Close friend and housemate

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I'm not sure even where to begin on this but I'm going to attempt it anyway.

For the last 10 years, I have been good friends with, and later lived with for quite a few years, someone called D. D has been a close friend throughout this time and I met him through my first boyfriend. He's one of the few people who were around during middle school who is still around now, and he knows me as well as anyone can who isn't aspie or BAP themselves. He's one of the few who have stuck around and stuck close through everything. I live with him now still, and he was also my dance partner for teaching and performing.

A little over a month ago he came to me with a confession. He told me he was in love with me and had been for a long time. Naturally this makes things very difficult. Since he was supposed to go back home for the holidays to Puerto Rico for 2 months, I told him not to worry about it and that we would deal with it when he got back.

I don't want to cause him any more pain than necessary, and I know being around me is doing that to him even though neither of us intend it to. For that reason I am glad the holidays came at a good time, he needs to be away from me so that he can sort his head out. But living together makes it difficult - I think it best if both of us move out. The only problem is that we have both been here so long that we have accumluated a lot of stuff, including shared stuff together, and both of us are very comfortable here. Sadly, I don't see another option though.

This is somewhat ironic because for as long as I have known him, he has always been a complete man-whore and has never been in love with anyone - whereas I am the exact opposite, at least in regards to the sleeping around part. I don't think he actually loves me - I think either he loves the *idea* of me (totally different) or that he saw me and my first boyfriend together and thinks that being with me would be axactly the same as that. Neither is accurate nor hepful.

Even if we do move out, I would need to stop seeing him for however long he would need to get over me, there is no way he can work his way through this if I am still around. I don't want to do that, but I refuse to cause him more pain than is necessary. It makes me wonder if our entire friendship is going to end because of this. I'm not sure how I would handle losing him too - especially over something so trivial as this. This guy has saved my life literally on more than one occasion.

Am I completely insane to actually want to continue this friendship if he can work through this? Or should I just end it now?
I don't really know what to do next but I need to figure out this before he gets back.

The situation is not helped by the fact that before he told me this, I started dating a new guy - which he has no idea about.
I don't know if I will keep dating said new guy, but right now it's complicated enough without worrying about that, the fact that I was would hurt him more than enough if he found out. I feel like sh*t enough as it is, knowing how difficult this would have been for him and knowing how much pain I have caused him already, even though I was unaware of it at the time. I have no wish to cause any more than is necessary now.

Ouch. Like you said this situation is made worse by how you guys share things. While you could theoretically split things like a divorce and pay a bit to keep the items you each want to keep I do think its a bit tricky to spend time apart.

Now what i think is happening is he now sees you with another man and for that reason has considered you as a potential partner, and since he has been so long with you he has many fond memories which he can attribute as proof of his love. When in reality he is probably making half of them up (thats just how the brain works, nothing to do with him as a person). There is the potential that he can get over it quickly, though that depends on how much of a womanizer he is. If he can by his own power keep being a womanizer and keep getting women then hell be over it in no time. Now if he changes his ways to win your heart or something like that then you really need to consider not living with him.

He has no idea about the guy I am dating, (who I will call H). He has no idea I am dating at all. He has no idea who H is, or that he exsists at all - he's not my boyfriend and weren't not in a relationship so I haven't said a word to anyone about it.
As far as D is aware, I am single and I am not dating - so the process you said doesn't even enter into the equation.
He said this had been going on for a long time, so I assume we are talking about more than a year at least - anything under that he never would have bothered mentioning it.

And he gave up on sleeping around a few months ago, when he realised he was simply using it to attempt to avoid or distract himself from his feelings and his problems.

The living together situation is complicated. He has a whole bunch of electronics, music equipment and etc.
And I have 2 cars, 2 bikes, 1 horse, 3 dogs, 3 cats and 1 bird to consider. If I leave here I have to send the animals overseas, and either sell most of the cars and bikes except 1, or send them overseas too.

ok, i didnt pick that part up in the OP. Well, the most i can say at this point is good luck getting it sorted out. I cant think of anything in that situation that you can do.

Okay, so despite being very, very compatible with him, you're not even remotely interested in taking the relationship farther? It sounds like you two already have something that even most couples are still looking for. Is it completely out of the question that you give him a chance (excluding the new boyfriend, of course...I'm asking that you imagine he wasn't in the picture to simplify the question)? I think, if he is a 'man-whore' as described and does seem to have issues committing to women, then it's very likely that the problem could resolve itself, either by the time he returns or when you're willing to tell him you're in a relationship. My advice would be not to make any assumptions about what would be best for him and instead, come to these conclusions in a civilized discussion, together. It's only fair that you talk it out because it seems he has just as much monetary and emotional investment in the living arrangement as you do and deciding to abandon it without consulting him and dropping the 'we can't live together' bomb as soon as he's back from the holidays, would be infinitely more devastating than seeing where he's at when he's back. Anyway, this sounds very stressful for you but I wouldn't worry too much as two months is a very long time and perhaps his sexual proclivity will cause his feelings to be fleeting while in Puerto Rico. To add: I've had a long-time friend (friends since eighth grade, spent almost every day together in college), that I was very close to and I, too, professed that I had strong feelings for her. She didn't share them but gave me a chance to resolve them myself, which I did, and we've remained very good friends ever since, so all is not lost! Best of luck and keep us updated.

It seems to me the core problem here is the cohabitation. It limits your independance and sets up uncomfortable circumstances. So I would reccomend working to be on your own even if it means downsizing etc.

Hey

The very first thing that comes to mind is, if he's been in love with you for a long time as he said, and he was able to handle it, wouldn't he be able to keep doing so after? Do you really think it is necessary to cut off all contact in order for things to get better? Actually, you probably do I remember your advice after I broke up with S, it was to stop seeing her for a while until we were ready, but in the end I just kept going out with her, we even spent some pleasant hours right after the breakup, and to this point I'm completely over her, even when she talks about her current partner, which doesn't make me feel jealous at all. Although in your case it's different because you live with D, while I only met with her a couple of times a week, but now that I think of it, at the very least moving out should be a decision that both of you should take. Why? He's the one who fell in love, not you. So it would seem like if it was up to you, things would keep going as they are, but if it was up to him they would change. If you can't be with him, he must know that. I will assume that the fact itself that he likes you doesn't bother you at all, or not enough for it to matter, and what actually worries you is the fact that it will hurt him to be with you while being unrequited, and possibly that things could change and get awkward between the two of you (btw, would you be able to keep going as if nothing had happened in the case he did? (even if you think he wouldn't, in this case let's say he would) The answer is probably yes, and I'll base what's next on that). The way I see it, it would be more his problem than yours, and if you worry about his feelings, then let him decide the best course to deal with them. Moving out assumes the worst, that he'll suffer a lot of pain while being around you, so much that he'll be better off if he's away from you, at least until he gets over it, if he does, because you are also considering the possibility of your friendship with him ending as a result. And to finally say what I've been getting at, maybe he doesn't feel as much pain as you think he does (although you seem to be sure that it's a lot). Or if he does... I still believe it should be his decision. On it's simplest, a cost-benefit comparison between staying with you and suffering, and the myriad of inconveniences it would bring him to move out your shared home. He could think that yes, it will hurt for a while, maybe for longer than it should if you parted ways, but he'd rather deal with it than move out. At least that's what I would do, although I do have experience in keeping my feelings in check. But it brings another question, especially because it's you. Would YOU be able to deal with the fact that you're making him suffer while being at his side, even though he's aware of it, accepts it, and is willing to deal with it until such a moment comes where he gets over you? That should help by the moment, the rest is dependant on your answers~