I'm not ok.

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I'm so anxious and/or depressed right now I just want to hide under my duvet curled up in foetal position and cry and/or hit my head. It physically hurts on the inside. I don't even know how to write about my thoughts or about what I'm feeling right now. I guess I just wanted someone to know how awful I feel. I don't know what to do.

So tired of complaining. So tired of feeling like this. I really hope that I, someday, will be able to tell you all that I'm ok. Right now I'm really not.

You will, for sure. In the meantime, one thing that might help is positive affirmations about yourself (even if you don't believe them, the act of saying positive things makes you start to think more positively about things)

I hope you're right. Do positive affirmations about oneself really work by the way? I don't even know why I am the way I am and the way I am makes me dysfunctional in so many ways. So how can I tell myself that I'm alright (and other positive things)?

I get it completely. I've been that way pretty much for the past few months and it's driven me truly to a breakdown. I call it mental pain, which is really what it is. Just because something isn't a physical pain doesn't mean it doesn't hurt just as bad, or worse.

I don't know whats causing yours, or what your circumstances are, but I can tell you that therapy, meds, etc can help so very much. However, no matter how much they help, never ever EVER forget that you are not your situation. You, the person inside your head, that is in all this pain, is just as important than anything outside of yourself. You are more important than whatever is causing this. It's very easy to be overwhelmed by all that pain, and to lose sight of the fact that you can feel better. Even if it takes a while to feel better, don't just give up hope of feeling better, because that opens the door and puts out a welcome mat for a breakdown.

I only felt like that two days ago

Like you suggest, not really much I feel I can do other than say "I hear you and I understand", if that's any help at all. I used to feel like that a lot more frequently than I do now and if that's anything to go by then yes, it will get better. The only positive thing about feeling that bad is that purely from a chance point of view it is more likely to get better than to get worse .

I think they do, even those were you say "I'm the best" to yourself does have effect in the long run. That together with positive thinking ( yes I know it can be hard ) and focusing on your positive sides is what helped me. I still don't look at me as perfect in any way. But now I usually just think "yeah, I'm weird and dysfunctional, so what? I am great at what I do, and will only get better" And that's a huge improvement over how I was a couple of years back.

Never really thought of it as pain before but you're right, "mental pain" is a good name for it. I'm planning on getting therapy and perhaps medication as well (scared of it though). I've been queuing to see a specialist for a long time. I'll finally get assessed for anxiety disorders and mood disorders in the middle of January or the beginning of February (still have to queue much longer to get assessed for AS and ADD which are the main things I suspect). I hope that'll help. Sometimes I really doubt things will get better. I'm 22 years old and I probably haven't felt generally well since I was 11 or so. Even though things just seem to get worse I've decided I won't give up. If I wanted to give up I would've done so a long time ago. Like I wrote in the original post, I just really wish that I'll someday be able to tell you I'm doing good instead of just complaining all the time. But for now I need your support (and I thank you for giving it to me) because I don't get any "in real life".

Positive affirmations confused me for a long time. I felt like people were pushing them on me and they just made me feel silly and like I was lying to myself--how was that supposed to help? But eventually I found the right kind of affirmations that work for me and I started collecting them on notecards and draw them out randomly when I need to. Sometimes they are just funny quotes/sayings/lyrics that make me smile (not directly related to me but remind me of something I like about myself), sometimes they are positive words that rhyme because rhyming is soothing to me for some reason. One of my favorites is Aragorn's speech at the black gate. When nothing else helps or makes any sense to me I just remind myself "This day we fight!"

Its a lot to try and deal with. Its natural to turn inward, but that only leads deeper into the maze. It takes time and experience but you will learn how to better understand yourself and manage these things.

I don't know, guys. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm always tired, I've got a lot of headaches, I'm annoyed all the time, I catastrophize, my AS traits get even "stronger"/more visible etc. Are you sure it gets better? I'm sorry for being so pessimistic but sometimes I wonder if I'm doomed to live a life of misery.

Hey there. What's something you are good at?

I guess I'm for example good at solving Rubik's Cubes. Why?

Nice. Those take some patience for me. Name some other things you are good at!

I don't really know. I'm good at observing things. I'm good at learning a lot about things I find interesting. I'm good at playing the piano.

Chronic headaches can really, really, really be a depressing factor. I had them for many years. Now I control them with meds and rarely get them. Mine were caused by tension and environmental factors.

When you have a big pile of problems you have to work them one at a time. But a small fix here and a medium fix there add up, and one day you reach the tipping point and things start to be better. Keep going and they can become a lot better.

You should be able to see a doctor about the headaches now. My first anti-headache med was actually and old anti-depression med, but we stayed with it a long time because it worked. When I went to an anti-anxiety med it did the same thing so I was able to stop the anti-depression med.

I don't really see the point in seeing a doctor about my headaches. I mean, I know what's causing them. I wouldn't say they're chronic but I get them when I'm overwhelmed.

How do I work with one problem at a time? How do I know where to start?