to be alone or not alone?

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I have learned most of the social skills, but because of the trust issues I have I'm sooo scared to let people in my life.
I know how to be light-hearted and casual (meeting new people) and I know how to serious and authentic. I'm have problems with the transiton and trust.

Problem 1- I have more trouble socializing in a "normal" population because of my AS
Problem 2- I don't know how to use my social skills at work to lead to an authentic friendship. (I think most NT's accept me as NT and then when I start moving through the process of self-disclosure they're not sure what to make of me.

So any advice, personal experince, or support is much appreicated?

Just some thoughts. Relationships are one of the large experiences in life. One does not have to have one, but a good one is rewarding in unique ways. The basic goal is finding a person who is a good match for you. It is somebody that accepts and likes you as you are and whom you genuinely feel the same about.

To disclose or not to disclose is depends on the circumstances but in general my feeling is that it is a personnel matter and nobodies business but you and the medical professionals you see. I also think disclosure can encourage people to label and stereotype you and would especially avoid disclosure at work places.

If a relationship does develop, and is one you would like to see become long term, I would disclose at some point as that is part of them accepting you as you are.

Trust grows with familiarity and experiences of seeing how someone acts and reacts in different circumstances. No one is absolutely perfect including ourselves, but many are good enough.

Analyze their patterns of behavior to see if they would be kind towards you. If so, trust in them.

I bet most of the problem is that you are reluctant to let people get close to you for fear they will hurt you. Sometimes it can help to think about the past situations that made you this way. There are lots of messed up people in the world, but keep reminding yourself that not everyone is that way. You have to judge each of them on their own merits.

If you've identified some people at work you'd like to befriend, start making an effort. Don't lay it on thick, though, at first. Go with all the lighthearted chit-chat you've probably already been doing. Then try to move the conversation just a bit into the personal realm. You might mention something you know they're interested in, like a recent football game or recent episode of a show they like. Or compliment something about them and use it as a springboard (hopefully) into a bigger conversation (oh, I love your shoes! Where did you get them?). The best thing you can do is get them started talking about a subject they like (their kids or pets are an easy target for this). When people are talking about something they really like, they are more open to making friendly connections with others who like the same thing or are interested in hearing about the subject. If you express enthusiasm equal to theirs, they'll probably feel connected to you.

I suppose it's not written anywhere that you must have a common interest to make a friend out of someone. But it sure helps! You want to get them on a topic they show enthusiasm for, that they want to talk a lot about, that you can tell they are interested in. Then nurture that conversation and show lots of interest. Ask questions about details, etc. This helps them identify with you and connect.

If there isn't time for a big conversation, make a note of things you've learned about that person. My husband literally does this- if a coworker makes an off-hand comment like, "my wife's studying for the bar exam", he'll ask when the test is, tell the coworker he wishes his wife good luck on the test, conclude the conversation. Then he writes a reminder to himself later to ask them about how their wife's test went. People aren't expecting coworkers to remember something like that. But when you say, "oh hey, wasn't your wife's bar exam this week? how did it go?" they are impressed that you were (a) listening and (b) cared enough to ask about something important to them. This will open them up to you.

Sometimes you will really hit it off with someone, evidenced by lots of interests in common, visible enthusiasm from both sides. Then it might be okay to move a little faster. But most of the time, you should be careful not to overwhelm a person too soon or you will creep them out. In particular, don't be clingy.

After a few "nurtured" conversations, you are hopefully hanging out more at work with the person you want to befriend. You might eat lunch together (a very good sign), sit next to each other in meetings, etc. Do this for awhile before you suggest getting together outside work (unless you've really hit it off already).

To make your conversations work towards a friendship, you will have to let your guard down a little. To show interest in what they're talking about, be prepared to disclose small bits of info about yourself. People need this info to "grab onto" in order to feel like they're starting to know you. Throw it out there in the conversation, where they can pick it up- your favorite restaurant, the fact you love movies, whatever. Don't get too personal, but don't be afraid to broadcast who you are. If you don't, they'll have nothing to use in conversations to befriend you.

It also helps to put yourself out there more. Go to company extra-curricular activities, if any. Go to happy hours. Hang around during birthday cake-eating gatherings. If everybody sits together at lunch, sit with them. When you are invited to lunch, make sure you go if at all possible. More exposure = more opportunities. Be patient, it may take a few months of this behavior to get anywhere with any potential friends.

it's like the ultimate catch 22..... most people on some level desire human connection. try to let people see who you really are as the conversations develop, and see who they are at the same time - keep it slow and natural. it's a dual process. and unless you are defined by any diagnoses you have, i wouldn't discuss them. not because it's anything to ashamed of, but because people don't generally get it, and it can quickly and easily change their disposition towards you. and in my experience, people talk to each other about this sort of thing too.

It takes me just a little human connection to not feel alone. Just talking to someone occasionally is more than enough for me.

i'm sort of envious.

I wasn't always like this -- it took a while to get to this point.

One thing I should point out is that it really helps that there are people around who I can count on if I really need them.

I a like eric76...though I love spending time with my close friends.