I've been having this problem lately, I guess from sorta social anxiety. I feel like I'm seen as a loser, or a wannabe in some ways, too. And at times, just like, seeing the other people, if I'm in a bad mood, makes me just like, not go, but still want to go. The two main places are the skating rink and church.
The skating rink is like, I made a lot of social mistakes and looked like an ass my first like, few months there. The thing with skating is like, because rinks are so limited, even just in public sessions, you're gonna meet some famous people. Like there's an ISU (World figure skating body) Junior champion at my rink, ISU pair skater with a few medals under his belt, and even a recent Olympian who goes. And I made myself look like an ass in some way in front of all of them. You gonna ask how? Well, I dunno, playing Yellow Magic Orchestra while skating, my friend going into a speech in his movie preview voice going "Passion, Romance.... " about me skating in front of said Olympian, and all the figure skaters (his intent was to get the attention of some of the girls for me, and I guess his figuring was any attention is good attention.) I dunno. When I first started I was happy and confident. Now I realize I was happy and confident and a complete ass.
But, in March of next year, it'll be 2 years of me skating. I'll probably test sometime soon for Adult Bronze. I'm pretty much at Adult Bronze level without any real coaching, just me trying like hell by myself. Per the amount of time, I don't know if I did well. This year I've skated less, partially due to health (I had an infection that had me out of commission for like 2 months), but mostly just because of sorta...this anxiety I have I guess. How are other people's perceptions of me there? Do they respect me? I don't know. I have like no friends there except old people who seem to put up with me. Nobody my age at all. And no female friends (well aside from old ones) either. There's a lack of, I guess, validation from others. I like ice skating a lot, my favorite times I've gone was when I was the only one on the ice. Holidays and stuff I've gone, and I had the ice totally to myself. It was just heaven. So like, if I was the only person on Earth, I'd still ice skate. I'd ice skate all day if I could.
But at the same time, there is a part of me that wanted validation from others on some level about it. And I'm not really getting it. Validation from others is pretty much why humans do anything. We do need it on some level. So as much as I'd love to just be like "ahaha, I don't care what others think at all" I do. We all do. Even if you take the time to state that you don't care about the opinions of others, you care enough to state it. There's been studies done that happiness levels are pretty much determined by the amount of human connectedness in our lives. That's how you can see people in mudhuts in third world countries with smiles on their faces, and frowny depressed people driving BMWs in America.
So with skating, the conundrum question is like. Skating doesn't seem like it'll bring me human connectedness, and thus happiness. It's a brief escape while I'm on the ice, I guess. It keeps me from being 300lbs, too. I guess it's a more fruitful activity than like, playing Xbox all day. But as far as human connectedness, it's still the same. And if human connectedness is going to determine my happiness level, and not whether I can do an axel, or lift 300lbs, or own a sportscar, or whatever, why's it even matter what I do? Why not just stay home and play Xbox and eat a bag of chips and frozen pizzas everyday? At least then nobody will like, publicly ridicule me like I've had happen with skating. Regardless of anything I accomplish, nobody's gonna like me. I had thought people would like me if I accomplished more. That anything I could accomplish would override my apparently crappy personality. But it doesn't work like that. So why bother doing anything?
Regarding church now, this is more carryover from my old church. My new church is a lot "easier" socially than my old church. I can't like, "perform" there, either. They're kind to me regardless, which is amazing to me, as my old church was sorta ran like a cult, and people who didn't "perform" were basically yelled at and guilt tripped. But it's like, I really suck at being Orthodox Christian. I don't fast like ever. When I show up on Sundays I show up super late, usually in like yesterday's clothes, unshowered and unshaved. I get stared at walking in, I don't know if it's stares or just people like, casually looking. I don't know if it's judgemental or not. They're happy I'm there, because no young people wanna be Orthodox really. And they've basically told me like "Hey, we're just happy you're like, here." I've even gotten in regard to the lateness "You can just show up for coffee hour even." It's not like they're laying heavy burdens on me or anything. But still, I feel like, internal guilt and pressure for like, not "performing" and I still sorta feel like I'm seen as like, an idiot, there. So there's times I'll like, get to church, drive there, and not walk in, because I'm afraid of how the people will perceive me. I'm assuming most of the congregation's been told of me having mental health issues, just nonspecific. I just feel like a loser compared to other people there. But, nobody's been mean to me at all. It's different from the skating situation, where my paranoia of other people's feelings of me has basis. It's like I just assume they don't like me, just because it happens everywhere else I go. But, it's not like skating, ie, one guy I know who's sort of my coach referred to me as a "mental case" when talking to other people.
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Most of this stems from my old church. It was Charismatic, and was very evangelical. But the main draw of the church was like, the fact you'd get an instant social group. A lot of the "power of God" type stuff was just because you were connected to other people, looking back. I'd be in services 3 days a week for 3-4 hours at a time. I'd be "hanging out" at people's houses like 3 days of the week. I'd never felt anything like it before, really. I'd never had a social group like that, and a bunch of "friends." The closest thing I'd even experienced was an anime club I went to, and this made the anime club pale in comparison, the amount of "connectedness" you got. I had just constant social connectedness and friends, and it was sweet. But, there was a time when the party was over. Eventually all my eccentricities showed over time. And then after the initial shock of being involved with people, I realized I didn't like everything I was doing, and I'd reached a threshold for socialization. The problem is, I didn't know there was a threshold. I'd never like, socialized long enough to reach it and know it was there. It was a confusing feeling.
Religiously, I feel like piety was sort of equated with socialization. The youth pastor would like, exhort introverts to become extroverted so they could evangelize better. So then me being socially awkward was considered like, ungodly. Then when I needed time alone, that was even more ungodly. To be fair, coupled with all this and clouding my perceptions somewhat, there was a girl that I had unresolved feelings about who got married, too. And me not telling her how I felt was probably the worst decision of my life.
So I had the "high" of a bunch of friends. And lost all of them leaving that church, including someone I'd considered my best friend since high school. But now that I know how like, having friends feels, it's tough. It's not like I'm in any worse of a position now than after high school. I got my 3-4 friends from HS that stayed around. But now I'm unhappy, as I know how it feels, and I know I can't regain it back without it eventually just crashing again.
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I wish I could be thicker skinned. Maybe I am thick skinned compared to lots of people on this board for simply just like, going ice skating and stuff regardless of other people's opinions for so long. I mean there's people on here that struggle going grocery shopping and stuff. But I can't help but think that the rest of the world sees me like Chris Chan or something, that seems to be the reality, though. That I'm like Chris-chan or something when other people see me.
Oh well, at least there's a rink at a college near me where nobody knows me, and it's free and open to the public. Today I didn't skate at my normal rink and skated there. I like skating there as it feels like I'm on vacation or something, if that makes sense, as I don't know anyone there.
Maybe it's just stupid of me to post this long boring personal thing and I'm just dumb.
05 Nov 2012, 12:39 am
