The Horrors of NVLD

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Things I used to blame on homeschooling and thought would just disappear in time, suddenly now I have a permanent condition called NVLD and also Autism Spectrum Disorder/PDD-NOS (though I disagree with it being separate from NLD).

All my life, I've had an attitude that alternates between extreme passivity and hostile anger at anything and everything (I'm sure much of that comes across in my posts on this board). Now it's getting worse that suddenly I realize my condition is permanent.

And I don't believe I can get any professional to listen to me regarding the treatment I need. I am about to be forced (not really forced, but ya know) into Aspergers-style treatments due to my diagnosis. My friend who has AS says the idea is to learn to use "logic" and "intellect" to figure out what's going on in social situations. Basically reason through them. Unfortunately, it's hard to get anyone, including professionals, to listen to me that this won't work. It's always assumed I am smart, but my psychometric test results show otherwise. Basically, I get easily overloaded with processing visual stimuli, so easily it's not even funny, so being forced to take a cognitive or logical approach to fast-moving situations is the opposite of what I need. The last thing I need is to have more steps to think about. Actually I can never think about anything in steps. I have to learn to process things automatically and intuitively in blocks.

The thing is, I do have it in me to know what is going on in social situations -- to the extent I'm NT over the phone. 100% NT. But only over the phone. I'm very awkward and low in person where I have to deal with visual stuff. I just can't process it fast enough, and there seems to be no treatment out there to help this. It's as if the world denies that this problem exists, and professionals are always in hedging denial about cause and effect relationships that I know exist with me. Supposedly everyone with this problem is someone with a high traditional IQ with bad social skills. This ignores the reality of NLD, which most professionals pretend doesn't even exist.

The way I did very well academically (everything from math to law at a top 10 school) was by learning pattern recognition until I can process things in blocks. Even the hardest calculus problems or law exams can be processed by someone as dumb as me (bottom 10% visual processing speed) if you slowly and painstakingly learn the patterns in everything that show up repeatedly. I just don't know how to do this with social situations or nonverbal cues. I'm sure it's possible, but it's like because I don't know the proper terminology or have the right degrees, I likely won't get the help I need the way I need it, just because the way I have to learn (I am unable to learn any way but my way, sorry that's just the way it is) is not a way that is usually found in medical textbooks.

So I feel very lost and hopeless now, like I will never be able to improve, and I can't live with all the tension that NVLD creates in my head that drives me crazy and makes me full of rage at everything. Any practical suggestions?

Yeah, NVLD sucks. It's not like Aspergers where I can put on a fairy tale "YAY I'M HAPPY BEING ME." I can't help but just look at it as damage. I'd be really happy if I JUST had my problems with social interaction I have now. At least then I could accomplish more. But NVLD messes with my organization and visual spatial skills, and everyone thinks you're so smart and you're just like "wtf? how?" and then they expect so much from you because you can use big words in conversations.

I can relate a bit on the "blocks" thing. For me, I can only learn things in systems, if that makes sense. Like I have to know a lot more about how something works than the average person to do a task. It's impossible for me to just do a task blind, if that makes any sense. Like, I either I have to do a ton of experimentation, or do a lot of reading, before I do anything. I don't feel confident doing anything I don't have a good understanding of. So this can sort of look like overthinking things, but I don't know how to underthink something. If I underthink something, it usually won't work. I really marvel at people who can just "do" things, though. So I end up creating sorta massive "systems" in my head about everything. Like I have a "system" of how to make mashed potatoes, and every possible variable in what could happen making mashed potatoes. Like, I have to think through everything other people don't think about. In some ways it's good, as I end up coming up with the most efficient or best way to do something, but I wish sometimes I could be more...automatic.

I could go on forever, but NVLD sucks. The only way I've figured out how to "cure" it is with stimulants. Of course, stimulant use isn't exactly good for you. But having to drink lots of coffee and energy drinks, forever. I recently had a nice adrenal crash stage from doing this, thankfully I've sorta solved it now mostly by upping my Vitamin C to like 3-4G a day, but yeah. But just daily life with NVLD will f**k you up. You have to just fight, fight, fight, forever, and constantly output at 100%, just to drive your car down the street to buy groceries or something. I know with enough effort I could achieve a lot, but is it worth the price?

I think it's because all the information in my head has to be stored verbally. So, everything is a constant verbal feed. Very little is intuitive or nonverbal. This messes with things like, say, driving, as I need to verbally think out what the hell I'm doing. If I don't, I fail. But at the same time, nonverbal actions and some thought is required.

I just sent you a message but to also post here:

A cognitive psychologist may help you too give you concrete ways to manage the anger better and deal with social situations better which may be the stressors. See if a local autism chapter or Adults with Learning Disabilities chapter offer classes on interpreting social norms and some university offers some classes in understanding social situations/ social norms, for adults. In universities these commonly stem from the Psychology departments and can be open to the general public.

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Realize the anger is symptom of your frustration; yet needs to be controlled. For me it can be anxiety as a symptom of my issues and I realize it too needs to be controlled so I can move on with what I need to do within a situation ie at work or in other areas of life.

I also attempt to meditate to "control" emotions and deep breathing. [u]Deep breathing relaxes ones fight / flight mechanism such as found with anxiety or anger. [/u] Also, trying to step back from a situation and try to look at it is an observer rather than a participant may help control some types of anger.

If you find a situation upsetting, try to remember to take a few deep breath to force yourself to relax and then speak your thoughts. Link the visual queue of the word "RELAX," in your mind, with your deep breathing; thus, conditioning the two together.

Over time, the two stimuli together may "trick" your body in relaxing so you can express your thoughts clearly in the situation.

You can also say to another gently, “I think you are suggesting....<fill in blank>.” This "checks out" if you are right or giving the other speaker permission to correct you and moving the discourse more into the verbal realm which is your area of expertise.

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Over the phone, I feel more comfortable too than speaking face to face. I believe because it takes the non-verbal out of the equation. That being said, I use writing email messages a lot and sometimes if I need to speak to others, I will pre-plan what I should say. Sometimes, I tell others, I will get back with you on this (?) in order to give my self time to process an answer.