I'm losing my special interest

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Okay so I hope that who ever reads this knows what text based role playing online is. Kind of like D&D but it's just multiple people writing stories together. However these days the community has declined and the people that are left tend to be shallow, dramatic or over all trouble. Not that I know everyone but I tend to always run into the bad ones and because of a lot of bad experiences with these bad ones it's made me want my special interest and yet afraid of it at the same time. Whats bad about it is that my special interest is dependent on people, on these people to be here and to help keep it going. In a way it helped to fulfill my social desire along with my need for fantasy and excitement that doesn't get fulfilled in real life. It fulfilled everything that I don't get in real life.

So it's understandable why this is my special interest, I got everything I wanted out of it, the thing filled all the empty gaps in my life and without it I feel I have nothing and I've been consumed by it for so long I don't know how to find another. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I'm to afraid to even really participate anymore, all I do is get disappointed by people and let down or lied to or manipulated or I perceive that these things are happening to me and maybe they aren't. It's not what it used to be, it's changed for the worst and I don't think I can accept it and much less work with what is available now and I just feel stuck inside a cage with two options. Force myself to keep this special interest or make watching television day in and day out the new one and I just don't think I can do that because it's so isolating.

I've just always felt like an outsider even in role play with the exception for a brief time four years ago but it's like I never fit in anywhere with anyone and it's become like real life, I'm the oddball out and no one seems to really want anything to do with me except the one only good friend I have who tries to help in all the ways that she can.

So what should I do? Should I push forward and push past my anxiety and actually try to push my way in with these people or should I really just try to find a new special interest? Note that my resources, especially financially are extremely limited and that my life is mostly confined to my house.

Go for a walk or something.

I do walk, sometimes if I feel up to it. I tend to have a lot of fatigue and lethargy. Maybe it's from being out of shape, I don't know or maybe it's from the cachexia. I do manage to walk short distances from time to time but honestly I can't spend large amounts of time walking and being on SSI with all the time in the world on my hands, I have to fill it with something thats going to be incredibly time consuming.

Sweet Pea hugs

Thank you! Thats very much appreciated!