who cares

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screw it *deleted*
100 views and no responses, why do I even bother.

I know the feeling. I often spend time creating posts in other forums. I think "this one is great - well thought out, provocative, entertaining" then I go to bed or go to work. Eight hours later I come back, feeling guilty that I wasn't there to answer all the replies. I log on. Excitedly click on the thread. Zero. Nothing.

It happens so often that you'd think I'd learn. But still I have a genetic need for connection to other people. I want to matter to somebody apart from my family (they don't have a choice). So I keep writing stuff. Keep creating stuff. I now see it as my art. Spending hours and days and years on projects that have almost zero effect is just "what I do." I have done it all my life. My biggest hope is that I can make something big enouigh to survive after I die, but realistically that isn't going to happen. But it keeps me busy, and keeps my mind off the outside world, so that helps.

The outside world is even more depressing - how can people be that shallow? Time and again I feel attracted to some girl I see. I get talking to them. They have either zero interests or their interests go no deeper than what they see on TV. Or I see somebody really quirky, and get excited - is their quirkiness a sign of somebody with a high IQ but social difficulty? So I get to know them better and every time it's because they are on the other end of the curve. No doubt a lovely person, but I need somebody to talk to.

Shouting out into the silence. I know all about that. That's why whenever I come to WrongPlanet I reply to all the zero posts (except the "test" one). Those are the only people I feel anything in common with.

Part of that is just the nature of the internet. There are too many things coming at you and you can't take care of them all.
I have no idea what you wrote about, but sometimes it takes a while to come up with a meaningful answer because you need to put some thought into it.
Personally I haven't even had the chance to read your post (not everyone is browsing the forums 24/7).

I'd rather wait for an answer that someone actually thought through than get 100 instant replies in the form of "me too", "don't worry so much", "just try smiling" type of answers that tend to be less than helpful.
Unfortunately you never have a guarantee that someone willing to take the time happens to read your post and has the energy to respond.

I remember reading a number of your posts and I always appreciated the attention to detail and the sincerity with which you write. So I think there may be value in posting your thoughts even if there are few people who engage in a discussion. I do agree it would be nice if more people were willing to do so, but maybe trying your best to find people who are is the best answer to this. It's probably easier to connect on a deeper level in specialized communities, e.g. something like GoodReads, if you like to read.

Thanks. My interests are maybe a bit too focused (or extreme) for most people: I've never found a group apart from this where I fit in. But I do hope that when my web site is finished next year then it might open doors. As you say, thinking seriously takes a long time. I still get emails about a web site I made in 1996, and abandoned in 2001 ! So maybe the new site will be the key if I stick with it. Thanks for the support.

my car broke, I ended up spending more money last month then I meant to, $100 more.
Even if I hadn't I don't have the money to fix my car which isn't even worth the money it would cost to fix, let alone buy a new car and by new I mean 2 owners and 10-15 years old..
I have no credit so I can't get a loan for a car.
My mother is in the process of moving to another town 2 hours away and is only in town a few days a week.
So I have no support and no real chance of getting a car anytime soon.

My life is crap, and I'm just done with it all.
I've hit rock bottom and then my car broke and pushed me lower.
I can't stand being around anyone for more then 20 minutes before I want to... well frankly bash their face into a wall until they stop f*****g speaking.

I just want everything to stop.
No one would even realize I was dead for 2-3 weeks when my corps started smelling.

But then I have to be smart and realize that if I kill myself nothing good happens.
If religion is right I go to hell.
If other religions are right I come back as an insect.
If others are right I just come back as another person and statistically the chances aren't good of coming back as a privileged person.
If none of them are right, then everything just ends and frankly that's as stupid as chopping off your arm because its dislocated.

I'm too smart to kill myself, and to miserable to do anything at all, so I'm just stuck in this worthless existence and this worthless world.
No, I'm not f*****g suicidal, I'm to f*****g smart to be, I never have and I never will be, even if I wish I was.

Nobody cares, not that I blame them.
No one has ever given a s**t about me or really wanted anything to do with me.
So there you go mister "I care because no one else cares"

There is a fourth possibility: our identity is not our body but our ideas (including our genes: its all information). So we never die. Sure, bodies come and go, but ideas spread forever (unless we have really bad ideas and everybody rejects them).

You are smart. You can have ideas that live longer than you. You don't need a car or friends to have great ideas. Maybe concentrating on your ideas is an option?

No, YOU don't need friends, I do.
I have frankly not wanted anything more in my life then to actually feel like anyone cares that I exist.

Sorry, I worded that badly. I meant to say that quality matters more than quantity. E.g. do something that gets admired in just one corner of the Net. Find an area where a single intelligent addition will be appreciated. Then you will be recognized. Then you can build on that. That's what i do: one or two people on the Net appreciate it when I post about a particular comic book, and that makes a big difference. I used to post to a religious forum, and got respect there as well. It's just a start, but it is a start, and I can then move toward more substantial topics, and fall back to the comics when things get tough and I need a quick boost. Works for me.

I am sorry you are feeling bad. That sucks about your car, especially coming at a time when you could use it to visit your Mom. I don't know about you, but I really heavily on my mother to keep me grounded and stable. I know one day she'll be gone (she's 70); and I'm not sure how I will cope with that.
I'm glad you are not going to commit suicide. I've felt that way before and behaved self-destructively, but things have gotten better. You sound like you might be depressed; I don't know. If you are, a doctor and anti-depressants may be helpful. But you know your own situation best.
I hope things take a turn for the positive for you.

That's kind of how I feel half the time I post........I go all out on how I feel or something and then it seems to get met with ------ its frusterating to me to. But I suppose sometimes people don't know what to say, but I usually end up thinking its just that I'm annoying as f*ck and that explains the lack of responses.

But I kinda know the feeling anyways.

Yeah. I can see how it seems unreasonable from the outside: why should a Internet post get an instant response? But that is exactly what normal people get in the real world: if you have friends or a partner and you feel bad then you instantly get on the phone or talk to them in person. You get an instant response. The human need for an instant response is still there, even if you don't have friends.