My stepdad + his two wives

Post Reply New Topic

Invited my sister and I to the ceremony for the third wife to become his wife (under Islam, because polygamy isn't legal in the U.S., obviously.) and it's not like my mother and his legal wife plus this lady aren't happy to be in this situation... they are. I just have a hard time not feeling weird about it.

It's so weird to me, and I already know I can't tell them I'm gay(they'd rather see me dead than gay) but they expect me to be accepting about this weird situation. He's not victimizing them, the four seem happy in their relationship.

I think I'm becoming as intolerant as them, wanting never to be a part of their life, never wanting to say it's OK with me. They hate so many as if they are superior but it's hard to get by that way if you aren't what's mainstream. I don't want them to feel hated as well but
.. man I don't know.

Yeah, I can see how it might make you feel weird. I would, too. But if you can clearly see that they are all adults doing this voluntarily then it might be best to live and let live. Even if they aren't very good at applying that philosophy (because they don't accept gay people), that doesn't mean you have to be like them.

I guess the question would be, why do you feel weird about it?

If you REALLY don't want to be a part of their life, then don't be. I wouldn't if I were you.
To me it's not about opposing polygamy, it's about being fair to each other.
I don't think it's fair of them to expect you to accept their weird situation when they won't accept you being gay.

I already hate my mom, and I KNOW she's got the idea that I'm gay. There are so many things that will prevent us from ever being close and I haven't even spoken to her for the last year... she knows I think it's weird and the way she is trying to initiate contact is through inviting me to meet the third wife at the wedding.

And it's not Islam that really bugs me, it's not that. I couldn't wear a tanktop at their house without being told I was dressed like a whore. I wore a bikini top at a picnic once and my stepdad later said I looked like I was trying to be raped.

So if I'm appealing to the opposite sex, I'm not behaving in a way that is halal. But if. I told them I have a girlfriend, I will be told I would have caused them less heartbreak than if I had killed myself.

I lose either way, my only option becomes to pretend I have no dating life. But they want me to be super alright with the idea that my stepdad's wealth and religion entitle him to as many baby factories as he pleases? And my mother can't have kids anymore, she's the only person other than him who has money in this situation, and the second and third wife are BOTH YOUNGER THAN ME and I feel like something is terrible about the situation that I can't pinpoint and I can't seem to look at it from a different perspective.

I don't think it's fair either.

Also, I lied, Islam is disgusting to me. It is.

Hating Isalm could be a problem.
I assume you mean you hate the religious instutition side of it - if so, that's fine, it's warranted.
But that shouldn't extend to personal beliefs of others.

Maybe it's just me, but your dating life is no business of theirs.
Realistically, their dating lives are no business of yours either, in all fairness.

You are obviously uncomfortable with the fact that they will never accept that you are gay - I understand that completely. But when you're with them, it's not like you would even need to bring up your dating life to begin with. It really isn't any of their business. Maybe it's just me, but I have never spoken, and will never speak about my dating life around my family - and my family are very free and liberal about that kind of thing.

As for the clothing issue - I assume you wouldn't wear anything outrageous around them anyway (tank tops are fine). There is no need to change from your usual attire unless you are going to their house. That kind of situation is the kind of one where you simply have to say "I'm respecting your beliefs, please respect mine, if you find you can't do so then tell me now." If he can't or won't shut up, simply remove yourself from the sitaution. Parents are often like dogs in that regard - you train them how to treat you and if you used to let them get away with sh*t in the past then they will keep trying to do so unless you are extremely consistent with them.

What his wives are is again, none of your concern, unless they were forced or coecered into this situation against their will.

This comes down to lack of respect on both sides, both for what all of you are and what choices all of you are making.
You cannot demand that they respect yours without respecting theirs - it's simply unfair. Nor can they do the opposite to you.
If you find that neither side can respect the other then you may need to seriously consider removing yourself from their lives. If it's like that then it would probably be much less stress on you, and probably would be the best things to do. There is no point doing this process again and again if you are getting absolutely nowhere.

I'be already removed myself from their lives, and them from mine. I don't hate Islam, I find it disgusting. I find Judaism and Christianity disgusting as well. All equally disgusting belief systems. I normally have little reason to think about Judaism or Islam, despite 90% of my family being Muslims or Jews. I definitely don't hate Muslims or Jews, and the persecution of both Muslims or Jews makes me uncomfortable admitting how stupid both religious belief systems are because people then expect me to be OK with hatred toward those who adhere to the belief systems.

After I bought my house, initially, my mother found out I lived here via public records and they showed up several times. Not once did I answer the door, but then she started calling me constantly, sent me cards during Eid, mails me letters I always RTS unopened. I got the invite and the handwriting was unfamiliar, no return address, postal code from central Texas(they don't live in central Texas) and the envelope felt really thick.

I assumed it was from a friend in central Texas and opened it. It was pictures and letters from all four of them. Urging me to be a part of their family, saying I am so f*****g important to everyone.

While I can believe that from my stepdad, Ill know my mom is full of s**t. I really wish there could be some situation in which I could casually get to know these other two women and meet the new baby and see my stepdad again. But I guess... yeah, the real underlying problem is probably my history with my mother/sexual abuse. I don't know how I can ever get over that.

The moment I try to have a conversation about it my mother reacts with violence and anger.

So that's supposed to keep me quiet about it, but it doesn't. I've tried letting her know we can talk again if she's ever ready to talk about it without throwing things at me or whatnot and it's like I've not told her a thing.

Id was ages ago, so this has been going on for some time then.

So really this is about your mother, in other words. If she's not willing to face it and deal with it, then she's not. Simply make it clear that until she decides to face it and deal with it, that you're not coming back. That really is all you can do. This isn't the kind of thing you can forget about or sweep under a rug - doing so will only make it much worse for you, as I'm sure you already know.

For some reason I sense you're feeling gulity about this - about wanting to see your step father and the other wives and meet the baby. If you are, really there is no reason to. Even if you may want to be part of their lives, you cannot until your mother deals with her own crap. None of this is your fault and you don't have anything to feel gulity about.

I hate to say it but kjas is right here. I think you should write her a letter explaining your feelings to her and what she can do if she wants for you to be part of that family. Considering you dont live with them this can be a bit easier to do and not end up in a rut.

One thing though, you have to be very direct but without insulting or anything of the manner. She has to understand as an adult that you are not going to keep taking it and are making a stand. And that its now time for her to do her part.

I feel for you.

I'm struggling to write this, there's so much emotion bleeding through. If I ever finish writing it, I might post it here, or PM it, MXH, Kjas, would either of you mind looking over it? I'd appreciate any feedback. I'm worried it's going to be really emotionally charged.

Tequila, thank you, I'm guessing you can relate to seeing the worst bits of that particular belief system. I believe we've discussed it before?

No problem.

I know what you mean about the worst bits. That's why it's better to differeientate between personal beliefs and religious institution.

Id love to help you. If anything you shouldnt even ask permision from me for things like this. Just take it straight to me.