Identity crisis

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After all the (obsessive) research about Aspergers , self judgement and preoccupation I am totally confused about how I should be, If how I am is correct. I always have some set of rules and if I stick to them, I am fine. But I am having doubts about my set of rules itself. I am totally confused. I had such a phase before but I had some kind of support system. Now I am all alone and I don't trust anyone around me to let them in and discuss this with them. People also get frustrated with me and all my questions (Which I understand). I myself am getting tired of all the questions in my head and I am getting nowhere.

I know what you mean. I have devoted my whole life to rules that I think are moral and good and exciting and sensible. And it hasn't worked. No visible results at all. But it's all I know, so I carry on.



Ask me! I love answering questions. Though I can't guarantee my answers make sense to anybody but me. I have a web site called "answers answers" because I think of so many questions and then find answers. Ask as many questions as you like. You're female: I can pretend that I'm just hanging out with a girl, so the more questions the better.

what is your web address?

It sounds good

http://answersanswers.com/test/index.html



thanks a lot for your support. My questions are mostly with interacting with people since there never seems to be a right way. I can deal with deep existential stuff myself but put me among a bunch of people my brain is over worked and I get nowhere. It seems like people I want to be friends with don't have time for me. On the other hand, I have people who are actually nice and all but bore me immensely. (ok I know this is rude.) I am in this limbo and I am tired of it.

Thanks for the plug! I must emphasize that this is not eve half finished. Hence the "test" in the link. I'm working on the underlying theory first, and will make it friendlier and easier to follow afterwards. Also, I use Aspergers in the "about me" section - might as well turn a problem into an opportunity - maybe people will think I'm like all the famous genius aspies, and not actually living alone and stacking shelves for a living.


Not my strongest area. But I can fake it OK - I serve people at the store all day.



What topics interest you? Or is it the way they talk more than what they say?

Well it is both. I can fake that for a bit say insert all nice-ities and so on. I took 2 years to get normalised to a friend who is incredibly polite. Now i feel that I have become this polite monster by imitating her. Since I act too formal and polite, others do not want to get closer with me I guess(well this is how I reasoned it atleast).
I know I suck at conversations. I can ask questions. I can try my best to lead the conversation towards my interests. But I do not know what I am doing wrong. They always want to come back to small talk. I read a lot of stuff on the internet about everything under the sun. I would like to have someone to discuss it with.
Well on an emotional and deeper level, I cannot open up to people. I am mostly closed. I see how much they say about their lives and I say something about me proportional to that. (the proportion calculation is done in my brain automatically.I do not have to think so much about it nowadays.)I also do not trust people easily. I am open to new people so that I can learn from them. A lot of people I discount/reject in the first few interactions as not worth my time since I cannot learn anything from them. Some I would like to talk more and learn but I do not know how to keep in touch.Of course there is gtalk. First few weeks I ping them a LOT about different topis. But after that I guess they get tired(or maybe they get busy) and the interactions dwindle.
There are 2 people so far (both men and live far away from me) with whom I am totally comfortable with and who are also ready to listen to my ramblings. But they are also busy and I am afraid of losing them soon if I am too pushy.

That was quite a rant! let me stop now.

I'm confused; how does this stem to identity issues? It seems more frustration with inability to understand social rules/cues.

Ya the rant was a total tangent.
Well the feedback I get from others makes me restructure my set of rules as to how to behave and "be" in general. So the point is I am confused about how to "be" since my rules are all mixed up.

Hmm....hard for me to give specifics, but I found that balance is best. Meet people halfway and they'll tend to try to meet you halfway (if they are good people, few are these days.)

I am no expert, but this sounds like classic NT/AS difference. An NT mind is tuned for socializing. An AS mind is tuned for a topic. When an NT chats about X they do not really care about X, they just use it as a way to test relationships. They want to know:
1. are you like them?
2. how are you feeling?
3. are they socially smarter than you? (i.e. can you keep up the chat at the same speed and quality as them)
4. do you care for their needs? (this includes detecting their needs without being told)

They seem to do this by rapid fire banter. They are not looking for the content of the words, but rather for how the words are used. NT conversation is like tennis. The ball is the topic of conversation. AS people like to examine the ball, but the NT person only cares about who can hit it most skillfully.

As far as I can see the AS person has four choices:
1. Give up.
2. Try really, really hard: read books on body language, cold reading, how to win friends, and how to be funny. Treat each conversation like an exam.
3. Be good at something they value, so they make the effort to listen to you.
4. Find the one person who will listen.

I have tried 1 and 2, and now I'm trying 3 and 4. 4 is the ideal, but I usually end up doing 1.


LOL I know what that's like. I work at a shop, and today somebody's change was 13.14 He said it was an important date. I was so excited! He knew about the battle of Bannockburn! So I probed further to see if he knew about the Knights Templar (they were banned in the same year, 1314) but he didn't. Like you, I have nobody to discuss stuff with. I'm interested in animals, religion, atheism, economics, comics, novels, classical music, art, philosophy, physics, metaphysics, computers... so many things. I'm not an expert, but nobody I meet IRL is interested at all, so I end up keeping quiet.


That sounds perfectly rational. You come across as someone who is intelligent and sensitive: always thinking of how the other person feels. I think if you opened up you'd be hurt. But maybe I'm being too cynical.


Sounds like my dating experience. I have to work so hard to try to think of things to say, and to react in the right way... but after a few weeks there just isn't any connection. It's like shovelling water with a fork, the water always slips away.


Been there.

LOL my rambling answer was even longer. I wish I could write as well as you do.

I usually go back and forth between 1 and 4. I used to do 2.Not actually pick up books to learn it but try out the stuff I read here and there.
3- I dont see it worth my effort.
I stick to the one person who will listen. It is also extremely painful when that person leaves. But then no pain no gain.



No you are not cynical. It is just about right. It is nor just about being hurt. Oddly I intuitively know if the other person would see me as weird or not. If they are too "normal", I would get nowhere with them. My really close friends are all "quirky"(no offense I really like them for it)


Ooh I like this analogy!


Thanks! You are quite earnest in your replies. Honestly it is scary. I do not know why. I see people making so much effort to try to help me and if I feel I am not able to do justice to it I get freaked out.

Overwhelming interest + not connecting = danger. I've scared off some very nice people that way. I don't mean to.



I think I know the feeling. I seldom ask for help, but I do write a lot on various topics. I hate it when people praise my work: in my mind, praise means they don't understand it (or understand it in a way that I can't get my head round). Either that or they're being polite before leaving. Either way I've lost them.

I love it when somebody just agrees though (without praise, unless the praise is measured and academic). But if they get too involved it never ends well. Of course, I seldom have either response, praise or agreement: the default response is drive by misunderstanding, or echoing silence. So I just build my castles in the air where nobody will see. And sometimes post here because the people here are so nice.

hmmm maybe. I am not good at connecting either.


I misread these signals and assume the opposite. Almost always. In retrospect it is quite funny.


Somehow praise makes me uncomfortable(maybe I am little embarrassed) since I judge myself too harshly though I do like that my effort is acknowledged. Also I like that people disagree with me sometimes so that I can learn more.