effecting him as well.

No, she probably doesn't mean to be this way and she acts this way because of her own emotional pain and she can't help it, but that doesn't mean that you have to, or should, accept it and do nothing. I would suggest you and your dad talking about this together, alone. Be honest with him about how this is effecting you and ask him to be honest with you about how it's effecting him. Assure him that the conversation is confidential and only between you two, so its safe to say whatever is on your minds.

Your dad needs to take control of the situation and get your mother some help. If he doesn't want to do it for his sake or even yours, he needs to do it for hers because she will only get worse without treatment. If she has a doctor, he should talk to the doctor and let him know whats going on at home so her treatment can be adjusted. If she doesn't have a doctor then he needs to talk to her in private and insist that she sees one. He knows her best but if he can't talk her into it, he may have to tell her that if she doesn't then she will have to go somewhere else until she agrees to see a doctor. That's harsh, and she may actually leave and stay with someone or a hotel or wherever, but she may need a reality check and to be forced into treatment.

There are professionals who he (and you) can talk to and find out what your options are and the best way to help her. If she doesn't have a doctor, then your local county mental health association may be a good place to start, to find someone to advise your dad and you, or even a psychiatric social worker on staff at your nearest hospital that has a psych unit. Talking to them won't cause them to act without your consent because she isn't a threat to herself or others. They can advise you and help you to help her and help yourselves.

If your dad can't or won't step up and try to take control of the situation then I would suggest that you talk to someone and find out if you have other options, or at least talk to someone about it on a regular basis and get some supportive therapy, if not a doctor and a prescription for something to help with your stress.

There may be many options for both you and your dad to help you get your mother treated, but you have to take the first step. If your dad won't, then you go see someone and find out what yours and your dads options are and come back and talk to him about them. If he sees that you are serious enough to start investigating options, he may decide to take action himself.

Good luck and please let me know how things go.

You are worth much more than this, and you don't have to take it and shouldn't take it. It's not mean or selfish to think of yourself in this situation.

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I feel for ya', lostgirl - my mom is exactly the same as that. Bat@#$^ insane and impossible for anyone to be around for very long.

You might be better off renting a cheap room in a shared home (but that has all new troubles too)... the only advice I can really offer is to try and avoid her as much as possible. Yecch...

I know exactly what you mean. My mom is severely bipolar. When I was 16, My older brother (who is very close to me and was always my hero) lived a couple of hours away and had a major infection and his sinus cavities literally collapsed. He was going to have to have surgery, and I wanted to go with them to be there. I was scared, but I was not being obnoxious or anything. Mom turned to me and said "You're not going. I don't care if you go to school or not, but you're not going with us!" I started to cry. He is my stepbrother, and she is extremely self-absorbed so its not like she was too worried about him to think straight.

Well, when I started crying, she grabbed me by the throat and pinned me against the wall and choked me until I passed out. When I woke up, they were already gone. My brother was fine, and they came home that evening and acted like nothing was happening. Mom asked me how school was, told me my brother was fine and he was looking forward to seeing me at Christmas. That I should call him later.

I've forgiven my mom for all she did. I know she is sick and she can't help her mood swings any more than I can help not being able to ride a bike or drive a stick shift or eat anything that has a texture like peanuts. But all that stuff is still there. It still happened. The literal and metaphoric scars will always be there. I have nothing to tell you about how to cope. All I can offer is just stay strong, survive, and remember that you are the one in charge of your life. She doesn't own you or have the power to take away your life or your future unless you give it to her.

If you and your dad go together to see someone about your mother and both of you tell them about how she acts, they will believe you. Many people are very adept at hiding their illness. My mother is a retired RN and she's got everyone convinced that she's a sweet little old lady who is being taken advantage of by her selfish and uncaring daughter. Well, my husband and my two younger kids don't think she's being taken advantage of, but my oldest daughter is unsure. She's only seen the sweet, nice, fake side of my mom. When she was dx'd with borderline she was furious. This was in 1979 actually. She came home, really pissed, was telling me about what he said and told me he was full of sh*t and didn't know his *ss from a hole in the ground, and she never went back. She also never opened up to a professional again. Nurses are experts at covering their illness and they usually can manage to convince others that the problem isn't them it's the person who is complaining about them. If both of you go together and tell the professional the same thing, they will believe you. They understand that people can cover it up.

Also, maybe your dad could call the last psych she went to? If he made an appointment and went in, the doc may or may not be able to talk to him about your mom, depending on what releases she's signed and who she said could discuss her case, but either way he could hear your dad out and possibly give advice.

Talking to somebody at school or in therapy is going to be a great idea for you. If you don't like talking to your therapist, maybe try somebody at school, you may like them better and they may have more experience with helping people find resources than a therapist would.

Good luck! Hang in there, you really will get through this in one piece.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Wow, sounds like my dad. I'm really sorry you have to go through all this.
The only advice I can give is what some of the other posters already said. Avoid her and try not to let your mother suck you into her drama.