Abuse or self inflicted?

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Ok im not going into the long story as i feel its not important, so here goes:

Im 30 something, living with partner and baby. Financially we are ok, and there are no problems with the house.
My problem is that a family member keeps turning up uninvited, and proceeds to lecture me about my life, and how bad it is. This family member is terrifiying - my entire life ive never been able to look this person in the eye and hold my ground. They can beat you down with their IQ, enourmous list of life experiences and knowledge that makes them better than anything you can possibly put back.
The argument recently was that the pyschologist, mental health link worker and gp that helped towards my diagnosis cant have been properly trained or arent real GP's because my diagnosis isnt possible in an adult. Also that i wasnt like this as a child.
This family member wasnt present for my childhood - not mentally anyway - worked all the time, but when was at home spent time staring into space, fiddling with a pen or watch strap.
If i distrubed this family member, they would explode in rage and throw things around.
My family split up when i was 14-16 (fuzzy memory) and i had to live with this family member for another 3-4 years - constantly under barrage of arguments and such. I remember feeling like a piece of krap then, and even to this day when i hear their voice.
Yesterday this family member came over (unannounced, again) and proceeded to push past me into my home - they wouldnt listen to what i had to say, and proceeded to rage at me again regarding my Aspie diagnosis infront of my partner and baby. The family member refused to leave the house, claiming that i was being rude, and that i wasnt listening to them. The incident was about 3 hours long, and left me feeling weak and shakey, confused and with an enourmous migraine that wouldnt shift all night.
I ended up going for a 4 hour walk and after 5 Ibuprufen it shifted, but today i feel groggy, tired, and drained. Im also shut in my dining room with all the curtains shut and the lights off with headphones on hiding because the family member may or may not be coming round today to "fix" my tv aerial for my baby to watch tv at xmas. Things like this are regular btw - i dont actually get ASKED - ppl just turn up and do things.

What i want to know is, is it my fault? What am i doing wrong? Why wont they leave me alone?
I dont know where to go for help, i have no friends that are local, my partner doesnt understand and wont talk to this family member, and i have no car.
This morning i went walking again, and where it not for the fact that i forgot my wallet, i wouldnt have come home. I was prepared to leave and go somewhere else and start all over again.
I dont know what to do.

Pre note - you cannot simply tell this family member not to come round. They turn up every day banging on the door and ring non-stop - which is more phsycologial torture for me and ive had enough of that.

That sounds like harassment actually, if they do not live in your house it is your choice whether they are allowed to come over or not. If they keep persisting even if you don't let them in that is harrassment. You could lock this family member out and call the cops if they wont get off your property and keep banging on the door. I mean family or not they are harrasing you so you should do what you can to get them out of your life.....if nessisary maybe even get a restraining order or something.

Just some ideas, I haven't had a situation quite like that so I don't know quite what you should do....but I know I wouldn't want to put up with a jerk like that.

Is this person on the spectrum? or is there some other diagnosis?

Sounds like bullying! It is your home and you decide whom you want to see.

It also sounds as if you have trouble staning up for yourself (I do not really have any advice on this as I am not the best to do this for myself). Your spouse should support you, are you sure that you have communicated your problems in a clear way (like in this post) if you have, I do not really see any excuse for not standing up for you.

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Been there done that

Oh should probably note:

family member does not consider there is anything "wrong" with themselves, person is not on the spectrum (but exhibits unusual traits) - person is "self made" and came from hard life but learnt to cope, just like everyone else etc etc.

Apparently not...most people don't force themselves into peoples homes when they aren't invited.

How do they get in? Do they have a key or do you leave the front door open? Who are they related to - you or your partner?

Related to me, they knock at door, i open it, they push it open and walk in with a cheery "hello how are you doing?" and im standing there speechless.
Getting so bad i dont want to answer the door.

What if you don't open it? I mean it seems like you probably shouldn't be answering the door as is so it makes sense not to want to.

I know it seems rude, but you are not required to answer the door whenever someone knocks on it. Do you have a window or peep hole where you can see who is at the door without opening it? If not, I think a peep hole is pretty cheap and easy to install. If you look outside and see your relative standing there, you don't have to answer the door.

If you do have to have contact with them, try practicing ahead of time what you need to say. Maybe write out an explanation of how you feel and lay down a rule as forcefully as you can limiting how they are allowed to contact you, then memorize what you wrote and practice saying it.

This family member is very overbearing. It violates your boundaries to come into your house when you didn't invite them, to go on and on about how messed up your life is, etc.

You need to decide if you are willing to have this person in your life at all, and if so, under what circumstances. It will be hard, but you will have to set new boundaries with them. Usually, when you try to do this with someone who's used to walking all over you, there is a big fight or a lot of resistance on their part. They think they can just push you down, then go about doing what they always do. You have to show them that that will not work anymore.

If you really would rather they didn't come around anymore, you are going to have to make that clear. You will have to specifically say it and prepare a response for all the BS you are going to immediately hear from them. The best thing is to explain your position one time in a letter, email, on the phone or in person. It should be short and to the point. You cannot let them cut you off; you may have to be forceful.

Next you have to have a phrase ready that you intend to repeat when the family member replies. This is your broken-record phrase, and you will say it over and over. You will not answer questions, engage in an argument, "talk it out" or rationalize your position. You will only repeat this phrase. It can be something like, "Mom, I appreciate your concern, but I don't need any advice about my doctor." or "Dad, I know you are just trying to help, but my partner and I and our baby need more time alone. You need to call me first before you come over." or "Aunt Edna, it's so nice to see you, but we are busy today and can't talk. I've got to go, bye-bye!" Then Aunt Edna might try to push you out of the way, or dismiss what you said. So you have to repeat: "Sorry, I am busy today and can't talk. Bye!" over and over. Don't say anything else bc it gives her a foothold to start an argument or wear you down. If you have to, keep you door closed when you say it, or keep the chain on it so she can't open it all the way or push past you.

There's a pattern of her bullying you, and bullies don't like it when you stand up for yourself and set boundaries. You can expect drama at first, but you must stand your ground. In time, she will give up and learn she cannot walk all over you anymore.

Ok - im going to do a letter i think - that means i wont be cut off in mid sentence anymore - altho i do have the feeling that the excrement is going to hit the rotating wind device on this one.
Wish me luck!

Good luck dealing with this family member.

If he does not respond to firm but polite requests to leave you alone, then I would consider speaking to the Police about it, as he has no business coming on your property and harassing you. He may feel strongly about something, but you have a right to a peaceful home life, and I would not tolerate that kind of behaviour from him.

May I ask what this family member would say in his defence if he was spoken to about his conduct?

Family member is "self rightous" and as a result will not be spoken to by anyone - i cannot remember a time when this family member was EVER spoken down to - the situation is that you will be spoken to, weakness and flaws found, and then YOU will recieve a lecture for daring to approach them.

Well, then, this person is very abusive. If an abusive person will not change, it is best to cut them out of your life. You are not on this earth just so they can mistreat you. You also have to think about your baby- do you really want him/her exposed to this much abuse? It isn't good to have that negativity around your child, even if it's not directed at him/her.

I think your idea of writing a letter is a good one. Then you will not be interrupted.