being inappropriate - inappropriate being

Post Reply New Topic

Some times its so hard to hold it together. I am such a wrong person. Truly, I'm ok with myself. I believe what I read in the Bible, that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I learned this as a child and have never had a reason to doubt it. I'm a good and honest person. I don't cheat or lie. I help others where I can. I compost. But... people... everywhere I exist... tell me, or demonstrate to me in some way, that my behavior is inappropriate.

My usual reaction to this is to just blow it off and move on. I used to try to defend myself, but it's not worth the energy because the results are never good. I press on, take the next step, wherever it may be, usually in a new direction. What else am I supposed to do?

In the neighborhood where I live, the woman directly upwind and next door would not be careful with her trash. Once a week, as we picked up our dogs' poop, we also picked up an entire bag of trash blown over from her house - and that's just what got caught by my fences and bushes. A lot of it got blown down the line. Occasionally, there would also be loaded baby diapers and beer bottles thirty feet into our yard that I don't think were blown there by the wind. We mentioned it to them and things escalated to where we were eventually calling Code Enforcement and even the police to force her to keep her trash in her trash cans. This woman, in turn, has gone around to all the other neighbors, bearing tales and now, because I also have a problem with another neighbor's kids riding dirt bikes in my yard and tearing up my landscaping, I am the pariah of the neighborhood. When I walk my dogs down the street, people I don't even know actually yell unkind things at me. I really struggle with it all because according to everything I know, my behavior was appropriate yet I'm perceived as being inappropriate.

My daughter and I had a fight after 6 months of my trying to get her to clean up her bedroom that had spilled into the living room. I was sick with a lung infection and not wanting to really have to do this with a 19 yr. old, so I will take responsibility for not being 100% (though, I'm not going to beat myself up over it) but things came to a head, I blocked her phone service that I was paying for, she attacked me physically, I defended myself and overpowered her (I'm a giant, she's not), she ran out of the house into a rainy night and that's the last I saw of her. I searched for her for 2 weeks before I found out where she was and that she was safe. Her friends were really mean to me and hiding her out. It was such a nightmare, especially being so sick and not in control of anything. That was almost 3 years ago. It's still a nightmare.

Daughter says I was abusive and beat her all the time. I did not. I tend to hard-line my decisions, once made, but I don't think I was unfair. I definitely didn't beat her. I rarely spanked my kids and her, never. She never needed it. She says I resented her for "ruining my life" and that nothing she ever did was good enough for me and I'm blown away. I was always her biggest fan - I had to be told to calm down, that I was embarrassing her, I thought she was so wonderful. She has an amazing voice that I promoted every chance I got. She wanted to study art and I gladly spent my last dime, every week, buying more canvases and paints. I really believed what I said. I don't even know who this girl is or what it is I've done that is so unforgivable. She has a husband and son that I've never been allowed to meet. I email her and ask and she responds with the vilest filth and I beat myself up going back over every detail. What did I do? What can I do? She wants me to not exist anymore. How do I do that? She's my child. If I'm not her mother, I'm nothing.

When I was in 2nd grade, I was on the playground with my friends, the guys from my neighborhood. We were playing kickball, like usual. The principal had been observing and called me into his office to tell me I was being unladylike. To help me gain control over my behavior, he made me spend the next three days worth of recesses with my nose to The Wall, the one by the drinking fountain so everyone would see you getting punished. He didn't like me. He didn't like who I was. My behavior bothered him. I had no idea what I'd done wrong except be a girl. I was crushed but still had to go to school for another 10 years.

So, I'm here at Wrong Planet and I try to write what I think and feel and it's happening again. In reading the information about this site, I thought it was a place where I would be safe, but I don't feel safe. I got attacked for something I wrote out of honesty and it's not the first time. Then I got accused for being offensive on purpose, to what end, I'm not sure, but the accusation was really hurtful. Then I had my honest statements characterized as dumb. I always just say or feel the wrong thing. I can't help how I am - I've been trying all my life but I fail because I am what I am. People are always demanding I accept them for who they are but no one offers me the same courtesy in return. My "offensive" words were removed because even though they were real, they were inappropriate. I just feel so assaulted, like the world thinks I should be removed because I am an inappropriate being.

I know that kind of frustration, though I wouldn't define my entire self as inappropriate. If anything, when we realize the vanity of proving ourselves to people who have their picayune minds made up and choose not to waste our energy on them, I cannot think of anything closer to what Jesus meant by "the meek", and in that the meek are promised to inherit the Earth. Inherit has stronger connotations than merely being allowed to borrow it for a while in the manner that Lucifer is.

My own feelings on your feeling frustration is different. I realized that having AS is like giving people a green light not to like you. This is what I feel you are frustrated about. I have numerous times asked myself "what have I ever done to that person for them to act that way". I have come to the conclusion that I am disliked because I am different; I have Aspergers. People shun us like we don't exist, tell lies about us and treat us like we're pieces of #*#&.. Unfortunately, it goes with the territory. I think we just have to realize that people in general are not going to like us. We are not herd animals, we stand out.

unduki, this summarizes my experience with numerous people throughout the course of my life. What I always found perplexing about it was the fact that even if I didn't like someone, I still tolerated their existence and didn't try to control them. People weren't as affording with me.



I actually just touched upon this point in a different post. I hold people here, self-proclaimed Aspies, to a higher standard than the NTs, so when I see people here behave this way, it really is disappointing. I've been there. I've seen cliques among the Mods and users they like, and how they readily take sides. I've been berated for being misunderstood by people here. I've had people not even hear me out and threaten to report me simply for not understanding something I've said. But I myself could never act that way, and I don't see how anyone here of all places could. I think, in part, some people here secretly wish they could be NT so much, that this becomes the fantasy world where they can live out what they can never be in the real world. Of course, from our perspective unduki, it's just pitiful. So understand you're not alone in being misunderstood by users and mistreated by Mods. I'm not all that impressed with a lot of what I see here.



This is well articulated, Aspinator. We are not herd animals. And that's not meant to be a good thing or a bad thing, it just is. We will never be one of them, so why even bother trying to be? Especially after seeing how they act, collectively.

I'm reading a lot of wisdom here. Thanks. I appreciate those taking the time to answer my post.

The idea that we are not herd animals is intriguing. A little light just clicked on.

Aspinator, I really don't like what you wrote about people not liking us because of AS but I have to admit you're right. It's sad, isn't it? ... a waste of possibility.

The worst part is that no matter what, I can't stop being myself. As I plunge ahead in life it's going to happen over and over. LOL I guess I just need to accept it. People are going to treat me like sh#* for the rest of my life.