I feel useless...

Post Reply New Topic

I'm not having a meltdown, and I don't feel suicidal. But....I am having trouble coping with life and the fact that I am *not* going through a major depressive episode, no major crises have occurred lately and I am not even working or parenting all of my kids full time makes me wonder why I'm feeling this way and what on earth I'd do if it were worse!

I am poor (understatement) and barely getting by. The process of applying for disability is not yet complete. The only income I've had for the past several months has been from art modeling and a few sales of hats. Frighteningly, the only reason I've had enough modeling to get by ($60 per week) is that the other models apparently don't show up or cancel at the last minute and I'm the on-call model who is happy to fill in anytime. Haven't sold a hat in over a month.

It is just that an acquaintance has mucked up my driveway (dirt) into such a muddy mess that I can't drive through it. My vehicle got stuck yesterday and after finally getting it freed, the muffler had been ripped off. Now a tree has fallen across the drive. It is about to snow and I have no snow tires....but again...it hasn't even snowed yet and I can't drive in to our driveway. We have to haul water and firewood as we don't have running water or electricity...so being able to drive to and from town is fairly important.

Still, that's not much compared to what other people deal with everyday. And, I'm not even working, just existing. What the hell am I going to do if things get worse? It just seems that I should be able to cope with this stuff.... :-/

If it's any consolation, we're in the same boat. I'm just "this far" away from homelessness. No, rockets aren't landing on the street in front of my apartment, so I guess I should be happy.

Who is "we"? Maybe get the tree out of the way first. Then get to a place that will give you free food?

We is my son and I. I have other children who don't live with me full time. We have enough food, but we live 12 miles from town and AMR is denying medicaid transport to therapy appts, etc for my kids. They will continue to do that even after it snows and I have no safe way of getting to town. It's a problem.

On the other hand, I just found another modest source of income this morning...so that's good!

I know exactly how you feel. I used to have bouts of really bad depression where there was no cause. It was all hormonal; there was nothing wrong with my life at the time. Still, the feelings felt so real and were so hard to tolerate. It felt crazy to be that unhappy when there was no reason to be, so my mind invented stuff to be sad about. One thing I would keep thinking is that my friends didn't really like me, that they only put up with me for some reason. Now I can see that idea is ridiculous, but it felt very real at the time.

It will go better. I spent two years in a shelter for the poor once, a few years back, so I can understand what it's like to have no steady income. We all have setbacks and also positive events. Best wishes with the new form of income - keep thinking up ways to use your talents effectively.