Clearly I'm not welcome on Earth.

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Not to say that I'm from Mars or anything like that. But what's a person to do when they can't make a single step anywhere without finding hostility, rejection, bullying, what have you. I'm tired of it and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm quite honestly sick of trying, clearly I'm not wanted anywhere so why am I still futilely trying to fight the tidal wave of hate?

My parents abused me, my siblings hate me, I was always getting beat up from grade 1-12, same BS happened at college, same BS when I went to work. I try to find friends on the net, people turn on me, backstab me, humiliate me, conspire against me, and ultimately run me off with pitchforks and torches. It'll happen here too, it's already starting. I've already got a mod harassing me.

So what I really want to know, not that I expect to get a straight answer. What the f**k did I do to you humanity? Does my appearance chafe you that much, do I not look right, do I not act in perfect harmony with your invisible BS social laws and rules? Do I have some kind of f*****g tattoo on my back that says "Unload your hatred on this a**hole!"? (Fully expect someone to answer "Yes!".)

Honestly, people don't want me around. I get that, I get it perfectly. I'm just about ready to grant them their f*****g wish. Not that I expect they'd appreciate, my funeral would be one where spitballs are handed out and people throw eggs at my casket. Oh please, like anyone would come to my f*****g funeral.

Speaking of which I think god is in on this BS too, because now he thinks it's funny to not let me sleep and then show me images of being dragged down into hell and devoured by spiders while everyone who hates me stands over me laughing. Of course when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, no one comes to my aid. My mother will come in and tell me to be quiet but that's about it.

Oh yeah, and there are the people who claim to be "friends". Some friends. If you're my friends, why do you duck and dodge me? Why do you avoid me? Why am I always having to beg you to talk to me and then you find some excuse not to? Why are you pretending to be my friend when your act of holding me at arms length shows that you don't want me around anyway. OH CRAP! DUH NO ONE f*****g WANTS ME AROUND!

There's a drawer full of f*****g knives across the hall. All I want is to not be in pain anymore, but god throws me that last curveball. I'M GONNA MAKE YOU TOO MUCH OF A FRIGHTENED COWARD TO KILL YOURSELF! HAHAHA!

Even god f*****g hates me. Not sure why, but he sure gets off on seeing me suffer. Just like humans do.

It's okay people, just keep beating the self-esteem out of me. I've been your b***h for coming up on four decades now, now sense in stopping what works for you. After all, I'm just here to soak up your anger and hatred, and god knows I can't do that if I have the power to stand up for myself.

Okay, I'll shut up now.

On this site??

I REALLY wish there was a way that I could say it, and show it, that God does not hate you. I gather from your post that you have an inclination toward having a relationship with him. Would it make you feel any better if I told you what I've had conveyed to me? If you take your belief in God and measure it with the idea that he holds us humans as his most cherished creations, above the universe and all flora and fauna, above the angels even? Yes this probably does sound like a bunch of supernatural hooey, but have you read the gospel of John? That should help you register that nothing is here by accident but most importantly that you do matter to God. I used to get caught up in the loop far worse before I developed an interest in the Bible, specifically the recorded words from the mouth of Jesus, but that information is useless if I neglect going to church or watching it online, and talking to another Christian once a week or so.

What was your last known good configuration IRL? If nothing, do something different
PM if you care to discuss

Of what I've read on the site that you've posted, Whisper, I've deduced your severely depressed. You can't blame the world, dude. That's wrong attitude to have. I've seen some s**t in my day. I can relate to your post a lot. Writing this out, probably helped you figure some things out to be honest. YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON. I was like you, man. but YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON. What's in the past is in the past. You can't change it. Feel free to shoot me PM. I feel I could help you out a lot better if I didn't have mince words.

Say it isn't so!

Being new here, I figured everyone got along decently on this site because we're connected by similar issues.

I think you may be one of the people who tend to overreact to things and give them, in their minds, way more importance than they actually have. You could be doing this to lots of small things and blowing them up in your mind into big things, so it seems that the whole world is against you. Aren't you the guy who had the huge problem with how his mother cooked eggs for him?

I'm not being mean, I'm trying to tell you that sometimes people blow things way out of proportion. Some do it more than others. Maybe you do that.

I hope things get better for you.

DiscardedWhisper, it sounds like your worst enemy is all the hatred and shame you direct at yourself to prevent progress. It might sound cliche, but attitude means everything. Try to think more relistically and find the few people who really do care and please seek therapy to heal your mental wounds. I used to be in a similar state and need therapy for my terrible past.

Is it possible you are being paranoid about people hating you? There are many with poor pasts that become paranoid from it, and you might be the one keeping yourself at arm's length from others to be sure not to be hurt. Trust requires attempts from both parties.

Some folks seem to think that unless everyone is in perfect agreement with them, then everyone must hate them.

Others seem to feel persecuted at the slightest suggestion that they are somehow provoking their own lack of popularity.

Still others seem to believe they are in competition for a "Victim of the Year" award, and will tolerate no one else receiving any more attention or sympathy than they.

We seem to even have a group of people who overshare every detail of each devastating crisis in excruciating detail, when the crises they report would be only slightly annoying for most of the rest of us.

The rest are just venting ... or maybe they're trolls ... who knows?

Fnord, I find your constant intelligence and humor quite cute.

Thank you; so does my wife.

Get me drunk and I could be your wife too

Let me know if I start getting creepy, I often go too far with jokes.

^ Yeah it probably is going a little too far making jokes on a subforum where people's very lives could be hanging by a thread, so to speak.

I'm not surprised by it, my life hanging by a thread would no doubt be considered an invitation for gallows humor.

Yeah, I punned. Sorry, it's my nature.

Truth of the matter is I was serious about the "being sucked into hell" part. Clearly, I envisioned myself being sucked into hell, I'm beginning to wonder if I was dead at all last night. More likely, it was a hallucination brought on by a combination of asthma, lack of sleep and a rather noticeable nervous breakdown. Not that it was any less frightening in that regard.

I should point out that those who question the validity of statements regarding the breadth of abuse turned at me. I'm not lying or exaggerating. Although my post lacks eloquence, it's difficult to be eloquent in that state of mind. I'm calmed now then yesterday, but not feeling any better about my life.

I don't intend to apologize for my rant, there are worse things I could have done last night.

Way worse.

Noted that the context is not fit for jokes, although DiscardedWhisper did a nice pun.

I think the idea of dream interpretation should be purely taken from the Jungian perspective; I would recommend free association with memories of the dream to see if they have any validity for possible insecurities and such that you may have.

Free association is basically where you write down the things that first come to your consciousness when thinking on a topic. After about 5, the mind starts truly delving into the unconscious motivations.

And yes, I did just support part of Jung's theories and Freud's theories. Both are valid in separate areas.