Deprived, Resentful, and Selfish

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Okay, first off, this post is probably going to be a hit or miss. Either I'm going to say something, come off as an insufferable b***h, a spoiled brat, or something of the like, or I'm going to sound like I usually do. I just need to get this off my chest, even if it sounds awful, I suppose.

I'm sure that my dad is in the middle of a mid-life crisis right now, even though he denies it. He's been buying all kinds of things... new vehicles (a mustang, a new truck), a motor home, ect.. Meanwhile, I've been asking him for things that I've been needing for a long time now. If you've read my other post in the Haven by chance, you might remember that I'm very aware of whether or not I'm being selfish/needy, in a bad way. I've been trying not to be because of reasons I'll state later in this post.

I'm very attached to my computer. To feel 'right', I need to have constant visual and mental stimulation which is also interactive. This is hard to get from television or anything else. If I don't get this, I feel lethargic. I'm also very attached to my computer because it's like a bit of a "special interest". All my hobbies revolve around it, and it's a huge stress reliever. To sum this up, my computer is very important to me, to the point where I wouldn't last long without a meltdown/shutdown should it break. My computer has also been dying for a long time and can no longer support my habits, leading to me constantly walking on eggshells when it comes to putting stress on it. Hence, me asking for a new one months before he started doing all this. I can't really enjoy myself so I've been running on a constant level of stress because I'm afraid to really let myself go and relax using it.

My dad has been looking at a boat for a while now, and yesterday evening at nine o'clock, when it looked like someone was trying to scoop the sale he'd been watching, he jumped up and planned an impromptu road trip to British Columbia to look at the boat, and now he'll be away for days (which I can handle, but that's not the problem). He didn't even stop to think about any of the plans we had beforehand.

Simply, I've been feeling a little deprived, and like my dad might be being a little selfish (I'm reluctant to admit it, fully). I know that he's the one that earns all the money, working so hard. I know that he's spent years raising both me and my brother as a single parent. When his girlfriend was abusive towards me, he kicked her out of the house and ended their relationship so I wouldn't have to deal with it any longer. He goes out of the way to take me places, since I have very low independence and tend to have anxiety-induced meltdowns when I go some place alone for the first time. I mean, thinking about it logically, how can I talk to my father about being selfish with the funds when I owe him so much. Plus, he is the one who would be making the purchase, which makes it feel even worse.

I guess what's makes it so frustrating is that, because of all this, he's almost beyond reproach. Just asking him nicely if he's been looking causes him to go off on a lecture about patience (which I've been showing), which sometimes, because I have a constant low mood, I can't handle. For me, it would be enough if I knew I could bring it up if it becomes unbearable. But because of these things, I can't. I've even been afraid to bring up the fact that I'm running low on clothing that doesn't have holes because I don't want to get in his way (out of obligation because he takes care of me so much as well as fear of a lecture). I've been anxious and a tiny bit resentful over this, and feeling like I'm in a bind and can't do anything about tends to make it worse.

I don't want to feel selfish, and I don't want to feel like a bad daughter either. I also don't want to be constantly craving fattening food because of the stress I've been feeling.

I do agree that your father is in the wrong by spending so much on himself, and none on you. His "patience" lectures sound like excuses to spend even more money on himself to me! Maybe tell him you feel like he's unapproachable, and why you feel this way? I don't know...