Should I just cut ties?

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Hi guys,

This is an issue which has been bothering me for a while but rather than blowing over it just gets worse as time goes on. I posted a thread about it a while ago, I think in June or so. Basically me and my bro used to be best friends (I'm female btw), we could tell each other anything and everything. The past 5 or so years we both really grew up and had gotten really close. We both love music and would see bands together, go to pubs and watch live music together, jam together, and play computer games together whenever we met up. Sometimes we would talk for hours on the phone about nothing really, and could always make each other laugh. All of this changed mid last year though when he found God, then met a girl at church who is probably 'the one.' I was happy for him and thought that this wouldn't really change our friendship much but it has completely.

Now he's ditched me for her and while I don't mind being single at all (see my previous thread) I do need close friends around. I am happy that he's met a nice girl cause he was single for years and his previous girlfriends were horrible to him, and she's really nice and funny and they get along well, but now he hardly talks to me. I get so jealous when I get on facebook and they write lovey messages to each other and we used to joke around together about how annoying that was. A very close friend of mine got a girlfriend 2 years ago but that didn't change our relationship with each other at all, and we still hang out just the same as we used to.

The finding God thing I thought would pass, and I have no problem with Christianity at all, a lot of my friends are Christians and it doesn't mean a thing. To start with though he would talk about how I was going to hell, and get angry at me for doing anything that was a 'sin' e.g. swearing (I hardly swear anyway. Just saying sh*t he'd get mad at me). My family visited not long ago but he didn't want to talk to me much, he just sat around reading his bible. He hardly even talks to our parents any more. If I start saying something about someone (we used to sit around laughing at people doing or saying silly things on TV or whatever) he tells me to "stop judging people." When I'm having a rough time with my housemates (see prev. threads) he tells me that it's "wrong to judge."

Now, we don't see bands anymore because he prefers to hang out with his girlfriend and she is also a Christian and doesn't like him going to certain venues. For instance, the last band we saw this year I got up and danced and drank but he just sat in the corner texting his gf. I asked why he wasn't dancing and he said cause his gf was upset that he was at a pub. He only talks on the phone for 5 minutes only while he's waiting for mum to come and get the phone, and we don't have text conversations about random stuff anymore. He doesn't drink anymore so the last time we went to a pub (that wasn't condemned by his gf) he just drank lemon lime and bitters and waited for me to finish my beer then we left (rather than sitting around chatting over a drink late into the night like we used to). I've got no probs with people not drinking alcohol, many of my friends don't, it's just that now he makes a point of it "I'm doing it for my faith" and going to the pub is just boring with him now. He makes me feel like a condemned sinner all the time but I don't even get drunk or do anything more than alcohol and my family's convinced I'm this crazed party animal.

I feel like I have lost a good friend. Seeing I have very black and white thinking the only way I can deal with this is by distancing myself from him and trying to get on with my own life with my other friends, hoping that I can find someone to be as close to as I was to him (whether it's a friend or boyfriend). It's just so hard when I have to go back home (he still lives with mum and dad), or I see his facebook posts, or he talks to me for 5 mins on the phone and hangs up. What should I do?

He has a girlfriend and likely that's why he isn't giving you much attention.
She may be discouraging him from being your friend.
Cutting ties is a bit drastic but let it be what it is.
Just tell him you understand that since he has a girlfriend now it might be awkward being friends with you but you're still his friend.

Tough one. I've never been as close to my siblings as you were with your brother. Actually, I didn't think it was something I'd actually heard of - brother and sister hanging out in a concert or pub? Sounds like a movie or TV show. Still, I can imagine how you'd miss it. I guess, like everything else, you just grin, bear it and move on. No cure for the broken or afflicted heart. Nothing like a replacement, though.

Give it about a year, and then see how it goes. I have never felt comfortable around religious types, and frankly mistrust people who suddenly get religion. Not putting your brother down at all, just saying. Anyway, the reason I say give it year, is because your brother's relationship is new and he is in the honeymoon phase where his girlfriend can do no wrong, and he is trying really hard to please her. Over time this may change as they get used to each other. In fact, wait and see how they are getting along around the six month mark. By then they will have bonded pretty tightly, or be having difficulties. Your brother may need you somewhere down the line as they start getting used to each other. They may even fight. But I would back off for now and let your brother come to you.

I think in this particular case, it will be up to you to act like the bigger person. With that said, it doesn't mean you have to put up with him treating you poorly or being a nuissance in your family.

Basically, your brother will always be your brother, and girlfriends or church groups may come and go. I would not make any moves to distance yourself from him, if you can tolerate his random outbursts and move the conversation to something neutral. My older sister has survived my growth from a very painfully shy child, to a somewhat rebelious and distant vegetarian teenager, who she thought for sure she would see on TV someday getting chained to some sort of GreenPeace save the whales ship, through my abusive relationships, moving home, moving out, moving home again, etc. I am so thankful my sister gave me the freedom to make my own choices and try out these things that I took to heart quite seriously, she just loved me and was consistently available. She listens when my heart is broken. She never makes me feel bad about making my own choices.

Glasstoria - I guess I should just try to be more tolerant. I went through a rebellious stage also, it lasted for a year or so, then I grew up. I guess that's the thing about family is that they're different from friends. Me and mum used to fight something shocking when I was a teenager. There were times I hated her and said things I now regret, but, now, we're very close and I'm glad she never took anything I said to heart and forgave me for how I treated her.

Hartzofspace - that has happened to a few people I know. My bros friends in school were all church people and I guess they got to him in the end. One of his closest friends said I was evil. It's just so weird cause my family are tolerant of different religions but now he's trying to force it onto all of us. He leaves bibles around the house and I was visiting once and reading a novel...novel, it's fictional...about the Gauls and he got mad at me saying their religions were not the true religion. The thing is, I don't drink/swear any more than what I used to. Just cause he's changed don't mean I have to to. I am by nature a gentle person and I don't hate anyone, I just get angry sometimes and so do most people. one day these people were making fun of me in the street (happens where I live for some reason) and they made me so nervous and mad, so I muttered 'I hope they get hit by a bus' then my brother gave me a 10 min speech on why it is wrong to hate people.

I do Tarot as well, primarily because I collect card decks and just got interested in it from there, which I have done since I was 15 (long before he became born-again) and he started lecturing me about how I was letting in 'evil spirits' one day last year (I wasn't even reading Tarot cards at the time he started arguing). He even went off at my dad for meditating (dad's been interested in Taoism since he was a teenager and has been meditating all his life) and mum for doing yoga (for exercise after surgery).

I'd say he's being a bit legalistic and I would expect that from someone who hadn't made their decision that long ago, but this has been quite a while. I've been on both sides of ditching someone for another and maybe it's just me but I've often regretted the choices I made. I do know how it gets with family, sometimes in those less-structured thinking moments we feel we can do better without them but ultimately "blood is thicker than water"

Your brother's at a point in his life that he wants to grow into the adult role (and possibly wishes to avoid 'burning with passion' ;D) which happens earlier in life with NTypicals. Shyeah, um, I wish I had the answer for being able to hold onto a few of those things you guys share together but flaking out on concerts, that's kinda tough to get past. Maybe try to pin him (& GF) down to dinner/movie once a month?