Feeling so low might take drastic action...please help

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Lets start from the beginning:
As a child I remember being nervous and shy, but one particular incident stands out to me. It was at my grandparents' and I saw a news report on injections and I remember being in a total state of terror, it mustve been an anxiety attack, but its stuck with me and im now 18. I also remember questioning life and a really young age, things like 'What's the point?' etc etc.

Fast forward and nearly all my problems came to a head during high school (Im English, but i'll speak like an American for the sake of most readers, whoever chooses to read this) as they usually do, my family had been going through a tough time with my sister behaving badly, getting drunk and falling in with the wrong crowd, which sounds mostly harmless, but it really affected the family unit and I was sidelined for years. I was on my own. From around grade 7 to grade 9 (im not sure when you start high school in America but anyway), I was subjected to ongoing bullying about my manner, my sexuality, hell everything about me. I was touched inappropriately in front of everybody after I had a crush on a boy and made it...rather noticeable by acting stupid around him. He strung me along for years as if he fancied me back, getting the whole year in on the joke, and I only realised after I was humiliated by him in front of the whole class. Of course behind all this was the bullying based on my shyness and introversion.

I fell into a deep depression and dropped out of school completely after grade 9, having to take all my exams at home. To regain a sense of control, I developed an eating disorder, mostly an exercise addiction. I would do six hours a day. Had there been an alcohol cabinet in my study area instead of a cross trainer, I probably wouldve become an alcoholic. Such is life.

After being in a clinic for a year, im finally having to face school again and its going terribly. Im missing lessons, sometimes just hanging about in the park all day. My avoidance of social situations is almost absolute. Ive recently been told by a psych that i do not have aspergers after all and that I have social anxiety. Something that I had let define me for years is suddenly gone and im in a state of disbelief! Im lost and this social anxiety/aspergers/both/whatever is completely debilitating.

Ive reached the point where im now contemplating suicide seriously, finding out possible methods and thinking where I could go in my area tonight. I am languishing and I am desperate, please help me.

I want REAL opinions, not a psychiatric assessment. I figured that if there was anywhere for me to rant and have people on my level, it would be here.
Thanks.

Hi, please do NOT kill yourself, there is too much to live for. School was terrible for me too, the people in it were terrible but not everybody is like that. If you stick around here you might make some friends that care for you and won't string you along. I went to an aspie meetup in Manchester not long ago and I'll PM you the website if you like, everyone's really nice there and you'd be more than welcome at the next meetup. Is there any way you could study from home? I don't have any brothers or sisters so I'm not sure how to advise you what to do about your sister, sorry. Hope this helps. Remember you are not alone. Everyone here will listen to you and help you however they can

Thanks for the reply but no, Ive already exhausted the all the other options and, to put it very bluntly, the only options left are school, job or suicide. There are always things that do hold me back, like the view from my loft skylight, my dog, the prospect of a relationship etc but all these things are fading in my mind. Another thing holding me back is the prospect of meeting a like minded person at an aspie meetup like you suggested. I'd be interested in the details, and hey, if I want to do something like that I should stick around My mood is very erratic though.

You said you were English and my advice is based on that.

If you are serious about hurting/killing yourself, go to the nearest Accident & Emergency Department and tell them that you are thinking of doing this. They will triage you (a nurse will ask you some questions about how you are feeling and take blood pressure etc). Then you'll wait for a doctor who'll ask you all the same questions and if you are honest about how you are feeling (or print off your post and take it with you to show them if you don't feel you can talk) they will call the psychiatric liaison team.

If you can't manage this because of the face-to-face aspect then call the Samaritans : 08457 90 90 90
Or call NHS Direct: 0845 4647

It doesn't matter what the label is for your problems, they are clearly overwhelming you and you need to find help. Folk here can empathise with your difficulties and might be able to offer some advice (sadly I can't), but the important thing right now is for you to get help so you don't kill yourself...

(BTW, I am currently in psychiatric hospital and am having real difficulty with meals because of the social aspect of having to go into the dining room and get my meal (I have permission to eat by my bed rather than in the dining room but I still have to go there to get the meal!)... today I haven't eaten anything because I couldn't force myself to go to breakfast, lunch or supper ... so I understand avoiding social situations!)

Please do not even contemplate suicide. High school won't last forever, that's a fact. High school was horrific for me too, I was being bullied all the time, but, after it was over and I went to college, I found out that college students act totally different than high school students. I also volunteered for an NGO and also found out that the people who worked there were different than my high school peers as well. Bullying will be over when you finish high school. Just hold on unto your life and it will get better, if you go to college or start working. Hold on to each and every little thing you love and that makes life worthwile...

You have probably developed social anxiety as a result of your traumatic experiences with your classmates and/or other peers. But you can have both Asperger's and social anxiety. I had social anxiety since I was in kindergarten, for years and years. I worked through it in therapy and, by 24 years of age, I mostly got rid of it. That's when I noticed that I still wasn't like the other people and researching my other quirks led me to the AS diagnosis. So yes, you can have both, it's not like you lost your AS if you developed social anxiety (no matter what your psych says). The good news is that social anxiety can be treated. You'll still be an Aspie, but an anxiety-free one.

Your best option is to go for some counselling/psychotherapy. It can be a tremendous help. There is also anti-depressant medication available. If you are currently on a medication course and you still have suicide thoughts, maybe it's not working properly and you need to find another meds. There are many alternatives.

And we are here to provide support for our Aspie brothers and sisters. You're not alone. Don't give up on your life. It's just beginning and it will get better...

_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

I really value you as a WrongPlanet member and I would be sad if you committed suicide. I think you should see a therapist for your social anxiety and suicidal thoughts. My brother used to have social anxiety but he got so much better after being on medication for a little while and seeing a therapist. Please don't give up. If you've hit rock bottom, there is no way to go but up.