The pain will never end.

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So what is the point....I suppose I am curious so I fight the suicidal urges. But seriously I had problems as long as I can remember and some f*****ing a**hole shot a girl well f**** him I am glad the cops shot him up with bullets, even so that does not take away what was done and I have f****ing PTSD. Whatever the pain wont end for me but I have to still keep ahold of myself and do what's right.

I mean of everyone why did she have to die, but then I feel bad for thinking others deserved it more.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 13 Oct 2012, 3:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Is this something you witnessed? If so then I understand. When I was 19 I witnessed a man shoot his wife in the head and kill her. It's a haunting, almost surreal thing to me. I can still see the scene, the blood and the horror and yet I am 19 years older.

I wasn't in the room it's just the girl who got shot was one of the few who treated me like a person rather than garbage so it hit me kind of hard but since I was such a misfit I was not able to get much support afterword went into a pretty dark place actually. But I tried to keep it all inside and it didn't work.

There's no reason to keep it all inside. It's Ok to feel angry in such a situation. It's part of the grieving process. Plus, you have AS, which means the emotions are probably pretty intense. Internalizing them can be quite unhealthy. What you need is a way to externalize them constructively. Why not volunteer somewhere so that you have an outlet for all of your energy? I'm not saying this is easy to do, but you need to do something to get away from sitting at home and stewing in your emotions. If you don't, it's going to continue to tear you apart.

I wish I would have convinced myself of that when it happened than the PTSD wouldn't have gotten so out of hand, But yeah shouldn't have listened to that damn song last night but I was drinking and thought it would be a good idea to listen to a song from the movie Fight Club which then gave me the idea to listen to a song that was played at this memorial thing for her since it is a good song and I figured it wouldn't trigger me too much...but I guess it did just glad I had the sense of mind to come and vent here then on facebook which I just checked and I only posted a couple songs so its all good. But yeah I didn't exactly fit in with the other kids so they didn't exactly try to involve me in the whole 'oh we need to take care of each other because this is a difficult time for everyone' bandwagon I kinda tried to be included but its akward trying to be included where you are clearly not wanted. I tried to get counseling but for some reason that didn't happen cant remember quite why so I tried to just get through and then go to college in the hopes it would finally get better and I could become self sufficient and free to do what I want(within some limits obviously) and then it would be ok...6 years later its anything but ok.

Also not to be rather blunt but what energy? being on edge all the time and getting my symptoms triggered is actually pretty exuasting in itself not to mention the pain it causes I do my best to get out of the house as much as I can though but I am rather underweight and it really bothers me if I try and hang out with family I get along with or friends and I feel disconnected from feeling any enjoyment or being a part of the moment. Its like having a glass of water in front of you that you can never drink no matter how hard you try or how thirsty you are if that makes any sense. Then I will go to the bathroom a lot(to just sit there not because I need to) because I don't want to bring everyone else down

Not to mention its kinda loud and noisy outside anyways which can set me off so yeah I am not opposed to volunteering I just don't think I could handle that right now. Basically my plan for now is to try and get on SSI and some help for the PTSD so maybe I can be functional enough for volunteering to build up a bit of experience and then maybe I could get a job or something. But another factor is I can't really afford to take the bus anywhere too often since I don't have income and I already have my mom and sometimes other family helping me pay for appointments and prescriptions.

I guess its kinda similar to how I felt when I was in highschool and 9/11 (9/11/01) happened.

I mean--it sucked, everyone was down, but people had friends and I was a complete loner with no emotional support.

I heard a similar analogy, but it was more like a cocktail party with no alcohol.

Your idea is good, and the main thing is your appointments are geared to get you eventual help and support for your PTSD.

Yeah I thought I had friends during the time that happened, but it was more I was the new kid so the popular kids where being friendly with me(it was a pattern I started noticing they did this with all the new kids as if to determine if they were cool enough to exist or not) well after a while I guess they realized I wasn't one of the 'cool' kids. Yeah I was in middle school not sure quite what grade.

Also, I think I need serious help ASAP not eventually I've already put it off too long because...our 'system' scares me so I didn't want to trust getting professional help but now I am more worried about not getting any help and ending up dead by being an idiot due to the symptoms and doing stupid things or attempting suicide. I plan to be straight up about how severe it is with the doctor, and I might be talking to the psychologist this time to. I think at the end of the appointment there will be two choices......Do I want to go to the psych ward voluntarily or not? I imagine I prefer voluntarily but we will see how my fight or flight response feels about it I guess. I already dread the appointment due to this....just like I did last time but last time I played it off like I'd be ok till the next appointment, well now its even worse and I don't think I'll be able to.