this isn't very hip hop

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So a bad thing happened which I'm not going to disclose on the board at large for a myriad of reasons.

But I've barely been able to speak about it. Maybe I'm in shock but I feel like a huge chunk of my personality has vanished, along with most of my spine. I haven't been this timid since I was a child.

The cops involved have mostly given me attitude and I'm usually not one to ignore it. I usually make it clear that I expect them to do their jobs. Now I've just been letting it slide. That may or may not work out better but that isn't relevant to what I'm concerned about, which is how impossible it is to be myself since this incident occurred. (clarification: I haven't committed nor been accused of committing a crime)

I actually shrugged off my dad insinuating that I am at fault for someone harming me. I am in no way at fault for this incident. My dad and I pretty much exclusively communicate through debating. It's cathartic and keeps us from being angry at one another for longer than a few minutes. Now I'm just avoiding him.

I should be angry about a lot of things and instead I just feel helpless and weak. I don't even know.

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Though extremely vague, thanks for sharing.

Not being able to speak about things can be quite normal - we tend to take a longer time to process things and prefer to do so fully if possible before speaking about them.
It sounds like your had your faith in a very important foundation or value shaken quite badly - it would explain the tendency to regress.
After some processing time and re-examination, I'm sure you will stat to return back to yourself, although you might make a few changes along the way.

Not being angry is good - it means your ego isn't involved too much at the moment.
*big hugs*

I wasn't meaning to be vague. I went through something traumatic and I'm having trouble being as outspoken as I usually am. I'm hardly standing up for myself and just being unresponsive when people say or do things that would normally bother me.

I feel too vulnerable to risk exposure to anything that might stress me out or even hurt my feelings. I'm sure it's temporary but I don't want to become so thin-skinned that I don't even speak up for myself. I don't want to become so weak that the world becomes anymore difficult to face than it already is.

I had gotten to a point where even if I was intimidated by life, I faked my way through it like it was no big deal. It is one way to live. I don't want to lose that ability.

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You faked your way through, but did that ever really work?
In my experience it doesn't - it simply delays it until the next time.
Delaying something constantly does not solve the issue, it only ensures that it builds up until it's so big that you can't face it and it's just easier to keep delaying because it's too big to face.

None of us can run from something forever. Delaying is just another way of running.

School terrifies me, people used to be intimidating, trying to make a grocery list or put together an outfit is overwhelming etc. So I just pretend it's not a big deal and force myself to do things and speak despite the anxiety.


It's how I get by, and no it's never made things easier or done anything other than provide a way to get by. I'm not sure if things can be easier. I mostly fear that if I stop speaking up for myself, I'll stop speaking up for anyone else and on certain occasions that has been important for my peace of mind.

It was that guy from the party who attacked me, he crept around my house a few times and the police called me paranoid rather than locating him and confronting him. Very very recently I was exhausted when I got home and forgot to lock my back door when I let my dog in. I woke up to maybe my worst nightmare. I was in shock and didn't contact the police. I eventually got myself slightly together and went to the emergency room. They contacted the police and it's been this strange and chaotic situation ever since.

Everything is so unreal. I'm faced with challenges that infuriate me when I see others facing them. The BS idea that women are constantly lying about this sort of thing or that the responsibility for the safety of a woman's body falls only on her shoulders.

Yet this idea is often accompanied by the idea that women are far from being capable of being responsible for anything.

I can't accept feeling exactly the way much of society is constantly telling me to feel, because it's wrong and it's destructive. This was not my fault, it's OK to admit I need to make some changes but it's not OK for me to take on blame or accept it being placed on my shoulders. And I'm not helpless but I don't know how to shake the sense that I'm suddenly fragile and unable to protect myself.

I should be angry and I almost feel no anger or sadness etc.

_________________
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Warning, my tumblr is a man-free zone

I am sorry that something awful happened to you and that you feel this way. I truly am. If you ever want to vent or need a friendly ear, please PM me. I'd be more than happy to help anyway I can. I mean that.

It's horrible when you the image you have of the policing system is shattered, it happened to me quiet a few years ago and I wasn't in your situation. In your case it must be especially horrible. It's sad that there is still a culture where it's okay to treat a woman who has been victimised with disrespect and wave off her worries or concerns. It disgusts me. I know there are limits to what can be prosecuted because of evidence etc. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be treated with care and respect.

I hope you do know that you don't have to go through this on your own. There are organisations around that offer counselling and support for women who have experienced these things. I suggest contacting one. Talking to someone who knows how to properly deal with these things and isn't a family member or friend might really help you. It sounds like you're struggling a bit and you need someone who can help guide you through this and the tools you need to use to recover. Perhaps one of these organisations can assist you in dealings with the police or put you in touch with a female officer or one who deals with these issues.

It may not mean much. But I don't think that what happened to you is in anyway your fault. I think that your reactions are completely justified. Anyone who claims that you're over reacting or being silly clearly has no capacity to understand what you've been through.

Feel better soon. Stay Strong.

I sent you a PM but without you giving the spefics or details (either via PM or on the thread), this is difficult.

So I'm sorry if it's not much help to you right now and I certainly didn't mean for it to insult, offend or hurt you in any way with any of my previous responses which fail to take everything into account,, but unless there are specifics it's difficult for us to do anything.

I don't feel like openly discussing... rape... is the best idea on WP. Because I'm aware of an active member threatening to rape a member and nothing came of it when a mod was alerted to the situation. I feel like discussing it is going to open me up to anything anyone wants to say. But I guess that's life. I'm discussing it though. So...

It's funny, I got a guy put on academic suspension for telling people he was going to rape me. It wasn't that douche. It was someone I've known since kindergarten. We were never close. He started acting like a stalker and the police basically told me to get over it. Then everything happened sand after being told I might've been drunk or on drugs(I even was asked to take a test at the hospital and I was completely clean) and it's a felony I'm accusing him of etc. normally I would've told the asshat taking my statement to get f****d but I just told him there were no drugs or alcohol involved but "It's good to know getting baked will cause break-ins and rape." which I backed down from and just tried to get it out.

I felt cornered and incapable of trusting that any of these people intended to help me in anyway.

After all that s**t he told them everything. This is still going to take at least several months... depending on... everything.

I keep cutting my hair shorter and shorter. I don't even know what I feel.

Kjas, you didn't offend me or anything, I printed out the text from your PM, it's given me something to think about. I appreciate it.

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Meems,

Sorry, very sorry, to hear this. The assault is bad enough, without having to go thru the motions afterwards with a bunch of people who don't care or really help.

I grew up paranoid, due to things like this happening, and being assaulted physically myself. They are among my earliest memories. Being hit, cut with glass, having dogs set on me, being trapped with them in an elevator. Maybe it would be better to say I grew up with fear & have struggled with it ever since. Much that I did later was really an attempt to push back the fear. After many years, what I found was that sometimes I failed, sometimes I did ok, and most times I managed to just get thru it. But I did not reach a point of knowing how I would react next time. Fear would not be something that goes away. Each new trial would have to be faced anew.

I say this just to share something difficult myself, and mention that along the way there where times I lost my nerve completely, and couldn't recover. I had to crawl away defeated and just bear the pain inside for a while. But my mind, my sense of what life is, won't give up, this is not what I want to be. So I gather myself together and try again.

I see some of that in you. You have been savaged, and you know it will take time to work it out. But something that worries you a lot is that it will change you, make you meekly accept what is handed you. I don't think so. Right now you are down, but I don't believe you are going to be satisfied staying there. I know it is better to never give in, but it doesn't happen that way sometimes and it doesn't mean that now you will always give in.

Hope I haven't misspoken at such a time. Definately just trying to find some little thing that might help a little. I know no one here can help a lot.

If it's any consolation...

You are an intelligent and strong woman. This is something I know about you, having messaged you. I believe that while you are going through difficult times, you have it in you to get through them.

I wish that there was something I could do to make you feel better. I really do. You're so much better and deserve so much better than the people getting you down and the situation you're in.

As Churchill said, if you're going through hell, keep walking.

You can do it.

I feel like dying. Or rather like I'm trying to kill some part of me in a way I've never done intentionally. To replace it with something else... and honestly it's gotten to the point where I can't stand being around most men I know and a handful of women.

Eh.

_________________
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Meems,

Many bad things can happen to us in life. You can be shot, robbed, raped, assaulted, harassed, bullied, be in a car accident, become seriously ill, be born with a disablity, lose people that you care about, and the list goes on and on. No one asks for these things to happen or deserves them in any way. They just happen, and they happen all too frequently.

But they are not all the same in how it effects you, and how long the effects can last. Rape is one of the hardest things to bear I think, because the accompanying mental injury is so deep and traumatic. I have experienced many of the above, but the one I think that was closest were the times I was being chronically harassed/bullied. I couldn't really explain to people the damage it did inside and my frustration at letting it hurt me far beyond the actual incidents. It can feel like something so important was lost that you don't want to live without it.

The last incident for me was by far the longest and worse and I had to quit and the mental pain and 'replaying' lasted a long time. I broke off all contacts good as well as bad. The 1st year was the worst, and then it slowly improved and I thought about it less and less. It is a full 5 years later, and finally, maybe... I might be able to speak with people I knew then.

It is unfortunately the norm of this world for these type things to happen, and it is natural to be hurt and hurt deeply. It is also true that you will heal naturally in time. Such things leave scars, but you will feel better in time.

Sweet Pea hugs