When materialism replaces hope, and when you are dying insid

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I just keep thinking 'help me'... that some supernatural force will hear my thoughts and help me... when I go to bed, I often keep whispering 'help me', over and over, before I get to sleep.... but it isn't listened to.

I just have no faith in finding my true love, anymore, and I'm becoming more and more materialistic, as a replacement for what I once used to "know" I would find.... the girl of my dreams. It was all just in my mind, it seems. Just a fantasy that I cannot experience in this current life.

My materialism, though.... it doesn't make me happy in the least. I suppose that the plushs I've gotten from Japan are cute, and cheer me up a tiny bit, but it's just too little. Otherwise, too, I have lost almost all my savings, so relying on materialism isn't a very good idea... and also, where am I supposed to put all stuff I'd get? I just don't have the room, and need to cut down on the buying for that reason, at least.

So I guess I am left with trying to bring down my unhappiness and anxiety with alcohol, seldom enough to not become an alcoholic, and legal drugs that aren't too bad for you... natural, herbal smokes I now have ordered, that allegedly make you feel things, or make you feel less... depending on what I'd prefer, for that moment. Maybe they'll even improve my life.... except, of course, that it can never be properly improved, if without my true love. What's the point of living my life like this? I keep asking myself when I should give up. I can't live my life, this way, but if everything except one, unreachable thing, is a bore, when it comes down to it, then what can one do about it? Just wish for the pain to end, I guess... for a miracle that appears from nowhere. But even my wishes are losing strength.... just... dying inside. And feeling like a robot, when interacting with people. I always am so polite and seemingly extrovert, when I talk with people, when outside... if they only knew that I am screaming inside. Make it stop. Get me out of this. Help me. But why say it loudly, when no one would understand? The risks of opening up entirely outweigh any benefits, when you are as eccentric as me.

+ an 'e' in the subject. Why don't the subjects on this forum allow more characters? God how annoying that is.

i often buy lots of things i dont really need. it makes me feel temporary happiness. dont really know what to say on the matter

btw i just read your okcupid profile- 'i'm looking for a beautiful virgin slave to commit suicide with me.... btw i like anime too' and so forth. just wondering if you ever get replies?

Usually when I have thoughts like this it's because I'm trying to fill the gap of dissatisfaction with my life and with myself. You probably don't really want love, just more positive experiences in life. Materialism is sometimes satisfying, but if you don't have enough positive experiences to outweigh the negative ones you probably won't be happy. The positive experiences I get from playing video games and doing other things make me happy. I have realized that lacking things isn't what makes my life suck, but the things that annoy me on a daily basis.

If you truly love someone? You should want them to be your equal, not a "slave". Whether or not this was your intent, putting a myriad of details on your extreme fetishes into the profile is going to do nothing more than scare off any potential date. I'm not trying to be mean at all, but most of the stuff you put in there is going to give off the wrong impression upon women. As a solely hypothetical question. What if you do find the person you believe to be the love of your life, spend a few months with them only to have them break it off and cut all contact with you? Realistically. What would you see yourself doing in that kind of predicament?

I am sorry you are so depressed. I know 'depressed' doesn't do it justice.

You have an image of what you want and I think it is so ideal that no one could ever live up to it. That is not to say you couldn't find someone you love and are very happy with.

I mean that you have placed your horror at the fact of the imperfection of life in the body of a hypothetical one most perfect person for you which could never exist. You talk a lot about how you have not found and will never find this person but not much about different ways you have tried to meet people you like and the things you would like about this person besides that they would be perfect for you and unsullied and willing to submit to your life plan involving early death. Perfection is infinite so your mind can and does move this superlative out of reach of anyone you encounter in your actual (as opposed to imagined ideal) life.

I am not telling you to "settle" or anything like that. I believe there are quite a few people out there who you would find great beauty of all kinds in and be able to love but you have to start, and I don't mean to seem didactic or like I know it all (I know not much) by saying "you have to" but seriously it is pretty obvious from an outside view that you have to start looking for the beautiful human qualities in humans. What you are looking for is essentially a deity, the embodiment of perfection, limitless beauty. Salvation from the neverending frustration of imperfection.

Frustration is not agony though. It can be when looked at in an all-or-nothing way, which I do way too often and lots of people with Asperger's do according to clinical literature, etc. The holes and cracks become all you can see when you are prone to this kind of thinking and happen upon them I guess. There is a way of looking at the world whereby all you can see is the beauty though, too. And of course there's a moderate way of looking at the world but I think it might be easier for people with naturally all-or-nothing thinking to see everything as good. I can't claim to be able to view things moderately myself.

So I advocate the see-everything-as-good approach. How? Logically, you have to see imperfection as beautiful. You have to go from seeing is as a disgusting ruinous decrepit thing to an unrepeatably unique and miraculous pattern of aberrations, a pattern that lacks symmetry because it only happens once and leaves you to imagine the rest. It is vibrant in its unpredictability and constant upheaval and renovation... yeah there's always some messy construction going on but the alternative is a crumbling building that does not meet the needs of its tenants. You have to see the uncontrollability of life as the product of a force greater than you and anybody or -thing else, and is the sum of all power, and is perfect in that way. I keep saying "you have to" not to be pushy but cause it's my conviction. Obviously you're free to do whatever you want, I'm just saying how I got through a time of being absolutely nauseated, to the point of wanting to either jump out of my skin or cut a hole through the floor and leave this world, by the stains and scratches and incongruities that are all you see if you are looking for something stainless and scratchless and unremarkable.

So basically in practical terms I think you need to stop waiting for your one true love to appear as you imagine them because you're not imagine a breathing being with the ability to do and be things you don't expect both hideous and wonderful. Humans have many amazing qualities, some of which I imagine appeal to you, but flawlessness is not one of them. So I hope it doesn't sound like I'm patronizing you but when someone has fixated their all-or-nothing thinking on a certain idea in their life it can be very glaring to others but not apparent to the person themselves - I speak as one such "person herself" - that they are blocking their own path to happiness by not allowing the joy that the imperfection of real life has to offer. This is so long and treatise-like because it's an issue I've struggled a lot with and it's possible to see the self-limiting mistakes in my thinking when it's reflected ever so slightly differently in another person.

Let me just shed a little bit of light on this here. If you expect someone to be your slave, and if everything I've read under your profile is true, then I suggest you see a mental health professional immediately, especially if it is making you this miserable. This might just be one of the creepiest things I've ever read, and I'm sure 99.999% of people on Earth would agree.

Slavery is against the law. It violates the basic human rights of which modern society has been based upon for years. I'm almost tempted to turn you in to the government so that you can get help, but this is none of my business.

I'm just saying, what you are asking is by far the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my entire life, and I'm not exaggerating. You are entitled to your own beliefs, but only to a certain extent. When those beliefs conflict with the human rights of yourself and others, something is seriously wrong. I hope that someone can help you. I truly do.

I would like to volunteer to be your slave! Where can I sign up at?

I don't think fetishes are creepy at all. I think you will find your true love. I also agree that you need more positive things in your life. I think in time, everything will be OK.

After reading your profile it does sound really disturbing and perverse. You will have an extremely hard time finding someone who will voluntarily be your sex slave and do those things. Try to be less perverse and tone down your sexual expectations if you want to get a girlfriend. You can probably find someone who will do some of the more minor things with you, but with the more extreme things it will probably never happen.

sorry for distracting people onto the topic of your dating profile:/