Disowned By My Parents

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Now I know why I was worried about truly accepting reality....my parents completely disown my existence. I'm sure there's other scary s**t I'll find as well.

My father didn't even notice when I was struggling with anorexia, was very unsympathetic when I tried getting him to get me therapeutic/medical/dental help and has overall shut down all my attempts to better myself. He hates that I have gotten to the point where I am better at questioning things than him better as he was raised to blindly like everything. He loves calling me elitist over every criticism I make over his interests. He treats me like s**t but changes himself for everyone else. Hell, he wasn't there for me growing up either. I had to grow up on video games and music since there was the void of a parental figure when I wasn't living with my mom.

My mom has borderline personality and completely sheltered me until around age 8. She became useless and I was horribly ridiculed by other kids to the point my self-esteem was completely destroyed and I had withdrawn into my private world completely, where I've been ever since a few days ago. She sheltered me from all cruelty up to that point. She also had not let me be around most kids because of their bigger brothers teaching them words like "f**k" and "vagina." She now is very passive aggressive and always consciously nullifies my attempts to resolve her hoarding/avoidance issues. She now just watches TV all damn day and has people do her chores for her...I fear for my little brother in the future.

I have tried so hard to repair these destroyed "bonds" but it no longer seems feasible or worth more energy to expend on it. They fought through me when they were divorcing and said horrible things about each other to me....leading to extremely conflicted feelings. My dad wanted something normal and my mom wanted a man to be her slave essentially...doing everything around the house and shopping for her.

I wish my past wasn't so f*****g painful...I just feel so alone besides my wonderful mentor who has filled the role of my father.

With parents like they they did you a favor.

I'm glad you have a mentor. And might you also have grandparent(s), an Aunt, an Uncle, or other extended family?

(and I wish we had more widespread Spectrum advocacy/network groups which could be an additional resource for you)

I have a grandmother on my mom's side who has been very supportive and understanding. My mentor, however, has saved my life 3 times essentially. I am very grateful for him and try to be a good friend towards him.

To be clear I am using disowned metaphorically, no literally.

My guess is that your mentor is a flawed human being like all of us, but . . . a person who tries, in particular who tries to listen, and without overtrying, and that makes all the difference in the world. I am glad that you have such a person.

Well, your mom definitely sounds like she has her issues, and she emphatically wasn't there when you needed her.

Now, with thoughts or feelings I might wish I didn't have, I personally prefer a zen approach, neither trying to hold onto the thought nor trying to push it out of my mind, for both just tend to add power to the thought. So the approach is to casually and occasionally watch the thought with zen 'detachment' as I continue other positive activities. And this sometimes works.

With your little brother, and it sounds like you are correct to fear for his future, I'd say the most important thing to do is to be a real person, flaws and all. And opportunities will arise, sometimes you won't be able to help and so be it, but sometimes you will, or rather experiments and efforts to help, which will sometimes work and sometimes not, and give information for future either way. You can do the possible. Please do not blame yourself for not being able to do more.

I can't deal with my mom at this point. Hopefully though I will be able to help Luke out when he needs it. I will let him know whenever he wants to talk about something I'm available...except unlike my father, when I say it I will mean it.

And as far as the zen approach thank you, I never really looked at it that way. It should help greatly.

That might work and provide Luke an avenue*, all depending on your relationship of course. I sometimes think us adults are too ponderous. And maybe a big part is just talking about the light things, some humorous incident in school he observed or a TV show.

I sometimes link zen to playing poker! I can play a hand well and still lose. And it's playing each card as it comes and not getting married to a course of action. (note: I don't recommend poker as attempt to make money.)

*I only hesitate because when I was a kid, when an adult did a big dramatic anything, it tended to scare me more than anything, at times overload me in a way, need a lot of time for processing which I would defer, this big thing I didn't understand. It seemed to set up a barrier to connecting and reaching out.

*Plus, if your father has already made a big dramatic promise to him, what's going to make your promise any different? The more I think about it, the more I recommend kind of a low-key approach. Matter-of-fact confidence, still being a real person, that we can deal with the bad stuff as well as the good. Maybe that's the approach I'd really like.

Still trying to get used to the pain of knowing this...it isn't easy. Now that my dad has a girlfriend I am almost entirely ignored.

The rundown:

Just figured out that I probably have always had autism/AS, but was never diagnosed.
I turn 35 this year and have nothing to show for it.
My birth family, adoptive family, my son's adoptive parents and my daughter's father's family have all disowned me due to me being "violent and irrational". Their words, not mine.
I get 500$/mo and am expected to survive on that, no food stamps.
The only thing I want in this world is to know that I mean the world to somebody, and I don't mean to myself. That's stupid and doesn't make the pain go away.

I joined this site because I'm hoping I'll be able to learn to accept that I'll never be loved because i'm autistic.

StrayCat, I know the feeling of intense loneliness...the $500/month thing sounds intensely stressful. Can you get hired right now?

It might be callous, but I am now numb to the idea my family doesn't understand me. Nothing in common with 90% of them anyways.

I don't think so; I haven't had a "real job" in 8 yrs. And there's no rest of work at a fat food place and get treated like a moron. Typo stays lol

Ha, clever typo.

Could go to school or try to find a place with on the job training.

Ok, let's have some real suggestions instead of foolish ones. I'm not an idiot, so I don't need to go to a trade school. Also, I live in Boston, where I'm roundly dismissed as "ghetto trash" because of my skin tone, which makes employment that much harder. I'm just useless and, worse, autistic. If my family had recognised that I can't take care of myself from the beginning I wouldn't be in this mess.

I'm only 17, so I don't know.