Problems with Independence

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I am perfectly capable to do things for my self but I am perfectly un-capable to know how exactly I am supposed to do what I know I ought to do. Like many in the wrong planet syndrome I need a schedule to function in life and when that schedule finds a wall I pretty much get very overwhelmed and that's when I'll just stop doing everything until I feel recharged enough and more importantly after I've found a new schedule that better equates the new variables. The problem is that I need to plan every hour of every day which I can delightfully manage until I am presented with a new very unexpected as they always seem to be factors that just keep on coming, most of them from my situation at home.

I live with my parents and my brother and my mother has made it clear that they will not be aiding me into achieving functionality unless it is on her own terms which basically means "wake up next morning and function like the rest of us". Which I cannot do, I can do what I am supposed to do, which is what she wants me to do and I as well want to do and would accomplish it in the same time spam as a NT, just in my own way that I can understand. But I just cannot do it the way she wants me to.

I've been meaning to get a job so I can help my self but the one I wanted which is at a call centre and falls right into the scheduled needs of mine, I cannot get because I got so nervous at the interview that they thought I could speak English no better than a four year old.

In the house my brother gets all the priorities since he is the one in college and I am just the lazy ingrate who refuses to act normal. I am currently thinking of a new strategy and would very much appreciate any ideas.

Here are some things to equate into account

-My social skills are very, very bad but I think I can manage provided there's a partial vacuum and things are spherical enough ¬¬
-People find me extremely boring and usually cannot get fast enough away from me which is not a problem since I like being on my own
-I can barely reach pseudo-functionality among street crowds
-I am dyslexic which means I get ridiculously lost frequently
-I have a light and heat intolerance (my mind gets overheated and starts to work extremely inefficiently in every possible and unexpected way)
-I have a very confusing alexithymia which creates problems in ways I am never realising unless I methodically analyse the situation latter on by my self
-I am an asexual male to female transgendered androgyne
-I have no friends

Thank you

Last edited by HairlessAlbinoCat on 13 Oct 2012, 6:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Also, my mother acts as though there is nothing wrong with me (not that I say there is) and she keeps on telling me about how there are people worst than me and so I should be able to do what she proposes. She knows I've been diagnoses with clinical depression, that I suffer from anxiety and she also knows about my transgender diagnosis but she insists I act like someone who is not clinically depressed or anxious and that I am fine. She gets a lot of pressure from my father but actually seems sincere in what she says which confuses me all the more. I really do not know what to think of it, it is all very confusing.

If it weren't for the other issues, you'd prob do very well in the military. They have a lot of strict structure.

I think we have some similar issues, I want to have independence but the way my family expects me to get it is not a path that works for me (having tried to do it their way and failed resulting in deeper depression). My mother simply does not understand why I qualify for services. She still thinks I can do anything I want in this world, and doesn't see in front of her own face how every little thing I do is a 100 times harder for me to accomplish than for my sister or basically anyone else.

The only time she really sees me is when I get so depressed that I am crying and sobbing or sitting somewhere staring at the wall for a long period of time. It just doesn't click for her that I need help every single day even when I look fine, and by the time I'm uncontrollably crying or staring into space it is too late for me to be helped I just have to survive through it and try again a few days later.

Like you, if I get a routine going, I can keep at the routine for a very long time and enjoy it and complete tasks within the routine. But something interrupts, or makes me so upset that I can't go on with routine expectations and I just sort of disintegrate.

With that said, I hope you feel better and are able to come to better terms with your family or find your area in which you can show your strengths.

It all sounds very familiar indeed, I appreciate you sharing. I too am only given some attention when I get to the point when all the frustrations, overwhelming and hopelessness reaches a point when much like you I start crying uncontrollably and freeze into shut-down, only that over the years I have got more and more cynical about any improvement towards a more "normal" development and now I just do not expect things to change and have been trying to forget that I could do many other things only if and I try to navigate my endeavours in ways that do not include anyone's most minuscule involvement.

Although much like a fish that has been taken out of the water I will spasm every now and then into a gasp of hope for greater things but they are getting further and weaker apart. This is not to say, at all, that I am growing depressed; I have actually got to a point where I, by accepting the inability to control nothing but my mind I can achieve a moderate amount of "not unhappiness" which predictably plateaus through time.

The problem is, the ever present sight that so many things could change by a single whim of understanding from my mother, an understanding that so many seem to receive ever so easily. The taunt of this thought burst a gasp out of me, a foolish one since much like the fish's it will not matter but like I said they are getting further apart, I only hope I can achieve some level of independence that will allow me to depend even less in others until for others I might as well not exist.

You can be who you are because of the negative influences in your life, or despite them.

Which are you?