why bother?

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seriously I cannot find any reason, I mean what to continue living in misery and try to pretend not to be miserable just in the name of not dragging people down with you? Its just getting very frusterating, not sure how to deal with it. But seriously I already know it would make people sad if I offed myself, but even so maybe they'd get over it and have a better life anyways, without me hanging around to burden everyone. I suppose I hope that I will find a reason each day I force myself to try and keep going no matter how suicidal I feel. Tried the strangling method, but that just causes me to panic and back out at the last minute.

just for anyone who cares to read, don't blame people for not wanting to...it is more depressing crap from 'sweetleaf' after all. So sorry for troubling you all with this again.

It's okay. Everyone has bad days, it gets better. It doesn't feel like it now, but it always does, even if it's just for a little while. Keep on breathing.

It's not a bad day this has lasted for months...just been pushing through as best I can. And as far as I can tell it only gets worse not better, so telling myself it will get better doesn't help since that is usually proven wrong. Everyone says it gets better but it never really does. Sure I can feel better for a while with the right drugs but other than that I don't experience those feelings that make people want to live it seems.

But yeah I suppose breathing is good, might be inhaling cigarette smoke in a minute though...ha ha.

Heh, nothing wrong with that. I'd love one but I can't, hope its calmed you, even just for a bit.

Hey, this is The Haven. Everyone has got to vent somehow, honestly don't worry about it. I'll post again later after I wake up, not sure what to say... Feel free to pm me or whatever, I don't mind.

I was being kind of hard on myself, then shortly after I posted this I freaked out because I thought I lost my patch vest, that would upset any metalhead but It got a bit out of hand, I feel kind of embarrassed and idiotic about it since it turns out it was in my friends room and I freaked out couldn't keep from banging things and screaming in frustration so I went outside a few times to do it. probably scared away any nearby animals and potentially the neighbors. Guess I should have gone to sleep before the alcohol wore off since earlier I was drinking with friends.

But yeah that's the whole reason I posted because I was feeling down about still having that stupid numb/empty feeling where enjoyment and other such feelings should be...even though I was hanging out with people. I know I can vent here, I just have annoying thoughts that wont stop bothering me about 'no one wants to hear it.' and 'even if you attempt suicide you'll probably just fail again and be even worse off....but clearly you don't have the guts anyways' so grrr I don't even know what that is but I shouldn't be in a constant battle with my own thoughts though what I describe comes off a little stronger than thoughts in that thoughts don't typically have opinions I don't think.

I'd be pissy as well if I lost my patch jacket, only have one with a giant Jane Doe patch on the back, really need another. I'm always leaving things in obvious places, I know plenty of other people who do the same. Who cares? I bet you felt better after you screamed, banged around & found your vest. I know how easy it is to beat yourself up over the tiniest things, very hard to block out those thoughts but I just ask myself why?

Mm, that emptiness usually hits me a lot harder if I'm surrounded by people, even if they're people I really care about. Yeah, that empty void is insanely hard to fill.. I hope one day you'll find something that'll make you happy, I know it seems like it'll never happen but life is pretty uncertain, you never know.

Damn that all seems bloody optimistic but I guess I don't care, its how I feel.

In the Flesh? huh? I love and hate The Wall. Very hard for me to listen to, was going to see Roger Waters earlier in the year but I decided not to.

Well look on the bright side: you are perfectly equipped to live in this rotten world, you come pre-depressed. Now go out there and get on with your life.

^

difficult, but advice for me as well.

I hate it when people guilt-trip me about being unhappy. I wasn't quite sure from your post, but I gather this is part of what's happening for you? That people act like it's somehow amoral to be depresssed because it's not fair on the people around you?

That attitude upsets me because it's a million times harder to be the depressed one than to be one on the outside being affected by it. The people who complain that you're bringing them down obviously haven't been able to do enough to make you feel ok, yet they expect you to cheer up anyway. Making people feel guilty about feeling suicidal is awful. You're already feeling so bad you don't want to be here, and they're reminding you of the effects it will have on other people. They'd rather see you continue in misery so they don't have to feel bad.

And I also find people talk as if there's no genuine reason to be unhappy. I have very real reasons to be depressed - the only way I could feel happy is if I was delusional. Some of these ideas sound like things counsellors and therapists say. They say happiness is a matter of perception or that depression is always due to chemical imbalances in the brain. They don't seem to realise that real problems exist too.

I think the only real solution is to fix the things that are makng you unhappy - though that's probably impossible or you'd have done it already. Rather than trying to change your mindset, change your circumstances so you have reasons to be happy. Or is it different for you? Are you unhappy with no real reason for it, because that can happen too. Hang in there and don't let people make you feel bad for feeling bad. If you feel bad - you do. You're entitled to. But do try and keep yourself safe - things might still get better.

If I ask myself why, then my mind comes up with all kinds of 'interesting' answers.........seems like the only thing that comes close to filling the void is drugs prescription, street whatever though i know the most any drug can do is relieve symptoms or make them worse but whatever...I am sick of trying to live up to everyone's standards or hiding the more taboo things I indulge in.

As for The Wall its my favorite floyd album, I do relate to the movie as well.....can't say for sure if I like it or not but I can relate to it, and well don't watch that movie on psychedelic mushrooms........I decided to do that once and it was f***d up. I did actually go to that Roger Waters show and it was good but yeah its certainly not a very happy album and/or concert. But yeah i honestly have rather mixed feelings about it. I mean I've been obsessed with Pink Floyd since I was like 15 but unlike with other bands its not just the music that intrests me, they seem to be the band that repressents madness in musical form...and that is why I got into them initially because I could relate to that madness.........at the time I got into the music though I did not realize it would happen to me to. Figured I just understood it but could overcome it I don't know its hard to describe my exact feelings of why I have this obsession.

Did you ever move forward with moving out of your house?

No, as if that's a surprise.

Sorry you feel that way. You're not alone.

Mm also happens when I ask myself why? I come up with all these crazy answers. Hard to ignore but I think it helps remind me not to beat myself up over every little trivial thing. Yeah I tried to fill it with drugs but its only a temporary relief, that just doesn't work for me I need something permanent so I'm filling it with interests - music, writing & spending time with close friends even though I still feel alone & f***ed up sometimes. Don't bother about everyone, its ridiculous to try and do that. Just live to yours & share your life with people that you truly care about/connect to if thats what you want.

Ah okay, Animals, Wish & Dark Side are my favourites. I do really like The Wall though I don't listen to it much but I think the reason why I also hate it is because I can relate to it. I guess I just don't like the sad reality of it, you know in Outside the Wall how there's the "Isn't This Where We Came In?" looped between it and In the Flesh?? I always picture Pink is stuck in that loop even though the wall has been knocked down or someone else will use the leftover bricks to build their own wall, I don't like the full circle idea. I think in the movie at the end the children reassemble the bricks or collect them altogether, not sure though. Ha no thats always sounded like it'd be a bad trip, I've seen the film twice and both times I was high off Sativa. I couldn't take it seriously at all, the very first time I saw it I passed out during The Trial. I think I have mixed feelings as well about Floyd, I guess I prefer the other albums more so (specifically Dark Side) because the concept isn't as clear but its still pretty dark I suppose, I try not to think about it & just enjoy it.

Yeah I think they're also one of my favourite bands because of that lunacy that surrounds them, it really is musical madness thats also why I like Swans. Mm, its extremely hard for me to describe to someone why it is I love them.

Wow I really hate anxiety, it's been hitting me pretty hard for a couple hours now. Not so much thoughts but the physical crap like increased heart rate, trying not to grind my teeth, sweating a lot and a bit of shakiness like physical fear symptoms, fear of what I really have no idea but it makes me feel pathetic. Anyways going to hide under a blanket till my brother gets here and hopefully hanging out with him will help me feel better hope so cause hes wanted to see me since I was up at my friends for like a week so I want to be in an ok mood.

Its only ever the physical stuff that really bugs me, been okay lately. Anyways hope your brother is cheering you up.