I need closure

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I was taken advantage of by two men; one far older than me and one about my age. Neither one knew of the other's existence until I came into their lives when they both assaulted me within a two month period. That was a few years ago and despite the fact that they have both been punished for what they did to me, I have yet to experience any feeling of closure, like I have moved on. If it were up to me, their punishments would have been far more harsh, but of course, that is up to the legal system, not me. People have suggested writing a letter to each of my abusers. Do any of you have suggestions as to how I can move on from this?

there may be a rape support group in your area.

Oh, Pip, I am sorry for what happened to you. The letters might help, but it is up to you. There is no direct path to closure, unfortunately. Maybe settling with that idea is a good first step to closure, though. There are options that can help, again up to you, such as therapy - and as these issues can come up years later when you thought they were long gone, therapy or peer support - that sort of thing gives you some tools to getting through those periods.

This won't sound like much, but I actually made a little ceremony - which I have repeated at times. It was private, I kept the meaning to myself, but I lit a candle and some incense and just set my intention (my thoughts) towards closure and reclaiming my life - starting my life over from that point, symbolically. Symbolism can be very powerful.

Oh, the Courage to Heal book and workbook might be helpful - you can "look inside" at the contents here (and don;t worry too much about the "child" part - this book has been used for years :

http://www.amazon.com/The-Courage-Heal- ... gy_b_img_y

Best to you, Sincerely, LM

Please do not contact either of these guys. They cannot affect closure for you and contacting them is pulling them back into your life; if not explicitly, then at the very least psychologically for you.

LogicalMom's approach keeps the activity where it can yield relief; within yourself.

I have been there, also, and know from first hand experience that one can heal from this. But understand that the healing never comes through those who have abused you; do not knock on that door.

All my best to you; I wish you grace.

I am currently seeking therapy, but it doesn't feel like enough. I have always been temperamental but I have raging episodes during which I'd like nothing more than to beat someone mercilessly. I am considering taking lessons in some type of fighting style (karate, jujitsu etc.) to help with this. It will also allow me to feel better able to protect myself, which I believe will help me a lot.

Hi, Pip,

I took women's self-defense and since it is on your mind, I encourage you to do so. I think any bit of self-empowerment is a good thing. These are fantastic skills overall, and one of the things I learned in the class is some body language that will help give messages to would-be attackers. It will help you "kick" out some anger ... and maybe you would enjoy a full-out martial arts class. You learn to center yourself - it is as much about "mind" as about the "physical" - they are entirely interrelated. You might get more out of that experience than anything.


Just a caveat to add about therapy ... "tools" are a good thing and you have them to practice and remember when you need them, but beware of therapies that "re-traumatize." Trust your gut. For me, groups are not a good thing generally - a group where I feel overloaded by other people's emotions - worse, and worse still I go into "problem-solving" mode and want to act like a facilitator. So, just choose your support to suit you. I did have one particularly good therapist who was a "guide", it did not focus on nor bring me back to the trauma - and I like the concept in Mountain Laurel's reply: "keeps the activity where it can yield relief: within yourself."

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=htt ... m=1&itbs=1

Sorry, a book recommendation is the best advice I can offer for this. I'm listening to the audiobook while I drive.

I hope it helps!

You have some PTSD i think.

In my experience you explore it until you can reframe some beliefs and let go of the anger.

The law had its process and anything outside of it wont actually help.

I hope you react a point where you can let go of the anger and move on some insights and lessons.

Sweet Pea hugs

First thing: don't write letters to them. That is overwhelmingly awful idea. Even if they can't physically harm you any more, do you really want to give these criminals the satisfaction and the pleasure of reading about how their violation and their defilement of you has affected your life? You'd just be giving your rapists a wonderful (very) late Christmas present.

Second thing: have you had counselling and therapy? Serious, proper, lengthy therapy? That might help. Have you tried talking on 'survivors' boards about what has happened to you? You may be able to get closure for what happened to you there and you may be able to help others.

As has already been suggested - perhaps read some audiobooks on the subject or attend meetings for something like that.