scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

Post Reply New Topic

-5

Partly, due to dysthymia.. mostly due to the entire last year having been a drawn out relentlessly agonizing s**t show.. for not having really progressed much with my mental health issues; just exhausting myself to mask way more than is safe for my sanity..

All that BS maintined, despite being incredibly proactive in multiple mental health support groups, and seeing my main therapist 3 times a week and my trauma resolution therapist once a week... Ain't got s**t resolved, but I tried.. Even did a workshop 12 week workshop, trying to learn new techniques to lesson my suffering..

It all feels like wasted effort that only gave me false hope to stop me from ending it all, just for a little longer..

2022 doesn't seem any more promising, conpared to the last two years.. I don't care if I live, but I'd prefer to die, before the new year.

A big flat 0. A couple of months on Prozac now and my mood isn't too bad although I feel quite frustrated with my lack of brain activity.

neutral/negative dreaming of a home and still in sickness

I had a couple of good memories in those white corridors. My PTSD buddy would stop some of the less affected people from cutting in front of me in the daily pill collection line. I was sorta apathetic there, and he'd help me move around too. He was a good man. I remember rocking in the hallway in a chair outside my room and a visitor smiling at me as she walked by, who I can see clear as day. I would have had the deadest expression a human can make, yet she still smiled. It's just those little things, things that people don't have to do, but they do, and at the time, it feels like everything. You don't forget it. My mother coming up as much as she could was what kept me going there. My father and sister were there occasionally.

The recent time, I was alone, but not as displaced in space, as the first time is the one that hits you the hardest and takes your brain away. I was probably more broken here in reality, just differently. Being displaced can make it feel better, where it's a blur. It was far more clinical, like I've been there before numerous times (which is correct). I didn't get to know anyone (yeah, I was probably more broken), though I shared the same things as I do each time. Some new stories from recent things, from those nameless men. I had thoughts of my mother and her (sorry) to keep me going, and they were the good memories.

positive those small things aren't small, and they're the greatest of things

Thank you. Truly. There's light I see and feel, a healing light.

positive alternating current wireless smoke signals

I slept well, knowing she's alive, knows and understands. The connection is still there in some way. Thank you. I had one of those good sighs, a first in a long time.

More of the nameless were around my age this time, whereas the first time I was probably the youngest; likely why the guy helped me (I didn't need it, but I won't forget it), or maybe because I looked like a hollow man. I didn't see anyone with that dead stare the recent time, which would be a good thing. I had it still. More lightness, more laughs, from the others. I remember the first time an old lady there for long-term care would walk up to me and put her hand on my chest when I'd stumble around, which her carer said meant she liked me; maybe she saw something left there, who and what I was before. Maybe I looked like her son. I didn't look at anyone this time, so I don't know if anyone smiled, which would have been the last of me leaving in those halls. Maybe that'll be the last time. I probably could have gone back a few weeks ago, but I didn't, because I was needed and I'm not afraid anymore. Pairs card game is quite good for the mind if you're ever in those halls (especially modified where you give yourself limited turns). Maybe it's called Match elsewhere. I played it by myself, but maybe I didn't there.

No seizures this morning. Thunder is talking to me now, but I'm ok with that. There's fear, anger and hate with you mister Thunder, but good things can come from such all the same.

±0

-6 I was pretty depressed yesterday but feel a little better today.

Hopefully you continue to feel better there -6.

neutral/negative not bad, memories of fun, not all trauma is created equal, made to walk that lonesome road

There was a funny "incident" back during the first time, when being trapped in a state of terror via flashback a little after midnight, I grabbed the phone and called a number from memory for help (it wasn't a phone number). Someone answered (apparently it was). So, yeah. I only found out about that one the next day when the poor people called the hospital up and asked what was going on. I thought it was funny anyway, not at the time, and not for them, but it's just how things touch your mind, and sometimes they can manifest in strange and quite sad ways. I went through a few roommates that go; they came and went as the weeks went on.

I had a couple of groups. The one of nameless men is the easier one there. Yeah. Maybe I would have been better with just the one rather than two. Both messed my trust up and made me avoid others, just different reasons for each of them. It's quite sad, actually. I've accepted it all and no real point dwelling there, but it does help explain those trust and avoidance things, and it's sad it ended up affecting others. I probably should never have spoken to anyone socially, and just carried it till my end, as I was emotionally a mess (my personality isn't, which is another one of those sad things). What's done is done, and all I can really do is apologize as much as I can, and hope for forgiveness.

7. I feel very lucky and don't know what to do with all the love people are giving me. I feel like i didn't do anything to deserve it.

5.

I'm trying to hold on to that warm and fuzzy feeling of content I felt yesterday on my afternoon walk. It felt like someone was giving me a hug.

Now, frustration festers. Just hoping the up and coming mental health treatment I'm receiving will help.

-8.5

I'm on quarantine with all the symptoms of Omicron.

I likely got it from the vaccine clinic where I took my mother on Thursday.

5.
I got a cold right now... runny nose, mild recurring headache, lots of sneezing. But my energy levels barely affected, its more an inconvenience than anything. Symptoms are always shifting. First throat & headache, then runny nose & headache, now runny nose & neckache. It seems to be clearing fast. It should be gone soon. To be on the (un)safe side, i threw more than enough vitamins, minerals at the thing.

I get like flu maybe once or twice a decade. Colds are quite rare. last time i got asick was 6years ago. A serious case of flu, fatigue for a week or two.

negative a couple of gin and tonic-clonics, thanks

At least she felt good with these seizures. She had some mild euphoria and pleasing visual hallucinations ("... walking through a purple world."). She didn't know I was there at all and clapped for me to come when it ended but wasn't fully aware. When she sorta came to and was a little more lucid, she had a beautiful smile and informed me she was happy to see me (haven't heard that one in a long time from a human). 46 seconds for 1st. 84 seconds for 2nd. Seems like she had quite a bit of Serotonin and Dopamine release as the brain tried to correct everything. Afterwards, she just worries of being a bother to me because I'm apparently delicate to everyone that's been around me in the painful world, even by those that don't know much about me. I guess I should take that hint. Sometimes people can see you better than you can. I cry afterwards. I never cried after the bad stuff. I can't show her my red eyes, as it'll just make her feel bad.

Back to daydreaming of that world with the blue skies to escape this painful world as I live day to day. Yeah, I'm quite a sad sack of a human, but sad isn't that bad when it's all you have at the forefront when it comes to happy thoughts. Not much else in the brain than things I can't think about and the bad stuff (I feel sore that the bad stuff will affect and has affected my mother for just going through it all with me when she could, and she'll see it when she sees me). Medication isn't doing all that much for me, even the good stuff.

-10

Those bad nightmares and a fun flashback where I apparently cleared the upper story of the house very early in the morning. Fun times. My old psychiatrist was pretty good to talk to about these things, but he died too.

Whatever.

At least you didn’t actually fall from the building.

I have these sorts of dreams, too. Sometimes, they feel real for an hour after awakening.