Past

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The past still comes to haunt me these days... The days when I was in the psych ward (technically I was in three psych wards over 4 months because they were juggling wards and they thought I was too "actue" for the first one, but hey, at least I got a private hopsital once free of charge).

Yeah... Just say "IM drugs" and I freeze up and go on the defence mode. And the memories of seeing the people who had been in there for a year, yet still had not recovered. AND THAT DOCTOR OF SATAN WHO WANTED ME ON section 3 (6 months). Thank God that my parents overruled him.

Just can't get rid of the memories of what happened in the hospital, and believe me, they're bad. If you really want to know, ask, but all I can say now is that it was rather traumatising to say the least.

Is anyone else dealing with a past trauma? If so, how are you managing it?

Its been a year and I'm still having flashbacks...

Are you seeing a therapist now for PTSD?If your insurance covers it,I think you should think about it.I was in psych ward for depression/suicide attempts but it was mostly a good experience....other crazy people are nice to me,I have never been so popular.(dont know why)I did write a lot of poetry about the sense of "powerlessness",privacy,stupid psych professionals...poetry is cathartic(art in general).

The only experiences I have with PTSD is attempted rape,date rape,robbed at gun point,homeless.All of these things left me with flashbacks and deep fear/obsessive thoughts.In each,I ended having to leave a job or relocate to avoid the area that it happened.I am still paranoid living alone.It does get better with time but I cant say I have forgotten.The useful part of fear is to keep us from repeating choices that will put us in the situation,again.I check my door locks,I dont drink any more,I dont walk alone after dark in bad neighborhoods(actually any neighborhoods),I dont take jobs that expose me to being robbed(overnight cashier).Inspite of these choices,any of the above things could happen to me again,but I have lower the statistical odds.I think that gives me a small sense of "power" over these old fears.

Thank you for replying.
I am still seeing a psychiatrist, and she can help me with the thoughts. I don't need insurance because I'm in the UK and we have free (mostly - except dentistry and opticians) health services (God Bless the NHS).
The other crazy people were really nice to me too. Whereas I spent most of my time revising for my GCSEs (don't ask me how - I cannot remember). Well, I didn't revise at the beginning.
I am petrified of ever letting myself go crazy again (although I do have my moments, but they're never as bad as last year) because a) my doctor said that he would put me on sect 3 and b) becase of, well what happened there:
Being restrained is NOT nice. Especially when you have about five million nurses all on top of you when all you want to do is run away into the cold night air to get out of the small room when the whole world has gone crazy in your eyes... I had many hallucinations you see.
I became familiar with the lorazepam needle... Just the thought of it makes me shudder. I'm sorry, I HAVE to get this off my chest. I cannot hold it in any longer.
What made me SO angry was when I was in the midst of some frenzy and was being held down at every limb (I had bruises to prove it afterwards), I had some stupid b***h of a doctor that was telling me that "everything is OK". WHAT THE HELL HOW IS EVERYTHING OK WHEN ALL YOU CAN SEE IS HORRIBLE IMAGES AND ALL YOU CAN HEAR IS SCREAMING???

I drew pictures when I was in there. And I made good friends with a girl there. Later on in my stay (after I got moved to some secure ward, which was HELL and I NEVER want to hear the words "Huntercombe" or "Shamrock Unit" AGAIN) I was getting better...
I have SOME good memories from there (when I was back in the main psych hospital in London, not in the secure ward) - once this girl (who was bipolar and had borderline personality disorder, I think) and I were switching of ALL of the lights in the girl's corridor (which made it pitch black in the evening - tells you how safe the place was!) and then would place some obstacles in the corridor. We would then run at top speed down the corridor, and trip over the stuff and send ourselves flying into the wall (we were somewhat crazy and impulsive at that time), and eventually, with practise, we could reach the wall and throw ourselves at it. But when the doctor came in (big fat bloke with a scary character).. Oh dear, DID HE BLOW UP OR WHAT? We were banned from the corridors until bedtime!

When you were in hospital, was there a "sense of community"? There was one in my ward. All of the teenagers (except the new patients who came, who were usually rather ill) would gang up together and in school times we would always have a huge laugh.
I also remember chasing one of the boys up and down the corridors, with him yelling (in a funny way) at the top of his voice and me laughing my head off.
I DO have good memories from there, now that I THINK about it.
But there's still the restraint stuff. Did you see that sort of thing in your ward? What sort of ward were you in? I was in some general adolescent "short-stay" (although some people had been there for months/a year) ward, followed by an adult psych intenstive care unit (there were no NHS adolescent ones), followed by (with eventual NHS funding) a private adolescent PICU, and then back to the first one.

Meh. My life. It does suck at times. I'm quite better now. Haven't hallucinated since January and have had my medication halved since then.

Hi.....

The first time I was in psych......first few days were hell.I didnt do anything but cry and write poetry.I think I was still "hung-over" from the over dose and really mad at myself for failing the suicide.It was a "teen only" unlocked,semi-secure ward but I managed to "escape" one day and when I returned they put me in the "locked ward".I have no actual memory of it,except that I was really bored and couldnt wait to get released.I was never retrained and have always been pretty mellow,so I got off the ward in a few days.What you went through does sound traumatic.....both the halucinations and the staff reactions.Even thought they are supposed to be "professionals",they are as freaked out as anyone when it comes to "crazy behavior"....it is unpredictable,and having worked with MI teens myself(we never restrained),it can be frightening to watch a "melt-down" and be afraid the person will hurt themselves or someone else.Not that it is much consolation to you,but being legally responsible for someones safety is very stressful for them.(just a different perspective,since I have been on both sides)
There is also a lot of "morons and bullies" working in the field(just like every where else).This is where I met some other kids who I seemed to "fit" with,even though we had different issues.There was a sense of "us VS them".There seemed to be a sense of relief in letting yourself be "crazy" and we did have some fun and the environment from them was supportive.I didnt take the "treatment" seriously though.I was just killing time until I could get out.I just learned to say what they wanted to hear to get out.

The second time ,I had jumped of a building and was doped to the gills for a long time.I dont remember alot of the begining.I think I turned 18 while I was unconscious(happy birthday to meeeeee),
and I was on an adult locked ward with some very "nutty" folks....old guy who s**t in the hallways,guy who thought he was Jesus....spacey but harmless....my roommate was a psychotic lady that reminded me of "Baby Jane"....a movie of a "childstar" who gets old but never stops thinking of herself as a cute little 5 year old.....creepy.I was happy to get of that ward.I did get put on an anti-depressant,which helped but ended up with a psychiatrist who was a Freudian nut job(who later lost his license for having sex with a client).....Over all experience was so negative,that I didnt want to repeat it and made a lot of effort to keep myself out of psych wards.I was in a "day treatment program" for about 6 months,but I only had to go in days and lived in my aprt.at night.Met some nice folks there.I later checked myself in to a CD treatment(at 26)and got the most actual help there.It was a six month program and although I hated all the restrictions,I did get some good advice and counseling there and a lot of support from other clients.



I am glad you are getting counseling and that the halucinations have abated.Sometimes the worse fear is that I could be "out of contol" of my own mind"life again.I hate to turn it over to strangers.Keep plugging away with your issues and try not to let things build up....that seems to be when I "snap",when I get over stressed.I have simplified my life as much as possible to avoid stressers.And keep talking about it....it does help to get it "out of your head".

Hey Krex. I am sorry that I did not reply earlier; I was on a Medicine Workshop in Nottingham University.

To help things, my Mum (who is having a very, very hard time at the moment), took an overdose while I was in Nottingham. She overdosed on my olanzapine (thank God she did not drink alcohol with it) and was taken by ambulance to A&E straight away (while I was a couple of 100s of miles away) to hospital. I called the High Dependency Unit (she was moved there, as she was unconscious) literally every two hours throughout the day and night. I got barely any sleep. I don't know how I acted relatively OK during the workshop. She was unconscious for a day and a half, but when she woke up, oh my God... She was hallucinating, she was trying to run away, she was delirious, she couldn't speak... I heard her on the phone once and she was babbling, well, sh*t. She couldn't get her words out right; she was like a drunk, but ten times worse. She was trying to say things, she was trying to communicate, but she could not get her words out right. I felt sick when I heard her on the phone, because she was so ill and I felt awful, as if it was my fault (it was my Dad's fault in fact). I came back home by train the day before yesterday, and yesterday I spent the whole day in the ward with her, but luckily she was discharged that evening. Now she is at home, and she was referred to the psychological services, but she's still doing badly.

I'll confess one thing, I haven't taken my meds since the beginning of this month. I have more energy now, I can see (as in no grey cloud over my vision), I can feel feelings! I can cry! I was numb on that medication, not to mentioned exhausted due to tiredness.

Possibly the worst memory of the ward is the time when I had 5 or 6 nurses on me and a needle pricking my thigh (apparently I was tensing my arm up too much for them to inject it into that muscle). I think I took a total (over 2 months) of 60mg of diazepam and 20mg of lorazepam, the main two things they used on me.

Do you think I will be able to access my medical records? I want to see what sh*t the doctors wrote in there. All I can remember is something about "distress" and two particularly harrowing words "emergency" and "sedation". Yay.

One good thing is that the doctors helped me out of the mess that I was in.

Sounds like classic PTSD!!

Im suffering it right now for a lot of issues including child sexual abuse, sustained bullying including kidnapping and torture and combat experiences.

LUckily i only spent just under 3 weeks in a pshychiatric Hospital for self harm. The hospital was the Priory private hospitals paid for by my employer.

The hospital was structurally fine but very very low security. The care by staff was pleasant yet inattentive and not regular enough supervision for my needs.

I was ill enough to not want to stop self harming regardless of gint to hospital. I was able to smuggle in scalpel blades way too easily on admission and able to self harm daily without getting caught or stopped.

Considering i was in for self harm, they never even checked my arms for new cuts and never even asked if i was still cutting!! !! ! Not good when I'd been hiding the self harm for months so logic would dictate i would try to hide it in hospital!! Were they blind??

Also considering i was there for self harm i was given no therapy for self harm or alternative coping skills. Would have ben better off at a holiday camp.

I was even cutting the morning i was discharged!! !! !

Oh and the one bad experience i had was being bullied by another patient for several days in front of staff who did nothing. The bully was under constant supervision by nurses yet they let him sit there and verbally abuse me for 20 minutes before he turned physical. The staff would let him hit me with a tennis racket and only intervened when i grabbed it off him and raised it in air to retaliate, which was in my opinion totallty justified to give him a beating. But no, i got restrained and he got to do what he wanted. This happened for several days until the bully got moved to a secure hospital. All with a nurse within 6ft who did nothing.

I still have nightmares and flashbacks to that bullying on top of all my others.

And the important thing. Did hospital help??

NO im still self harming and am actually worse now and are even more skilled at hiding my self harm. And to be frank, self harm is the least of my worries, suicide attempts are far more important an issue.

Firstly, I am very, very sorry to hear that you are going through such an awful time. I used to cut and suicide-attempt, so if you need any help, support, or even advice on how to cut safely if you think you just cannot stop, then e-mail me ( [email protected] ).

I know someone who went to the Priory, but I don't know if it helped her. Have you heard of Springfield? It's in Tooting; and its an NHS hospital.

I once put my hands on a doctor's shoulders and pushed her away because she was being extremely, extremely annoying. Next thing I know I've got a couple of nurses yanking me away. The locum doctor then told me that the police would be contacted if I continued and I wasn't allowed to see that woman doctor again? WTF???

I cannot remember how restraints were started for me. I just remember them happening. I think I was trying to hurt myself? The doctors generally resorted to the magic injection after around 2-3 hours of ineffective restraint coupled with the oral diazepam stuff (it was pink. ha). I think I hit the record for 6 1/2 hours. No wonder the hospital were pretty shocked when I left the place only after 4 months.

Did the hospital help? It did. In the end, it did. I was deteriorating badly, and in the state that I was I needed hospital treatment. Hallucinations, loss of contact with reality, loss of ability to talk sense, and some other stuff too.

Although a friend of mine at the hospital snatched some scissors from the classroom and cut herself in the toilet. However her skin is so tough and the scissors quite blunt, so it was difficult for her. She was soon searched after they counted the scissors.

I couldn't self-harm; I spent four weeks in a secure ward anyway (oh, the joy of seeing someone urinate only a couple of metres away from my bedroom door and the 30 year old sociopath who tried to make out with me (I was 16), then stole all my electricals and CDs - I got them back though; where could he go?). I was nursed on 2 to 1. At least the nurses were mostly good (the HCAs were not so good, but I'm generalising).

Self-harm is not that hard in Springfield, in the regular adolescent ward. Yeah, I think that there's still a bloodstain in one of the rooms... Yeah, that's from me. I left my mark. I bet you that they haven't cleaned it yet - the maintenance there was terrible!

Food was sh*t too. Solid porridge. Yay.

Sometimes I will be going about my business, and suddenly be frozen by the memory of something that happened to me a long time ago.

Steelmaiden.....Sorry to hear about your mother.Was her "drunk behavior" in hospital,do to psychotic break,the over dose or the meds they were giving her in the hospital?Are these on ging issues for her....suicide attempts?How is she doing now?

I met my bio sister(I am adopted)in 2000.She came to live with me in MN for a year and got carpel tunnel at her job,was dicked around by the company about it and ended up overdosing but survived.She was put on ten different medications(anti-depressants,anti-psychotics though she had never been psychotic,anti-seizure meds though she had never had seizures and pain killers)She was totally out of it when I visited,could barely talk or walk.Then they got her to start shock treatment with out contacting me.She had several "treatments" before I found out about it and the DR would not meet with me to discuss it.She was in no frame of mind to make this decission but they refused to see me!! !
All of this took plae in a three weel period....there wasnt time to see if a medication was working before they started a new med and the shock....it was really a nightmare to see her this way and be powerless to help her.

She moved back to MO shortly after,to be near our mother after our father died(she was raised by them but I was not).She has attempted suicide twice since then and is finnally on a med that seems to be helping(after 5 years of trying).The point I want to make is.....Even though I have attempted suicide in my past.....I was really pissed at her.I know she thought she was doing me a "favor" because she was disabled by the carpel tunnel and depression and unable to work and thought I was better off without her.I understand this perspective but it doesnt help my anger at being "deserted" by her.I felt like my suicide attempte were victemless crime because there was literally no one in my life who loved me.I loved her and didnt think she had the "right" to abandon me.It doesnt matter if this defies logic....it was my feelings.How are you coping with your mothers suicide?Do you have someone to alk about it with?I just dont want you to bury the feelings because I know that anger can often come out in self harm and depression.Let yourself feel angry if you can.



Warren.....I was a cutter also.I always carried my razor-blades in case of "emergency" and was good at hiding it.At the time I began,in 1980,I didnt realize anyone else did this.There are books now,written by other self-harmers that might help you,if you want to stop.As detructive as the behavior is,I still think it can help let off some steam and prevent actual suicide.I still think about suicide when I am really stressed and thinking about the future to much.But my life is no longer revolving around my death.I have found some ways to cope.

I'm a little haunted by my stays at a Psych Ward. There were lots of 'Code Grays' and restraints given to people.

Is this a very traumatic memory?

Code Gray?

All I heard of was "IM lorazepam", "diazepam/Drug of Death", PRN, TTOs, "young people" (the nurses were not allowed to call us teenagers/kids!) and "seclusion room". Oh yeah, and the observation levels:
Level G: allowed to leave ward, not really observed that much.
Level 3: 15-minute observation as to where you are on the ward (which was not very big).
Level 2: 1-1 nursing - basically a nurse follows you around all day and night.
Level 1: nurse must be within 6ft of you/2 to 1 nursing. Yeah... I touched that for a few weeks.

The "drunk behaviour" was purely due to the overdose and her hypersenstivity to the medication. She has never attempted suicide before, and she is doing much better now, but she's still quite depressed quite often. Today has been not too bad.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOUR SISTER WAS PUT ON SO MANY MEDS. It's scandalous. I once took (in one day) olanzapine 10mg, lorazepam 2mg x2, diazepam 2mg, haloperidol ?mg and procyclodine ?mg. Oh yeah, and the clonazepam 1mg. The shock treatment as well? That is very, very wrong. I would go to the courts straightaway. I had the chance to appeal against my Section 2, but apparently it would take 2+ weeks for it to go through, and as the section was 28 days, what was the point? When beginning on olanzapine (10mg), I couldn't walk without the wall's aid! I stopped taking it (without doctor's advice) at the beginning of this month, but I feel fine, in fact, I feel more alive! She will probably find out one day, but I don't care.

I am very sorry that your sister deserted you like that; it is wrong indeed.

My Mum's depression... Yes, she has a very short temper and she often walks off in a huff in the middle of my sentence for no apparent reason. She is also very sensitive, everything I say seems to be wrong!? I'm dealing quite well with it though. I try not to let it get to me, but if it does, I have my Dr. to talk to. I also have some telephone numbers to helplines, and if things get seriously bad, I have the hospital ward's number on my mobile.

I often take out my feelings on death metal/industrial music like the Genitorturers. It makes me feel energised. I also do kickboxing in my bedroom (but I have to punch/kick the air as I'm not allowed a punch bag!) to relieve tension.

Things are going well, except that my "success" stone necklace broke, and I'm very afraid of the imagery that resulted from that.

Code Gray was when someone was becoming out of control, and they needed assistance. If it was really bad, they would get tranquilized, and strapped down. A girl there became friends with me, and when she got strapped down, she was able to get out of the hand-cuffs twice!
There was Code Red, which meant the fire alarm was pulled, but it was a joke.

I was on 15 minute observation for first 48 hours, then 30 minutes afterwards.

My mind is totally confused over self harm. And i know my logic is flawed. I justify my self harm because it helps me cope, and nothing else at the moment helps.

At the moment i WANT to cut (not right now just this general period of my life).

Yet I can see it cant go on forever so one day i want to stop.

Also there is the addiction to get over.

I am surprised a mental hospital didnt watch me closer especially when I was in there because i got caught self harming and I had blatently been trying to hide it. Surely it must be quite common for patients to continue to try and self harm and try to hide it because they dont want to stop, shame etc etc.

You had straps? There was no such thing in my ward, just some bloody strong nurses (I had bruises) and a matress thing which was basically there to stop you smashing your skull into smithereens. In the secure ward, there was a room with a bolt lock on it and a couple of nurses would be there while you calmed down. I am a strong person (I do press-ups, kickboxing etc)... Once they started with 2 nurses and ended up with The Team!

OH YEAH.... "The Team"... a group of strong-men who would be called in if someone couldn't be controlled by the nurses and didn't respond to the IM stuff. I have heard of people being still unstoppable by "The Team", and I think they were anaesthetised, but that's only when you've got a weightlifter on PCP (Angel Dust). Heh.

Getting out of the handcuffs? That's quite a feat! Code Red, heh, we had the fire alarm pulled many times, due to the fact that (stupid really) a back door opened whenever the fire alarm was pulled. That was in the normal ward though.

Secure ward... nasty... Had a swipe card system, and the front two doors were double-locked. We had a courtyard though, but it was fenced quite high with, you guessed it, barbed wire (prisoners are we?!). Although, and I don't think that this should have been allowed, I had a male nurse watching over me at night? I swear I once saw him cross his legs...!