I frustrate myself and others around me

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I hate myself. My self esteem so wrapped up around what other think of me. This looks needy so I try really hard to not look needy. This also sucks because once the person who makes me feel good leaves after getting a dose of my can of worms, I am back to being miserable.
It seems I always manage to convey the opposite of what I intend. I demand too much time from people around me and just want them to disappear when I am done. People do not comprehend that. I cannot mask my emotions and I hate that. I am scared of opening up to anyone because I am almost always sure that they would get irritated with my loop/cycle of thoughts and they would think "why the f*** is she cribbing so much anyway. Her life isn't all that bad". Well if people here have observed my posts closely maybe this is what they also think. I keep going on and on about the same crap. I am so wrapped up in myself and I crib that nobody has enough time for me. That is because they have their own lives with other people also in it. And even after a bout of socialization when I actually need to be alone I go back to this loop that others going back to their SO or someone else but I come back to be alone which frankly makes no sense. I contradict myself and frustrate myself with all this. I wish I could shut MYSELF out and escape from myself. I don't want to dump it again on one or two people who put up with me me so I come here to WP and say the same things over and over and over....

That's ok. Here, we're into repetition.

I can definitely relate to this and frankly, I have gotten to the point where I just don't care what people think anymore, the only person I have to live with is myself... if I'm constantly making myself unhappy trying to live up to others expectations and ideals of me... well that leaves me with a very unhappy me that I can't stand.

The looping thoughts are driving me insane, I can't make decisions because there are too many options with equal weight, every point has a counterpoint equally valid... I know how much this sucks. It's hard to find a center, a "me" that will guide rather than steer me off course... whatever that course is.

What would make you happy?

Same boat, different passengers - dont need ppl, but want ppl to interact with - meet someone new, smother them with attention, new person leaves or is scared off. Vicious cycle.
Doomed to live alone? Who knows...