Closure on the old loss of a friend

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The background for this is that I lost a close friend to suicide six years ago.

Recently I was thinking about him again and, on a whim, went snooping online for some of his old haunts because it felt almost dreamlike and I was compelled to prove to myself it had all happened. It always bothered me a little that even after six years I hadn't found closure when mutual friends seemed to find theirs within a few years. I found his blog, and the second to last post was addressed to me personally, from shortly before the act.

It was predictable and filled with all the things he'd talked about at his lowest point, which I wish I more than anyone else had paid more attention to. All these years the loss made me depressed and angry, in a dark corner of my mind if nowhere else, to the point where I avoided certain things and changed certain beliefs that were connected to him or the reasons behind his suicide to reflect a newfound skepticism. We'd both been spiritual people, but afterward it felt tainted to me and in part I blamed his fascination with and almost naive belief in it for what had happened... at least on the days when I didn't simply pass everything off as some undiagnosed form of mental illness. It completely altered the course of my life.

The sadness that you feel is in vain.

When I read this line, I actually laughed after a few moments. I thought, "Yes, but not for the reasons you listed."

Though I deeply respected him when he was alive, for a long time I stubbornly refused everything he'd said and done to try to help me in life on the grounds that someone who left in the way he did couldn't possibly know what they were talking about. Looking back it was all good, at least before he started slipping. I laughed because I had finally come to peace with what I knew I would read in that message, and I didn't feel such animosity. I cried because I miss and love him still, and the love for and connection to him was buried for years beneath everything else.

For a few hours while I read the rest of his blog it felt like I had him back, and since then I've felt like we're only thinly separated like two people on opposite sides of a pane of glass. I'm afraid of losing that now. I can even imagine what he'd say to all this distraction and emotion when I should be finishing work and attending to other things, "You can have another half hour of feeling sorry for yourself, then get back to living!" Probably followed by colorful language or nonsensical exclamations.

I'm not who I was then, but I do choose to believe in this "glass pane" sensation. I do choose to believe that in a way we're still together and our two worlds simply no longer mix, much like oil and water. I make this one concession in a life without definite spiritual beliefs. It strikes me as a rather poetic kind of peace pact, and he'd have liked that.

I discovered he played the ocarina, too. I picked up the instrument a year ago simply because I so much loved how real ones sound without ever knowing. I'm no composer, but I think I'll create something to commemorate. Maybe one of his old poems could use a melody.

I think I'll be fine now.

I also lost a friend to a terrible accident about 14 years ago. It took forever for me to get closure because he was such a good person and had literally his entire life ahead of him. Eventually I had a dream about him and he made fun of me for missing him. Sounds ridiculous and it felt kind of weird in the dream. But because his behavior was so "him" I knew it actually was him telling me to focus on my life and not worry about how short his time was.

Finding closure is a unique process. All I can say is your friend is still out there, and you will see him again some day.

He sounds like he was a great friend - he was lucky to have you. Sorry for your loss, Cilantro. I do not think sadness is ever in vain. I like your idea about the ocarina and using his poem lyrics.

to Cilantro this is the most beautiful and uplifting post I think I've ever read.

I'm stunned and amazed, I don't know what to say.

Thank you forever

I have gone through a situation myself getting over the suicide of a close female friend, I had only found out about it last year when it had happened two years prior. I still think of her every now and then. I hope that one day I will be able to visit her grave, that would give me some kind of closure.