My husband hates me!! !

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I don't know what to do. My husband in Jewish, and I was (until recently) basically a non-practicing Catholic, though of late I have some interest in it. Anyway, the kink in the whole situation is that my mother's family is very much intermarried with Jewish people, although my mother's mother's mother was not Jewish, and therefore I am not Jewish according to Jewish law. I never pretended that this wasn't the case - however, my mother has apparently lied to my husband about it. Finally I confronted her about it and she claims that she never said anything to my husband to misrepresent whether or not the Jewish religion would consider my Jewish. In the meanwhile, my husband got involved with this Orthodox Jewish rabbi who is just absolutely hate-filled towards anyone who does not look, act, think, etc. exactly like him. Mind you, I don't consider Orthodox Judaism a cult, but this particular rabbi may as well have been a cult leader the way he was influencing his faithful.

So anyway, he started pressing me about whether or not my mother was really Jewish and I told him that I didn't believe what she had told him because I had heard diffrerent for all my life. Also, he's known that my mother is totally insane because she has taken me to CCD, the Jehovah's witnesses, synagogue religious school, and finally Catholic high school. The bottom line is that Catholicism is what I can relate to and understand, despite the fact that I do not currently practice it regularly.

Now, after I finally cleared up my mother's deceptions, he is blaming me for deceiving him. I never once did that. My mother did, but I didn't. So he is convinced that he can't trust me. Also, he wants me to consider converting to Orthodox Judaism, but I don't want to because I don't believe in it. I think it is inconsiderate for him to want me to do that, but he thinks that I am being selfish. Also, he said that he may end up leaving me over this, but he won't talk about it any more than that. It's just torturing me. I don't know if I should just leave him or if he'll loose interest in this crap that he's been involved with (that rabbi finally had to leave town after everyone saw what a piece of trash he was). I'm just totally lost.

I wish I could help you out, but I can't.

Why don't you try to find a Conservative or Modern Orthodox shul to go to with him, or to send him to, that is less hateful towards gentiles?

As someone who converted to Judaism, I can tell you that I have been there, done that, regarding the hateful rabbi. Unfortunately some of them are like that .

He won't go to Reform or Conervative. I tried.

Since there seems to be some confusion about your family tree-- I mean are you sure that your mother's mother's mother wasn't jewish?-- maybe it could be researched? Maybe if that great-grandmother was born jewish but was baptized, a case could be built that she was a forced convert and still halachically jewish? Maybe that would be enough to get him to shutup and leave you alone for a while... because probably this rabbi was telling him that there is a difference between having a non-observat jewish wife (bad, but acceptable) VS an intermarriage (gasp) with a gentile.

I am worried for you, he will probably tell you to choose between conversion or divorce, and he might expect you to live orthodox, covering your hair and everything from wrists to ankles . And will forbid you to have anything with a christian image in the house.

Are there children involved? If so are they baptized? Will he want to convert them too? At what level of observance is he now?

like the beach boys said, be true to your shul, just like you would to your girl or guy, be true to your shul...
seriously, you need to sit and talk it out, and as awful as this sounds, use faith behind your arguments, because nothing there that teaches one to hate..
zay gezunt..

No, I am certain that this is the case.



I absolutely will have nothing to do with Orthodox Judaism as it relegates women to second-class status. This is the main problem. The issue of Christian images hasn't come up before.



No kids, though I would like some one of these days. He has been the hold out. Now I am afraid that he will not want any.



He's been studying for a year or two, so I figured that this would just be another thing that he looses interest in. Only in the last few months has he tried to be more observant, but it has been difficult since I refuse to participate.

Yes, but the way in which the faith was interpreted by his rabbi was hateful. Therefore, he has been programmed to hate.

He can hardly argue that it's selfish of you to not want to convert, as you could then legitimately counter that by saying it's selfish of him to want you to in the first place.

If he was happy enough thinking you were biologically Jewish, and is now complaining that you aren't, that sounds a lot like racism. If I were in a similar situation I'd probably stay with him a while to see if he loses interest, but if he kept complaining then I'd let him know I was thinking of leaving. A big part of being in an adult relationship is accepting your partner for who they are - if he can't accept you (or you find it hard to accept him) then you should probably both assess the relationship's viability. (I'm not saying I think you should leave him - just don't stick with him if you don't feel comfortable doing so.)

Yeah I can offer no addvice because I'm an atheist. Seems you and your husband could find common ground by becoming atheist.

Speak to the Rabbi thats taken over the hateful Rabbi's place and see if he can get you and your husband into marriage counseling, anyone who would try to manipulate and blackmail someone into a faith they don't believe is totally off in this area, and the newer Rabbi needs to set him straight on this, but also, for your husband to threaten to leave you over this, a good marriage counselor would set him straight on this one to. And if his Rabbi is who he listens to and he says, "see a marriage counsleor" then I'd say go for it, and I bet he would too.

By the way....... I bet there's more going on here then you not becomming Jewish.

thank you Paula.

I was thinking the same thing, I think that he may be wanting a divorce, and this maybe how he is trying to do it. goad you

I'm sort of thinking the same thing, but when I confront him about it he says no. I don't know that I totally believe him, though.

I'm starting to think that maybe I should just start looking for a place. Ironically, I feel more sad about leaving the dogs than him, though. I think it may be the AS.

Janicka, I was in a similar situation but the roles reversed. I decided to choose my family instead of observance. I hope your husband does the same, that is, if you want him to.

We have problems, but every time I want to discuss them he says he doesn't want to talk about it, so nothing gets resolved. I am starting to think that he doesn't want to be with me (despite what he says) and I should just leave.